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April 12, 2022

All Up In: Dropping the Ball, Releasing Perfectionism & Channeling Billy Porter

All Up In: Dropping the Ball, Releasing Perfectionism & Channeling Billy Porter

Ready to get deep—and a little dark—with Mary Nisi? In this episode, she unravels how missing last week’s podcast episode unleashed the voice of her inner critic and led to a catastrophizing spiral that might have just been hormonal. She also gets to the root of how perfectionism & black-and-white thinking became so pervasive in her life. Spoiler—it involves family history and a pandemic you might be familiar with.

If you’ve ever been hard on yourself for dropping the ball or missing a deadline, you’ll probably relate to this episode. And if not—tune in anyway for a whole-ass moment about Billy Porter, Holly Whitaker’s hair helmet, and Jane (or is it Joan?) Cusack.

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Music. Welcome to all up in my lady business I am your host Mary nisi on this podcast all explore the fine line between having it together I'm losing your shit here I share my journey as an entrepreneur a mom a wife a DJ and randomly a beekeeper I have no shame and no filter except the ones I use on Instagram my stories of resilience a little structure and a lot of resource Wellness can show you how to take those same things and live your life with your hole. Music. Alright welcome again to all up in your lady business with me Mary nisi you guys might have noticed that last week I didn't put out an episode and that wasn't a planned thing. Was I think that kind of happened. And it was a thing where I had intended to and I really wanted to and I really stressed if I was like I was vacillating between being really stressed about getting it ready and being so tired and blown out that I like couldn't get it together and it was like the inertia was meeting entropy and then everything enter peed I don't know if that's a thing that works in physics but we're going to talk about it like it did in today's episode we're going to be talking about perfectionism and what it means to not do something that you say you're going to do we're going to talk about Billy Porter, and how we're basically the same person and following celebrities on the instruments the instruments the internet enjoy. Music. I usually record the podcast a week before it comes out and the week before it was going to come out I did dun dun dun the keynote the keynote that I had spoken of. Back in my episode about you know taking opportunities when they come with the opportunity came. And spoiler alert oscillated it was it I worked so hard on that talk and I had. A whole team of people kind of helping me with it and I practiced it and practice it actually what's crazy is the weekend before this is what happens like when business and life and

all of that kind of crashes together so the keynote was on Monday the 28th of March and the weekend before was nuts so one of my DJ's text me at 4:

00 on. The Friday on that Friday I was about to go in and record the episode about Sebastian and she was like oh I have covid I can't work tomorrow and I'm like fuck okay I can't think about this right now and then we recorded the episode and then I came out and Christina's leg all right so what are we gonna do about that wedding and I want yeah for one sweet our I forgot about it and Nara the real brains behind this operation she was on a much-needed vacation at that point and so to Christina and I had to solve it alone and we're looking at the calendar and I don't understand the calendar like I used to because Nora does everything and Christina goes texting everybody and we discover that one of the one of my DJs is potentially available Chris he's really new like that that might have been his first. Or second real event that he's done for us. And he was amazing he like he's like let me see if I can switch some stuff for a tomorrow is like you have no problem I can do it I'm like oh my God are you kidding me. Because I thought I was going to have to take it and so Chris steps in.

And he goes off to do the gig and I'm spending all day Saturday working on my talk and he texts me at like calls me like 5:

00 and he's like, nothing is working so I'd like troubleshoot with him for like two hours to try to figure out what was going on I finally started driving out to his gig that was like way out in the suburbs and, as I was halfway there I was like wait a minute I think if he does this so I call him and he like switch some chords around all this and everything started working and I was like so but it's just it's like. Even when you own the company even when you've got all these people at home to like take the stuff off your back you not everything's going to always work when you want it to and I was like it was this thing where it kind of sent me into a weird Funk where I'm like. This can't be the rest of my summer I can't spend every weekend wondering if I'm going to have to work because a DJ is going to come down with covid it's like covid won't end and you know for the rest of the world we're all moving on and it's becoming endemic it's not as deadly etcetera which is great for the world but for us it's like if a DJ test positive they can't go to work, and it's not like going to work with a cold you know it's not like you load up on NyQuil or de Quillon. Hope for the best and so where I'm in a very real situation where every week and if a DJ comes down with covid working to be scrambling at the last minute and that's not how I operate like we almost always have a backup and so now we have to like. Rethink everything and it is a mess and so it's like this is the this is like adding to this like pile of anxiety that is like always kind of resting on the back of my head but anyway moving along we got to that weekend Chris to the wedding he nailed it and then I spent all day Sunday practicing like crazy I practice it a million times when I practiced it it was 45 minutes long which is how long it was supposed to be and then I got to the event on Monday and he introduced me and I did it and it was I could hear it seems weird it's over Zoom so like you're not really getting the right you can't really read the room you can't see their faces it's like, because they were all in a room and I'm being beamed in from the internet and I could hear people laughing at times which was great and when it was over I heard somebody say that was awesome, and at the end of it I had to pitch to give away like 50 like a 15-minute mini coaching session for business stuff to see if you any business ideas that you could I could help you with I can be your consultant and. When it was over almost immediately someone had taken me up on it and I met with them and I think they want to be, move ahead with coaching so I want up getting a coaching client out of it which was great and the organizer said that he got really great feedback the next day so I think it's it was great and I'm really excited that it happened and. You know like I said I went I went into it thinking I was going to nail it and I nailed it and I'm really excited about it I really want more opportunities to speak. In the future so you know anybody out there who needs a dynamic lady business owner to come in and judge up your. Situation with Bon mots and business savvy. I got you so that was what was happening the week before I was supposed to do. The episode that didn't drop and so anyway there was a lot going on the week of the keynote and there was a lot going on this week that was no more than normal like it was it didn't seem like more than usual but I just hit a wall and I couldn't get it together and I emailed Amelia my producer editor and she was like I don't have enough so for this week and she's like we'll just take a week off then, and I'm like I don't know if that means we didn't schedule the week off like you know my dozens of listeners are going to wonder where I went I don't ever not deliver I do not provide if I say I'm going to do something I do it and even though this is my podcast, I make the rules and I'm the only one that's really affected by this you know I always get things done and I always finish them on time and it felt weird to just like drop the ball for lack of a better term and when she was like well just take a week off and we'll just like you know put it out your socials that you're not going to put an episode out this week. And it wasn't I mean as much as I've got loyalty to you guys I want to make sure that you're given the premium content that I'm providing of course. It had less Steven do with you and more to do with the fact that I didn't like having this like is like I can't end sentences with prepositions like it felt like this dangling preposition that was like. Taking out there but on the other side of it it felt kind of like. Kind of like scary and exhilarating and almost surprisingly awesome to just not have an episode that I would not drop on Tuesday and. It's you know it's like it's like this perfectionism like I wouldn't say I've got real perfectionism because I'm not that polished of a person but like it's a it's an accountability thing it's like and it's almost it's kind of like you know when you hear gun lobbyists or whatever and they'll be like. Well if we pass one common sense gun law the next are going to be coming and just taking them all away as if like