All Up In: Moving, Making Friends & My New Belly Button

Music. Welcome to all up in my lady business I am your host Mary nisi on this podcast all explore the fine line between having it together I'm losing your shit here I share my journey as an entrepreneur a mom a wife a DJ and randomly a beekeeper I have no shame and no filter except the ones I use on Instagram my stories of resilience a little structure and a lot of resource Wellness can show you how to take those same things and live your life with your hole. Music. All right folks welcome back to all of in my lady business it has been a while since I last wrapped at you how you doing what's going on I'm actually recording this one at my house we repainted the office and so things are kind of, little screwy up there so I'm I'm recording this at home which feels weird to be doing this here and I hope it sounds okay on today's episode I'm going to give you a little recap of what I did on summer vacation and the the final button on my umbilical surgery and hopefully it's going to be a fun sexy time. So what has happened since June I moved and you know it's so funny everybody is like moving terrible moving steerable and I'm like. Whatever like how hard can moving beat I'm here to tell you that it's terrible the entire process of finding houses I mean we went over at last last time I don't need to necessarily go into into any kind of granular detail on what it was like to buy the new home but you know it's like I started the packing process so early like I thought I was like so ahead of that I started a month early and I did get a lot done and I was trying to get ahead of it and I got all these boxes and I joined this box groups on Facebook and got a bunch of second-hand boxes I didn't feel like I was completely ruining the environment with my move and it's like everyone was saying that moving is terrible and I felt like I always kind of feel like I'm sort of exception to the things that other thing everybody has finds a hard time with but I'm not like I used to move all the time like before when I moved to Chicago I moved here when I was 19. And I lived in the dorms at DePaul and then I moved out before the end of the year into an apartment with these two girls and I lived in Lakeview I lived there for like four months, and then I moved to an apartment for a couple more months at Belmont and Sheffield. And then I started the school year I had moved in to this apartment on Greenview and Belden in Lincoln Park. So that was three moves inside of a year and then I moved from there to my apartment in Wicker Park,

30 North Winchester many of you may have gone to parties there lots of parts I lived there for 10 years and I moved my condo I lived there for, 2005 to 2010 so five years I lived there 64 years live there then I was in my house for 12 years and, it's like I've moved before and it wasn't that bad it was always relatively easy but those last times I moved it wasn't like after I lived in a house for 12 years in the same house and another person another adult, and then also the child I mean. It brings up so much shit when you move I kept finding things that I thought I lost like weird hobbies are abandoned like I found a lot of like sewing needle point and embroidery things that I would do for like. A second my mother-in-law got me these as paint by sticker books that I loved and there was a period of time where I was doing them like crazy and then somehow like the book got closed and then shoved underneath. And you know I found those it also would also was weird was like all the stuff that I wanted to do to the house I never did. It's like all this potential energy that just didn't get anything done with it like what happens to energy when you don't use it. There's old cards from friends you don't talk to anymore and close you don't fit in either on the plus side or the minus side close you haven't seen in a long time. But you remember what you were doing when you wore them and you just can't get rid of it like I'm a low-key hoarder so I keep a lot of weird memories and that's always a mind fuck like but the band T-shirts and. I have all these weird sweaters of my dad's I have like three or four sweaters at my dad's that like all know I used to wear them ironically when I was in high school and now they just. They just kind of hold his energy now and I just kind of can't get rid of them I have like my prom dress and my homecoming dresses like what am I holding on to these for I don't have a I don't know I'm just not getting rid of them though and. I don't know it's weird I'm having like a weird identity crisis now that I'm up here like I was this city person through and through when I was never going to leave and I felt like I was a city person and I. And it was a thing I was the most ambivalent about, coming up here like everyone's like aren't you excited I'm like I don't know I don't know if I'm excited like I don't know what I'm getting myself into and I'm only moved nine miles away it's not like I moved to the middle of nowhere and I don't really know what are why I felt like I had to stay in the city forever and when I was there. I didn't know why anyone would want to leave like how could how good could things be or not be there. You know up a bit like in wherever I was going to go like what was I giving up like what have I given up and then I had this thought the other day that was kind of bone-chilling where I was like is living up here going to make me soft and what a soft mean and if I do stop being hard is that bad, why do I want to be hard. Like I don't know it's like I feel like I've already softened a bit and I've only been here for a month John said the first week we were here that it feels like we're on vacation. And I've heard the same thing from like every neighbor that I've met that's moved here in the last 25 years that moved from the city so I'm like wait that means this feeling is not going to end and I feel like. Living somewhere we flicker on vacation all the time. Isn't a feeling that can last forever I'm just too cynical and I think the reason why this vacation me feel is happening is because. In the city you have this kind of constant flow of cortisol flowing through your blood you know from the traffic and the noise and the angry people in the trash and