And we are live!
Nov. 1, 2022

All Up In: Perimenopause & Midnights

All Up In: Perimenopause & Midnights

In this Lone Gun Woman episode, we get into the way-too-hot topic of perimenopause, how Midnights and Taylor Swift inspire me (yeah, I can't believe it either), and some remarkably cutthroat Sashiko seamstresses.

Press play then smash that subscribe button so you never miss an episode, and come hang with us on Instagram & Twitter!



Music. Welcome to all up in my lady business I am your host Mary nisi on this podcast all explore the fine line between having it together I'm losing your shit. Here I share my journey as an entrepreneur a mom a wife a DJ and randomly a beekeeper. I have no shame and no filter except the ones I use on Instagram. My stories of resilience a little structure and a lot of resource Wellness who show you how to take those same things and live your life with your hole. Music. Thanks so much for tuning in today I had a break in there we had the Jessica Hopper episode that was extra long it was a twofer and so I kind of took a week after partially because my. I was like you guys got a lot of content and I kind of wanted that one to kind of write it out a little bit more because it was pretty awesome but also I just needed a break, and you know it feels like I had an episode last season where I took a break and we kind of talked about. You know being imperfect and I'm really leaning into the imperfection right now it feels like my brain doesn't work like it used to and. You know I don't know if it's if it's is it is it covid is it like long covid is it like leftovers from. The covid I had it in May as I said here on October 25th who knows I don't want it to be that is it living through a heavy end-stage capitalism time that we're living in is it the newly diagnosed add that my doctor thinks I drank to combat undiagnosed add and was self-medicating and then once I didn't have the alcohol there that this add kind of emerged and that's kind of crazy I didn't see that I didn't have undiagnosed add on my 2022 bingo card but here we are. It also could sort of be symptoms of this perimenopause that I've been going through since pretty much right before I start at the podcast I was having weird symptoms and it's been really awful lately like hot flashes they're like low-grade all the time they're like it was before I was having these like hot flashes that were like they would come on real fast and hot and then they kind of disappear but right now I just kind of just like low-grade hot all the time and I had like a two-day almost out of body like temporary insanity where I couldn't stop crying and I was unable to function last week for like two days and like if I didn't work for myself I probably would have lost my job because I was such a mess but then I woke up on Friday and it was like it never happened and that was the weirdest thing was like I had like two I could to Daybreak and I like. Is this a midlife crisis is this I don't know I don't know like I've never really been a depressed person I never really had bad PMS back. You know a year ago and I was having normal periods and then like once I went off birth control I started having like one day of like. Mild PMs and it's like I don't know it was really weird how I had like two days of like. Brain fog nightmare sadness and then it just was gone as mysteriously as it came like no one really talks about how she did he, perimenopause has I mean they do but it's always kind of like about like hot flashes and like how they make it seemed like Mom's just kind of hot and slow and needs to Fan herself and that was like that's like not at all what it is it feels like I'm like being roasted from within and it kind of just radiates out from my chest and just goes to every Limb and up into my head and my hair starts sweating didn't know my hair could sweat brain fog I smell horrible like if I get sweaty I stink I smell. I don't know if I've never smelled like this before terrible mood swings it's like Punchy softness and. I don't care about a lot of things anymore which is great like the amount of pizza and sag paneer that I've eaten and didn't give a second thought about is crazy and it's almost like the punch isn't because of the estrogen but because of the carbs that I've denied myself for years and I'm just eating like a freewheelin Bob Dylan Like I'm just really just getting in there and it's it sort of feels like my body has been invaded. And everything kind of looks and feels a little bit off like I can't think of words or names my brain quickness is always kind of been one of my like you know my quickness my cleverness is always been kind of one of my signature. Thank you but think of what what I am a signature part of me see I can't even do it right now. But you know it's like when I can't think of a word or a name or whatever is it I'm like thinking to myself you're having a stroke because if I can't think of a word it can't just be because I'm having. You know just general brain fog but it is because of the brain fog this is not really I'm not really thinking I'm like going this isn't very linear thought but anyway so going months without a period like that was it's so weird like it's it's really weird like I was saying to my husband to John like you know like last week I was having a really bad break down and he like didn't know what to do with it and I was trying to explain to him like you know when your body has been the same way for years. And you've had systems in place like your period coming every 28 days or whatever and that's like part of your you know that's part of your life and when you lose it like I used to kind of not set my clock to a bit like my months were kind of revolving around it. And when you go months without a period like mine was so regular that I could set my watch to it like if it was an hour late I was freaking out

because like I got it like 3:00 on the Wednesday of the week I was supposed to get my period if I got it at 4:

00 for one full hour I was like parrot like convinced I had. That I was pregnant because my period was so regular and I'm really into my routines and losing that one it's not unpleasant but. It was a reliable unpleasantness that I learned to find restorative in a weird way like in hacks Deborah Vance she likes cells he's like menopause supplements and she makes that crack that like. Like that like in menopause it's like your body is like moving to the back of the cave and it absolutely feels like that's what's happening it's like nature is trying to make the store like like trying is to train a movie from the storefront to the discontinued been in the back like just making you like utterly unfuckable like. I mean forgetful do e dry skin Bonkers hormonal zits I've stink I just start crying over nothing hair trigger irritation. And like I mean it's like the whole concept of the mean old lady Trope it's like that is that is a Trope for something like that is that is why people. You know say that women are old and mean because they are because they. They're trying to make them unfuckable so we don't accidentally get pregnant and have a baby at like 50 is that what it is that's my own Theory I bought a book about menopause called the manopause manifesto that. I like three pages into it and it's like amazing and I'll report back more about that as I learn more but all of this is to say is that I was feeling very sorry for myself mostly because of hormones and having really bad irritation from trying to figure out my Adderall dosage that I just started taking. And my doctor told me last week to stop taking it all together which then I think that might be part of the reason why my productivity vanished and I turned into an anxiety-ridden nightmare. But then on Thursday we all got a treat well Thursday maybe Friday depending upon where you are was that we got the trailer from the nights, during the NFL during Thursday Night Football Taylor Swift dropped a trailer for the album, during the third quarter I had to watch a lot of football I watched like you know the second and third quarters because she said that it was going to come during the third quarter was it going to be like at the beginning of the third quarter at the end of the third quarter. What's a third quarter how long's a quarter last is it. I don't know because I don't watch enough football or actually maybe I'll watch exactly the minimum football should be watching but anyway she released this trailer,

basically announcing that there's one we've a video made for every song and then she released the record at 11:

00 Central midnight Eastern and I drew a bath, and I had to refresh Spotify for like 5 minutes along with a bunch of other fifteen-year-olds while it buffered until it kind of I mean it basically kind of crashed Spotify at a lot I basically stayed up.

To listen to a Taylor Swift album at 11:00 at night like I was a fifteen-year-old girl and I'd like to say you know it was all me and 15 year old girls but you know you did it you know you also stayed up until 11:

00. Or midnight or maybe it was maybe around the central or the California time you got to watch little is here even earlier in the day but but it finally kicked in I drew a bath and I actually I got this thing it's called 100 cents is the company and it's like a it looks like a travel pillow and then there's a bolster the girl get inflatable bolster that goes under your knees and if you put it on, you actually float in the bathtub like it it makes you completely suspended in the water it is the most relaxing thing I will try to get a link in the show notes because it's like my favorite I don't it's the favorite my favorite thing I've bought. Recently it's incredible anyway I drew the bath. I got in a hit play and oh my God lavender Haze. Kicked in and I because I know none of us knew she didn't release a single like she just said this album is coming and released absolutely none of it all though, anybody who's like a die-hard swiftie has been kind of once the album came out the Easter eggs that she's been feeding to us for the past year or so I've been coming out and it all made sense. It all made sense

So I listened to it twice while it took the bath like the little whole album twice and then I had to go to sleep because at that point it was way past midnight and I was dying but then she was also releasing something at 3:

00 a.m. she was having like a secret chaotic surprise and Sebastian came into our room,

like 3:

00 in the morning so the thing had been dropped it.

To a.m. Central but Sebastian snuck into my bedroom at 3:

00 in the morning and kind of woke me up and I looked at the count at the camera or at my clock the camera see this is

camera look at I knew it was a c word I looked at the clock and saw it was 3:

00 in the morning and I looked at my phone and saw that she released seven more songs, I was hoping for a tour announcement but the seven songs and honestly when I heard that she was dropping seven more songs I was like Jesus Christ I just started to try new to digest and understand the 13 you just gave us. Now I got to understand 20 but then you know they're great songs which I then listen to the next day but that said then she dropped a the video for antihero.