you pass one rule and then it's just a slippery slope to like complete you know, pandemonium or you know lock out of guns which this liberal over here I'd be cool if it was if guns were gone forever but that's, it's just me anyway but it's almost like if I allow myself to not perform on one thing if I have that permission on all of a sudden just going to like bail on at all it's just very like black or white binary thinking that I've been in therapy for literally 20 years trying to unravel. And it's hard for me to just get out of it. Black and white thinking is not cool and it's taking a long time to find the gray areas and I just can't seem to find a gray area on this. And you know as a part of part of my entrepreneurial journey is that I operate as if I have a boss and honestly I do have a boss my clients and my DJs those are my bosses like you know when people. When you tell people you're a business owner or an entrepreneur you work for yourself there's one of the first things people say is I going to be nice and I have a boss and it's like, well yeah I mean in some ways I wish I had a boss sometimes because sometimes I just want someone to tell me what to do. I want someone to just be able to say like this is the right choice or this is the answer or like we made a decision and this is what it is and you have no say over how it's going to go with like sometimes I wish I had a boss. But when you are an entrepreneur and you're the kind of owner business owner and you are the kind of person has employees and clients which you probably have. At least one of the two in order to. You don't have a business unless you work for yourself and if you do take the leap to have other people working for you they're your bosses like. My teachers really wouldn't think about it that way but like you know as much as they work for me I work for them too I have to do things to keep them here I have to provide them with certain structures and elements and benefits you like payroll like not that I should really Pat myself on the back over this but like I've never missed a payroll in my life like everybody always gets paid on time it's like one of my rules and I know that not every, business owner follows that because I hear from them I hear from other people that say like yeah I didn't have enough money to run payroll so I didn't or I was late or I was on vacation and forgot I mean but I've never done that, you know running payroll or you know of a DJ needs to pick up a piece of equipment that it's here and it's clean and it's ready to go like the clients like you have to be like if you're not on top of your client you're not going to have any clients you're going to be known for having like shitty customer service and no one hires you so as much as I don't have a Bas I have many bosses I have many people that are looking to me for answers and money or structure or you know if we DJ's a client that's complaining I'm the one who has to pick up that that in you know sort this situation out if the clan has a contract that they've got questions on that something that we have to deal with so I have accountability and I have things I've had to do so I've got a lot of loyalty and I've got a lot of pride in the fact that, I try to not keep people waiting for things I mean like I'm never late like I try to not be up and I never want people waiting for me I don't want to give people a reason. Two. Discount me or think I'm flaky and I think part of that is like a woman thing like I think about showing up for. Everybody but then also the Perfection side of it it's like like for instance like let's say I'm putting my gear together at a gig. And you know it's like I'm the DJ I put my speakers on my poles a million times sometimes when I'm like you know the speakers are heavy their 50 pounds or like between 45 and 50 pounds and I have to pick them up and put them on a pole I'm a short person but. I'm the DJ so you would assume that I have done this a million times and it like it really irks me when I like go to pick up a speaker and I pick it up from a wrong angle and it kind of goes funny and then it's crazy how like out of the blue three dudes will appear but you'd help with that and it's like. I know that it's coming from a good place I know that it's coming from a place of like. You know like oh there's a lady who's having a problem but if I doubt that if I was a man they would have tried to come over and help me put the speaker on the pole and I get. Offended as the right word but I get jerked by it where I'm like I just picked it up kind of weird dudes like can't I not do something perfectly so like I get trained to try to be perfect at all times because, if I don't do things perfectly immediately someone's right there to call it out and tell me that I'm doing it wrong or whatever so it's like sometimes it feels helpful and sometimes it feels like well you should have been attempting this because you're a woman and so you know we're going to give you a gold star for trying but I'm still going to come here to bail you out or save you. I mean that's the thing it's like nothing I do is thoughtless it's all with there's always a strategy behind it or there's a reason why