the broken things and like. You know and it makes you just kind of constantly on edge and there is no noise where I am now like it's all just trees. And cicadas they're so loud I can hear owls when I sit on my back porch at night there is a sound that I'm fairly certain sounds like it could be a frog. That happens all the time Sebastian walks through a little Forest when he goes to school which is 10 minutes from my house walking. I can drive to the court grocery store I can get a whole week's worth of food and that whole Erin is done inside of an hour like I've never grocery shopped inside of an hour it's just like everything is so much easier. And Sebastian has taken to it like a fish to water and John's been gunning for this for years so they're psyched. You know it's like they both are like they just they're just great they're really happy about the whole thing and I'm happy to I really am like I really kind of love it up here like everybody's been really nice and you know the entire social situation that I've. Come to realize it revolves around like school and kids and events. Like we've already gone to like six parties and school started and it hasn't even been two weeks since we started school it's really hard to try to make new friends as a 47 year old like I haven't had to make any friends since I was 19, I haven't had to make like a pool of friends since I was 19. Which is it's a very weird feeling like I'm having all of these weird feelings of insecurity. And like that I'm like not good enough or I'm weird or like no one's going to like me, the standing around and trying to insinuate yourself in a conversations is really humbling and weird it's like this high-stakes networking event where I like I assume everybody already has enough friends and no one needs one more. And you know when I get uncomfortable I just started saying like really weird things I've explained that before it's like I'm daring people to want to be my friend. And I'm having these weird insecure feelings like am I wearing the right thing like I went to a party the other night and I like agonized over what I was going to wear. And I've landed on wearing this bright orange dress like I was the brightest person there, but you know what I had warned that I've only wore the dress once because of the old covid and like I just wanted to wear it and I walked in and I definitely maybe was one of the more dressed up people. But it was fine that maybe would have like sent me into like a crippling I maybe would have left when I was younger but was weird like I have a lot of self-confidence now like I know who I am I feel like people are going to like me I hope and it's weird I feel like the, the feelings that I'm having moving up here and like the feelings of insecurity and what they seem more like an echo of a feeling than actually what I feel. If that makes any kind of sense like oh the last time you felt you had to make new friends and didn't know anybody and you didn't know the rules and you didn't know what you had to wear I like kind of entered like I walked in the front door and was like I had no crib sheet like I was 19. Moving here in the fall like I'm doing now and it's, it's interesting it's an interesting feeling to be someplace new trying to make new friends and everybody has been. Very cool but it's like you know part of the problem like I went to this party the other night it was a it was like a mom's one night. And that's what it was like called and it was a it was like a fundraiser for the PTA and. I was so nervous because it was going to be like like 60 women had rsvp'd for this so I'm like oh great every mom from school is going to be at this party and I don't drink anymore and I don't know anybody and like I say I get kind of weird when I'm uncomfortable and even though I don't drink anymore and I know that it is a strength and it will serve me way better to go through it sober and like the next day is always always gonna be great it feels weird like I wish I could just like, crack open a wine and just sort of like he's into like the. The the easiness of drinking where you kind of just no one's in really remember what you said people are going to be more and of there's kind of like a more camaraderie that goes on sort of but, I will say what I walked in the door and it was great like I actually stayed. I stayed until midnight I was there for like 5 hours and had I've had a really good time and I made some friends and had like a great conversations with a lot of different people. And I you know and everyone's been so nice and cool I haven't met one drip yet maybe I'm the drip I'm probably the trip am I the drip. My 19. So one of the things I've been trying to work on this summer amongst the buying and selling of houses and packing and parenting and trying to keep my shit together which has been really really fucking hard, did I mention the moving sex is this rebranding or rather like branding myself taking. All of the things to the next level I kind of tease this at the end of last season prior to covid I was trying to move in this direction and I've been trying to get more momentum behind it as it seems like toast and jam, like is finally kind of simmering down a bit from the covid I had done some speaking and a bit of Consulting this year and I just want to do more of that you made the toast and jam lab the online course to teach DJ's how to grow and scale their businesses in the summer of 2019, and it's time to kind of get that out in the world and kind of really start putting some marketing behind it I spent a good chunk of the spring making this origin story video that was super fun and oh my God it's amazing if I do same oh so myself the video has this Wes Anderson meets Drunk History vibe. It really gets the essence of who I am it will be linked in the show notes but I worked on it for a couple of months over the summer with Ben Mahoney's who's a. Good friend of mine here in Chicago his production company and I worked with this director, her name's Emily Barber and it was she did such an incredible job and her whole team was amazing I got to work with an entirely female crew which they had never worked before and they were all like this was the easiest and best thing I've ever done that they've ever done and I think it's because it was just all