At 8:

00 in the morning and it was like that song is really good. And the song is basically my insecurities in song form especially recently and like the fact that she like a person who is has all the resources in the world. And has you know she can have anybody to do anything for her like she's you know she's not the sexy baby she's the monster on the hill like she is she's got a whole she's anything she wants you know she gets her shit done she does not miss, she's like the most famous person in the world she has masterfully executed everything that she has made and. You know she's gone from country to Pop Princess to like Indie cool impeccable songwriter who takes incredible risks and just does what she wants and it always lands and even if it doesn't always land it always lands enough. You know that she has the exact same feelings that I have 47 year old mom who is technically living in the suburbs like it's comforting. But what it really is as inspiring like I'm sitting here not only thinking but willing to say out loud in a public forum that I was inspired by Taylor Swift. Like a 23 year-old me wouldn't even recognize me I would be like utterly mortified. By my feelings right now like I had such low expectations for myself when I was younger like I couldn't even imagine success like what Taylor Swift has. Or for even the success that I have had like I couldn't imagine or deserve or allow myself to dream like that. So there was no way. That I could respect what she does you know or even being different to it I thought it was like worthless in the long run and empty to be, you know that much of a popular song writer and you know an artist in general but as it turns out when you are given support and love and also like the gut feeling from her parents that she was a safe bet like you can do things that no one has ever seen before, imma work incredibly hard she shows her work like no other artists out there seriously her work ethic is unreal. Anyway all this is to say that she can write a song that shows that she's just like us like me like filled with self-loathing and feeling out of body and maybe I have no excuse for being unable to push past this block that I have been in four months. Start getting shit done like I have no excuse like I if you haven't noticed there have been a lot of interview episodes this season and part of that is realizing how amazing the women in my life are and I want to get there or is Into The Ether and like you know get there, their stories because women business owners and women entrepreneurs and women who are working for themselves like. There's always a good story there there's always a good story there but it also takes the heat off of me. I don't have to do I don't you know takes the heat off of having to write these like Standalone episodes oh my God am I trying to give these episodes like CSM like shit like cigarette smoking man X-Files mythology like. Would it be more interesting if I did oh my God I'm going to start totally referring to these episodes as lone Gun Woman episodes should I do that is that terrible is that ridiculous anyway so these lone Gun Woman episodes that I've been putting off and putting off it's not like I have a big announcement to reveal I just have been procrastinating getting this next episode together. What's really weird is like on Instagram like the second that I started getting like a TD like my idatd diagnosis I'm not being targeted like crazy and Instagram for like. You know non medical interventions and things like that which is like creepy and weird in its own way but then I was having a ton of like. Anxiety about my procrastination and then I there was like this post that was talking about procrastination and it's not like procrastination is not just procrastination it's like. You know your brain like you're having it was it was basically trying to like pathologize procrastination as well and it was like comforting in the moment but didn't change the fact that I was still procrastinating anyway so then Taylor drops this like perfectly her created like rollout for a near-perfect record with all her fun codes and puzzles and Easter eggs and on the record she sings about being depressed and anxious and feeling like, people need to get off her back about doing things when she's supposed to like letting Karma take care of all the noise and how she has to take care of her own shit but oh my God and oh my God I do not want to be John Mayer's publicist or his conscious at this time like the three am Edition, did not come to play I'm pretty sure that bigger than the whole sky is about miscarriage like I don't know how it could be about anything else anyway my my point is that. I wanted to be said that I'm as surprised as the next person how much I identify with this record and that it makes me want to do things and be creative and change and. You know the it's like I mean clearly Taylor Swift is going through a major major productive season for her like you know she's put out. Mean when she tours on this album and she mean when she tours it's it's going to be tough for casual fans because she's put out four albums since. Of new work and then the Turi records and I'm pretty sure that she just teased yesterday that. Speak now is going to be because she just dropped the episode there the video for Bejeweled and like there's a bunch of Easter eggs that she's probably gonna be dropping speak now soon which it's all just nuts anyway she's just super super super creative and she's doing a ton and it makes me. Want to do a ton. I took a chassis sheiko class at a sewing store here in Evanston with my friend Jane so she Co is I think it's the art. They referred us at the art of like obvious repair like it's you know it's like using like the the thick thread to like make patterns and repair clothes and it was really awesome Jane and I were the youngest people there by decades and it felt right I just felt like we were thus we finally found our people our Golden Girls they're all just like vaguely cranky they have oldest like seen it all weariness and all these like these Grandma's they all have like patchwork like sweatshirts that had like on ironic puppies on it and they all had like beautiful needlework and they kept saying things like it's not for the country fair whenever not for the county fair they say only what like, if we somebody did something like oh like the Stitch didn't work they would be like well it's not just for the county fair and and I had no idea that there were we were like what does that mean because you've said they had said that