I'm doing it the way that I'm doing it I just sort of felt like if I am late you know if I don't do it that someone will think I don't know it just gives it gives people fodder to like, take me down and the thing is that the end of the day no one fucking cares like no one cares like if there's anything I've learned, in my age is that literally no one's thinking about you the way they think that you think they're thinking about you. Because I'm not thinking about anybody the way that I think I thought everyone was thinking about me when I was younger I think everyone is just trying to do the best I can at all times especially now. Music. When you look at like the habits of like extreme like Highly Successful People it's always people that like they're disciplined I mean I am I run a very tight schedule on myself like I have you know my days are very regimented I know when I'm doing this I am a very regimented person and it is hard for me to say no to things and I always follow through I have a ton of ideas which makes for a gigantic lack of time in my life for myself and you know it's like I think also part of my reasoning behind having. A very tight schedule and never being late like like my therapist like when we were in person if I was like 10 minutes late she'd be texting maybe like or if I was even like 2 minutes late she'd be like where are you because I'm never late and I think part of the reason why why I'm never late to things and why I was trying to like make sure people know when I'm going to be there is that like so this is like a, a tragically traumatic story but my dad. My dad died when I was 12 my dad died Technically when I was 18. But they found his body on my 19th birthday and he had been dead for two weeks before. They found his body and I had got into a fight with him like six months before he died and I told him I hated him and never wanted to see him again and then I didn't that's a cool fun thing but. Anyway my dad being dead for 2 weeks before they found his body was it just seems like really like sad I mean it is sad it's a sad and tragic but I never want to live my life in such a way. That I could disappear for two weeks and no one would think to go look for me and I think that's part of the reason why. Always want to be accountable I was want someone to be expecting me maybe that's why I fill my life with so many activities and things to do is because I want to make sure that there's always someone out there that has tabs on me and I've you know I've got a husband and a kid I mean the likelihood of me disappearing for two weeks is low without anybody noticing but. The likelihood of me having an appointment and walking through a dark deserted garage and getting abducted and. You know that's that's likely I mean it means that likely but it's not unheard of. And so you know it's like when I really start thinking through these things like when I really starting to get to the depths of why I do, pack my life with so many activities and why I don't say no and I'm always doing something and I always have so much on my plate like am I just trying to like not be invisible to people so that someone will always be thinking about me or looking for me I don't know this is got real deep and real dark, real fast and I can take a little bit darker to I I've been like like one of the things I've been thinking about lately well I've been thinking I just been feeling it's like I have been feeling like it's a lot of good things in my life like. I have everything I've ever wanted I have an awesome business. Wonderful employees I have enough money to live on I've got a hot husband who's awesome like my husband like I don't even. I didn't know men like him existed in the world and he's like the best and I have this adorable amazing child wonderful friends. I have a great house I keep my bees keep me happy. And I was like why am I low-key miserable all the time like his even though I've got all these things like this podcast happened and people seem to like it and. You know I did the speaking and all these good things are happening and I'm just like, Loki miserable so I've been kind of like the past week I've been sort of projecting this on everyone around me and I've been like so are you kind of miserable, just like taking the temperature of the room like are you in and I would say that like 80% of people have been asking it to that like yeah absolutely 100% And it's like I'm part of it is like covid just can't seem to end, this war in Russia is. Fuck the fucked up like I am really I think about it constantly I'm like constantly like giving money to various organizations and trying to just. Make some sense of it I don't understand how. A sovereign country can I can invade another sovereign country and like we can't really do anything about it and then also when you think about other Sovereign countries that other Sovereign countries have. Syria's War where there just seemed to be like is that still happening like what's going on in Yemen you know like. I mean all of the things the fact that Afghanistan is now being run by the Taliban and like, it's like there's so much shit going on with like brown countries all the fucking time we do