bunch of ladies working on it so anyway I know I kind of feel it so I've got this I made this like this origin story video and I've just kind of feel like I'm ready for this new stage in my career but who knows I am just doing it it's like this podcast I just kind of do it and I'm glad you're here and I'm glad you're enjoying it and I just feel like it can only get better from here and I just I made this new website and it's kind of like a parent company it's called American easy production and they're on my website that I've got a Tamara nisi production.com I have all these ways for people to find me and hire me to do all kinds of things for you and I just really just love helping people, I really do I like to serve and I have once again been doing weddings again I'm the backup DJ for when things go South and DJ gets covid or can't work for whatever reason and I made it all the way until two weeks ago middle of August before I got called up to dust off the old DJ controller make some magic and honestly as hard as it is to have the Sword of Damocles kind of hanging over my head every weekend that I might have to DJ when it happens it really is so much fun, it's like you guys I. Like I'm still really good at DJing and doing weddings and it really is like the only place that I really know what I'm doing and I'll capacities and I've Loved all my clients so far. That I've had to pick up for and I have a few more before the end of the season and they'll be dope. I can feel it so this season I'm going to be more heavy on the interviews I find that I really love doing them and getting all kinds of dirt out of my subjects is like, I have like a speak like a pretties like a pretty spectacular skill for that and I really want to keep exploring the inner lives of my entrepreneur friends and their businesses and the struggles they have had to deal with this women we mostly all made it up as we went along and as a result we have such crazy stories and I just feel like representation matters and I hope that you can see yourself in their stories as well. So now I got a question for you what are you doing with your whole ass this week. When we last met I was about to have surgery to repair my herniated belly button so I herniated my belly button when I was pregnant with Sebastian. And then I never thought to get it fixed because no one ever told me I should get it fixed and then finally I got a new doctor and she's like oh my God you got a really bad herniated belly button I'm like yeah whatever my. Belly looks like Ken's penis and she's like you need to take care of that because it's like bad that. You know for a variety of reasons so I get this doctor I go to see him and, he's like so yeah I just I'll just cut it open and Snips tip and I'll suck this up and I'll make it happen and I'm like great and he's like I'm like so that's it that sounds pretty easy and he's like well I mean it depends on what kind of results you want to get and I'm like. Well what do you mean what do you mean what kind of results I want to get and he's like well, you know if you're looking for like radical results of like you know like we need to get a tummy tuck and I'm like okay what does that mean what is it what is it tummy tuck mean he's like well we cut you open from hip bone to hip bone. And I'll pull up your stomach and he like points to the area like right. I guess below my boobs like we're we're like your stomach inside your rib cage area and he's like he like points and goes he was I'd lipo all of bat and then I will lipo the rest of what you've got going on and I saw your abs back together and then so you back up and, and then I cut the skin off and then it's all good and I'm like what do I have like a scar from hip bone to hip bone and he's like yeah. And I'm like what's the recovery like it's like when you can't walk for three weeks so I'm like no there's no I don't know and then I asked him how much it cost him is me like eleven thousand dollars I'm like no I'm like I'm like I'm not I mean this in a stick with the belly button he's like okay well and the thing is that I didn't even think that I was a kid I mean like I walk around with an extra 10 on me like every, red-blooded 47 year old woman but I didn't think that I was like I can't add it for a tummy tuck I thought that was like something that you know like, after you've had three kids and you're you know I don't know I just I just I thought was like what something you get after like. You know a gastric bypass young whatever I just didn't think that I'd be a candidate for it and and then he, goes and pulley as I'm as I get dressed and I'm leaving he's like oh here's an take a look at this and he hands me an iPad and its got like a bunch of women from the neck down who looked exactly like me so like 52 extra 10 pounds then showed like before and after his it was like he had like a profile for like every type of woman to like. Saturate their insecurities and go ahead with the tummy tuck, so I was like get away from me this is not going to happen so I go to get my belly button surgery done I go to the hospital I get into pre-op which is like a whole production there's like ten people involved and so they wheel me into the or. And they pick me up and they put me on the table and the doctor comes in and there's all these nurses probably like five nurses in there all women and then the doctor and I'm wearing. Two gowns, they put a sheet over my lower half and then I had a then I had like a sheet over the top half and they open up my gown and he pulls up bolt and I could tell. That I was exposed I could tell that like I could that you could see my lady bits and this is like they've already started putting the drugs in me and I'm starting to kind of go out a little bit and I'm like hey can you pull I think am I I remember saying am I exposed am I exposed and then I fell asleep and that was like the last thing I thought before I went out and then the first thing I thought of when I came to, was can you see my stuff and it was just an awful shitty feeling but it was like I'm on drugs I just had surgery you know I haven't eaten in 24 hour like you know the I'm kind of just in a woozi place and I don't I don't say anything. And I'm kind of going in and I'm like did I really imagined that to that really happen like you