like three times more the third time I heard it I'm like what does that mean because I don't have never heard that statement before and apparently there are quilting and sewing competitions at county fairs and that those crafty bitches get red for Filth if they're sewing game isn't tight I mean apparently like I like wouldn't you give anything to go to a well first of all it be kind of fun to just go to a quilting competition at a county fair I can only imagine the Cutthroat technology the Cutthroat like the shade that's being thrown like Mom able stitches so luck she's using that pink pattern again or whatever just sort of kind of. You know just sort of how it could be around that but I mean like I would give anything to watch a documentary about competitive sewing, like I bet it's surprisingly cut throat and I would be there for it. Anyway I've gotten really into the sachiko of the whole thing and I'm and it reminded me of how I so all the time and take classes before it landed before times and I loved it. And this is Chico is totally my speed because like I'm not very artistic like I'm not I like I'm not like I am not good at like drawing or, um you know painting or anything like that but it's like patterns that are super simple and if you just do them like they are. Like just like as they are like because there's like a bunch of set patterns that are that they always that are like kind of traditional so she go patterns and they're all made with just sewing straight lines that you just do in will you just you know do these kind of offset lines to kind of create these patterns. And if you just do just that it looks really good and then like you know like once you get that down you can make it more organic shapes and you know like one of my favorite things I learned in Improv. Back in the day is you have to like know the rules to break the rules I'm sure they didn't invent that in improv times but that was something that I really. Understood I guess when I was doing improv was like you didn't like there's like all these basic rules in Improv. Yes and and don't ask questions and like don't talk about people who aren't in the room and you know things like that and once you kind of know those done you can break the rules and you know. Do what you gotta do to you know make you know truth in comedy but if you the basics down and you really like really down you can find the beauty and just doing the thing. And that's enough and you know then you can take off and you know do crazy things beginner's luck only last so long this guy deep anyway all I have is all of this is to say is that taking that class fired up the glue gun crafty bitch in myself and I'm taking Halloween by storm I made it almost perfect Recreation of Sebastian's avatar from Among Us, and he is so pumped. Like he is he is so pumped we went to this Halloween party thing at this park here in Evanston on Saturday so it was like a week before Halloween and when we walked in not one adult knew who he was but I heard every kid. Like every kid like was pointing at him and Whispering Among Us oh my God it's Among Us like under their breath like it was a secret society and he was their ruler and I was really questioning this one because you know it no adults knew what it was and I specifically made like his Avatar like. Usually when you see among us if you've done any time with Among Us it's like the red character is the one everyone always thinks of but Sebastian's is maroon specifically maruti could like we were at the fabric store he's like where's the maroon Fabric and. And then it has a little crown on and then over his eyes there's a Post-It note that says dumb spelled D um and I was like oh my God I really want to be giving a kid have a costume that has the word dumb written on it like he's going to get like destroyed but nope every kid thought it was very cool you know and also he can barely see in it because of the way I built the helmet so you know I have a feeling that the rubber is really going to hit the road. While we were out trick-or-treating and he has faced with this verse and even pavers so anyway the sewing machine is fired up and I'm feeling crafty the wedding season is almost over. I had another blood draw last week and I'm going to do another hormone panel to see where I'm at with these sneaky nightmarish situations in my body like I did one year ago when I spit in a tube four times a day and I mean I so I did this thing a year ago where I like spit in a tube four times. Like every four hours in one day and I did a bunch of urine test and then it would got confirmed I am indeed a hormonal mess I've been down this seems different and so I'm getting a new one. And I just really want to know why no one fucking warned me about this like suffering and sounds is not my bag. I want my brain back or maybe this is just long covid anyway it's not great and if I can do anything to make it easier stop at I have to try. And you know to bring up Bell back to Taylor. You were not done this week this is still the week after she released the album we've got other things look forward to she was on Fallon last night I didn't watch it because I kind of hate Jimmy Fallon but I'm probably going to pull it up on YouTube and watch it I know she didn't announce it to her or else that would have come up somehow. With my people but yeah so again another Mary's brain isn't working. I'm having a meltdown are you also having a meltdown. It felt good to get this one out of the chamber so to speak it took me so ever to record it and I would love to hear from you if you have any comments or whatever you can find us on at a Mary nisi underscore production on Instagram or you can email me. Mary at Ameri Niecy and let me know what you think I'd love to hear from you. Recording a podcast is it's sort of it's a lonely Endeavor this is nice to know if there's anybody listening is there anybody out fast. Music. Thanks for listening to all up in my lady business it is written by me Mary nisi. It is produced by Christina sorum Williams and Amelia Ruby with softer sounds, it is recorded at the toast and jam offices in Logan Square in Chicago, you can find resources and links from this episode in the show notes at all up in my lady if you enjoyed this episode and you did Smash that subscribe button and if you're the kind of person that reviews things on the internet please rate and review us wherever you listen to us it really does help people find us, follow us on all of your socials and don't forget whatever you do this week do it with your whole ass thanks for listening. Music.