nothing about it really and then you know. A western country music other Western Country and we're all losing our minds about it but, unfortunately those are the things that can lead to World War when white people's are being affected by it then all of a sudden it becomes a different thing altogether and you know it's like wouldn't be hard for like Russia to bomb the fuck out of us I got a lot on my mind in that respect and so yeah. There's a lot going on in the world but then. I've talked to other people but with their like no I mean I feel like no covid turning a corner and I'm feeling pretty much better and I'm like wait a minute okay so. We're not all we don't all feel shitty all the time because I feel kind of shitty all the time so my sister comes in town yesterday my sister Jennifer who I'm I'm really tight with her daughter lives here and she came in town kind of like last minute to visit her and and last night we took about a thousand Edibles sorry Jen outing you as a weed person and we like stayed up really late like having this like. Kind of deep Stoney conversation and I'm just like telling her I mean I'm like I've kind of mentioned that I'm like having very awful perimenopausal symptoms and when I talk to Jen about it Jen's 9 years older than me and so I was asking her about it and she's like oh my didn't really start until I was 50 and I'm like fuck. I can't do this for 10 more years like I can't have these feelings for 10 more years but my other sister Nancy who like we're kind of physically almost identical she started at 46 so I'm kind of hoping I'm gonna be on the Nancy nisi track instead of the Jennifer Delmonico nisi to whatever but what Jen was telling me. And it made me feel so much better if she's like. When I was going through menopause I felt crazy all the time and I felt miserable and doom and gloom all the time and she's like an it ends a certain point like I'm not she's like you know you I've got the same feelings about the world that you do and I don't feel. As miserable about them and she's like I really feel like this is like your hormones fucking with you which I really hope that she's right because. I am I'm perpetually thinking at all times that. Like right now is a terrible time to be living through I wish I was reading about this time and I and I was talking with my friend Carrie about this where I'm like I just I need to live long enough to have. Perspective on this I need to live long enough we're like I look back on this time I'll be like huh. I'm in 2030 can you believe five years ago or wait what year are we in 2022 can you believe eight years ago like now we're all just in you know we decided to dash the capitalist system we're all just living on a commune, and that time was terrible and what's it's so nice to have covid eradicated what I need to live in a time when like. It feels good again but then I'm like okay. Has it ever felt good like has it ever felt good and I can't tell this dope podcast is getting real into sad times but all of this is to say. Is that I. Missed last week's episode and having to take a week off because things got a little bit heavy turned into me like. Catastrophizing out about the world and my hormones and thinking about my you know. Everything I've been talking about here my you know not showing up because I'm afraid if I don't do a podcast you guys going to not going to think about where I'm at and all of a sudden I'm dead, and nobody found me or whatever it says I've been able to spiral out to this place because I missed one episode of a podcast and so, I guess all of this is to say is that if you're in your 40s or above it might be your hormones and then also I think that everything is very dark right now but it can't stay dark forever but basically I gave me space, to think about. The nature of perfectionism and what it means to miss something and that it's not the end of the world and that just because I missed one episode doesn't mean I'm going to like just be like well I guess I'm not doing this anymore. I have been doing so much work to try to exist in the gray spaces and it's really easy to go back into the black and white so right now I think we always need the grace to kind of. Still figure our shit out especially not reading ourselves out of this and it does sort of seem like Corners are being turned really kind of give yourself Grace and try to figure out what you want to do next because it's the only life you got you might as well take the brakes where you can so for the whole ass segment today I want to really kind of breakdown. The slap at the Oscars because I think that a white woman's perspective is what everyone needs on this. I'm kidding that's what if I did that it's been like four weeks still talking about it but I will say I did watch the, the Oscars and like the Grammys and all of those things they are all like my my Super Bowl all wrapped into one and. I have a I have a technique when I'm when it arrives award season I'll share it with you guys because I know that you guys have all been looking for like time-saving and content creating measures for your viewing but what I do is I record the red carpet on E because they're The Trusted source of