just kind of get into this like place where you don't you don't know and so. I get home from the surgery and I'm kind of can't stop thinking about it I'm just sort of like this makes me feel so uncomfortable and it here's the thing if I. I don't feel like he was trying to get his jollies off I don't I don't feel like he was like I don't think it was necessarily a power trip or maybe it was where he could just like throw it in he was like swabbing me down like they he was like mopping up with the you know SWAT like whatever sterilizing the area it felt more careless than anything so. I go to my post-op visit and it's with a nurse practitioner he's not there and we'd go through the whole thing and she's looking at it just your stitches look good your healing right come back in six weeks and I was like I need to tell you something. And she's like what is it and I'm like okay let me look at the surgery I felt like right before I went to sleep I could feel that my breasts and my my lady bits the button down below are exposed and it it felt very felt like almost like I was invisible like I don't know it just felt like he wasn't taking any care to make sure that I was comfortable and I didn't feel safe and it was the first thing I thought was the last thing I thought before I went to sleep in the first thing I thought when I woke up and she's like initial you could tell she's like well he's really thorough and he wants to make sure that everything is sterile because he really wants to avoid infection and I'm like I get that. I also want to avoid infection but I don't think my boobs need to be exposed in order to like. She's like okay I understand if she didn't but you could tell that she don't know it just it felt really uncomfortable. And she's like well I will definitely bring this back to the group and I start going into my little me into trouble I don't want to like it don't turn this into a thing or just don't want this to happen again. And I just want him to be aware that like. The power Dynamic that's happening in there because I was in a very vulnerable position I was drugged about to fall asleep I was back to my body cut open and then I come to and it just nothing you had it felt great and I just wanted to let you know and she's like well like well we'll talk about it with the team and I kind of expected to get some kind of, message from him some kind of I don't know I don't know what I was expecting but I expected something. But I don't get it so then today is my was my 6-week follow-up appointment. And I was nervous I was like I don't know how this is gonna go I don't get to say anything to me and I was kind of like I wasn't afraid of it but I was also like I wonder how this is gonna go. So I go into the appointment and I had to change into a gown again and then he's like all right let's see it and he's like all right it looks great you never have to see me again if you don't want to. And I'm like okay and then he's like so how did how did the surgery go and all of a sudden I like didn't know what to say. I was like oh it was fine he's like well doing with did anything happen that you were expecting or a like and I'm like what he's like you know like for the healing did you. You could tell that he was like trying to get me to say something and I didn't know what to say and you know then he leaves the room and I left there. And I was like what the fuck was that like is like he was basically trying to get me to say something. We both knew that there was the heat that I had said something. And he was basically making me have to do the heavy lifting of bringing it up of saying what he did wrong instead of saying to me I understand that you had. Some uncomfortable situations I really do apologize in no way he could have he could have taken the reins there. And said something and the nurse practitioner came in and out and you could tell she was nervous to so she must I mean it just felt, everything about it had an electricity to it that wasn't a pasta electricity and it felt like he was he was relying upon me to do the heavy lifting to be like you made me feel uncomfortable and I wanted to pop I don't know I don't know what he was doing but it didn't feel right and I don't know what to do about it look you know that power Dynamic is so shitty and honestly it does it ever stop do we ever just get 100% dignified situation. Like it's just it's like I don't know I really felt gross this is why it's the half-ass segment at the whole last because I don't feel like I did that right but I don't know what the right way to be was I feel like saying anything in the first place took so much. I felt like I had to really like juice myself up to even say anything in the first place and now there's just another old white guy that did something gross and knows he did it. And doesn't have to suffer any consequences for it because. I didn't have the wherewithal or the courage or the verbiage or the language or the role model really to get it taken care of in a in a way that felt satisfying to at least me. But if he would have just brought it up and said like hey I know that happened I'm really sorry it's not. The way I operate then the way that I want to do that I would have fallen over myself to apologize myself will go home sword and we need to bring it up or maybe I would have said like thank you for saying that because it did feel shitty and. I feel a bit better now that you know that you did that wrong you'll never going to do it again but he probably well. Anyway the next time hopefully there won't be a next time if there's one I hope I have better better language for that. Music. Thanks for listening to all up in my lady business it is written by me Mary nisi. It is produced by Christina sorum Williams and Amelia Ruby with softer. It is recorded at the toast and jam offices in Logan Square in Chicago, you can find resources and links from this episode in the show notes at all up in my lady business.com, if you enjoyed this episode and you did Smash that subscribe button and if you're the kind of person that reviews things on the internet please rate and review us wherever you listen to us it really does help people find us follow us on all of your socials and don't forget whatever you do this week do it, with your whole ass thanks for listening. Music.