red carpet knowledge and so I record it it starts at 5:


I start watching it at 5:

30 so I can fast-forward through like the dumb. Conversations and then I can just kind of get to the outfits and the hot takes and the other things I'm also recording the Oscars so I'm watching the red carpet on delay so that.

I watch the red carpet until like 7:

30 so then by the time I start watching the Oscars or the Grammys etcetera I can fast-forward through the commercials like it's a real good move it's a real it's a hot move. Laverne Cox was dude was running the red carpet and bless her soul she was bad she's not very good she's like but I what I love is that she did it for both the Oscars and the Grammys so I'm just glad that they're giving her an opportunity like they're not just yanking her, you know when she's because I mean Giuliana Rancic is one of the least authentic people in the history of all time I and she needs a tea sandwiches and so it's just hard to look at her butt Laverne Cox is amazing and she's and she's got her heart in it like you can tell that she's trying so hard to make it work and Billy Porter obviously knows who she is and respects her and so I think Billy Porter was giving her. More information that I think he would have given a Giuliana Rancic but she was talking about like how long he's been in Hollywood and how he's really popped in the last couple of years and he said you know like in the 90s, you know I would take you know where I'd be like bad guy number three rolls just to like get my face out there but like that's not me that's not Billy Porter like that's not who I am and then once I became my authentic self which is aware I have a hard time with authentic I need another word for authentic but he's like when I started being who I am like a big loud loving crazy queen that was when he really you know became you got all these rules we were making things for him and. That was kind of amazing to see and hear because it's true and there's so many other artists that are like that but it did make me think about like how. You know I've been wanting to do this podcast forever I keep talking about it but once I kind of figured out that this is what I wanted to do I'm having I mean I love doing it. The idea of this was going towards me saying like yeah I'm feeling like I'm living my authentic self to and like I'm kind of you know like figuring out who I am and like the speaking and the and the coaching in the in the podcast and as I was starting to say it I started to feel like this sounds so egotistical and ridiculous and like. It sounds of noxious weed like I'm authentic just like Billy Porter and I because I was my first I was like I'm not as authentic as Billy Porter and then like wait a minute why am I not as authentic as Billy Porter like I'm not Billy Porter like honestly Billy Porter Zealand who can be Billy Porter. I think I'd die if I met Billy Porter I don't know what I would do and here's a thing that must be so obnoxious for him. To just perpetuate people like because I can't be the only person that would lose their mind if they met Billy Porter but that I had to make myself small in that moment because I didn't know how to. Make myself feel like I could be as strong as Billy Porter but fuck it I am as strong as Billy Porter speaking of sort of but not really. Let's stop being so ridiculous one of my heroes in this world is this woman her name is Holly Whitaker and I follow her on Instagram you should look her up she's, incredible and she posted a picture on Instagram last a couple days ago where she's got one of those like helmets on that helps your hair grow and it was like just sitting here wearing this helmet hold my hair grows and I'm looking at it and I'm like I think that's the helmet that the lady in the first episode of the last season of queer I wore were there so there was a lady that was wearing wigs, in the first episode it was the first episode they shot for this last season the queer eye and was shot in March of 2020 so it was like right at the beginning of the pandemic and it was the only episode they shot for like a year until they were able to go back and she had. Something with her hair where she felt like it was too thin and patchy so she wore wigs all the time like when jvn did her hair he like washed and styled a wig I mean that's how like committed to this wig life she was and so at the when they were going to leave at the end of where the initially stopped filming he was like this is this weird helmet you put it on its got like. Gels or whatever and then also plugs in and does something to your brain or whatever. Your hair hopefully just your hair not your brain and then because of the pandemic they came back they stopped filming and then they came back a year later and then. In the time during the pandemic while they were gone they came back and filmed like a how things are going because it was a year since they'd been there and she had used the helmet. And her hair came back amazingly. And not meant as a total spoiler sorry for anybody who was waiting for this episode but anyway so she wore the helmet it worked it was a beautiful I cried it was a beautiful woman. Anyway so on Hollywood occurs post I posted like oh is that the helmet like the one on queer eye and she replies to me which is very exciting and and was like no but I didn't I didn't know but I'm gonna go back and watch and then this woman whose name is Jay Cusack comments on my posts and I'm like. Joan Cusack just comment and I went to go look at her profile and it was locked down and I'm like did Joan Cusack's private account did she just did you just comments we had like a back and forth and I'm thinking to myself I am becoming best friends with Joan Cusack and I saw that and then I'm like well fuck it I'm sorry friended her just to see if and then she friends me back and I'm like oh my God I am friends with Joan Cusack and then I go under a profile and her name is Jane Cusack and she's in Youngstown Ohio and I'm like. Mary but jokes on me because Jane Cusack has great content she's very nice and she comments and likes things all the time so. You guys should all hope to check someone following you as good as Jane Cusack. Thanks for listening to all up in my lady business it is written by me Mary nisi. It is produced by Kristina sorum Williams and Amelia Ruby with softer sounds it is recorded at the toast and jam offices in Logan Square in Chicago you can find resources and links from this episode in the show notes at all up in my lady, if you enjoyed this episode and you did Smash that subscribe button and if you're the kind of person that reviews things on the internet please rate and review us wherever you listen to us it really does help. Follow us on all of your socials and don't forget whatever you do this week do it with your whole ass thanks for listening. Music.