Work It if You’re Worth It

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My business is your business. It's all about my lady business.

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Welcome to today's episode of All About My Lady Business. It is uh a solamente episode. It's just me. Melissa is uh actually running my company right now. So uh she had to actually work. So I uh I had to be like a womp womp. Um even though I am her boss and I can tell her to stop, I also need her to continue making things happen for me. So it's just me today. And um I'm gonna just answer some questions that have come in over the last couple of weeks. Um, and I think all of you who have helped me out on that end and given me some content that I can now give to you. The video element of this, of this job or this of having a podcast, I feel like I'm like openly rebelling against. I like like I look at myself in this and I'm like, wow, I look, I look, I just look like I'm got out of Pilates, which I did. And I'm just not I'm not putting makeup on for these. I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna perform for you. This is just who I am. I don't know why I'm telling you this. Anyway, uh, you're listening to All Up in Your Lady Business. I'm Mary Nee C. And uh here is a question that I got. I manage a team all day and then come home to two little dictators that act like I'm the unpaid intern. When you're running a company and raising humans, where does your actual personality live? Interesting. The question basically is that you're super in charge and in control and you run everything, and then you get home, and then you're not the person that's in control. I guess, I mean, aren't you kind of technically in control in both places? God, that's a hard one. So I I guess one of the ways I could understand the question is I'm a woman who works all day, and then I come home and I'm in, I'm working like the quote unquote second shift, you know, like the the the you know, because I think that a lot of women we wind up um kind of falling for the patriarchal, you know, the like the way that households are run. It's largely falls on the on the on the mom, on the wife to be sort of the default parent. Um and, you know, your your brain is just women are just better at multitasking, you know, like we get things done in a way like it might and and so it's it's hard to not assume some of those duties, especially when you just do them naturally without really thinking about it. Um, and I think that in my marriage, it was, you know, I I didn't really realize it fully until the pandemic that I had just, you know, I do all the laundry and I was making most the dinners because my office was 90 seconds from my house. So I could leave my, I could leave it work at, you know, five and still come home and make a full dinner. And but it was just something that we all I just kind of fell into. My husband did cook, but it really wasn't it wasn't equal, I wouldn't say, at that point. And then when I had to go back and work, like when we moved the office to Evanston, when I moved outside of the city and then had to start commuting back into the office because we work in the office and I mean it's it's in whatever, that's a different conversation. But I worked in the office three days a week. And so it's like when I would get home, I wouldn't get home until like seven. And then I'll, you know, John be like, what's where's what's for dinner? Where's my food at? And it was like I realized, I'm like, oh, wait a minute. Like, we've gotten used to me being the normal person that makes the decision about dinner, whether I'm making it or not. And I had to basically say to him, I can't make dinner at all ever. So let's just pretend like you are, or not pretend, but let's make it that you are the dinner person. So I I really had to kind of I mean I had to really kind of analyze where the places were where I was just automatically doing things without realizing that I was just falling into that. I basically had to say to John, if you want to have dinner every night in this in this household, from going forward, like basically dinner is you. And we're just gonna always assume that dinner is you Monday through Friday unless a decision has been made otherwise. And that has been kind of revelatory. You know, I think, I think you have to kind of take your power back because you shouldn't be in, you shouldn't be like a boss lady at work and then you come home and you're just like under the thumb of patriarchy when you're putting in the exact same amount of time or more or less. I mean, any time, anytime you, any money that you're contributing to the will of your the the the well-being of your household, like you're just as important as anybody who's bringing money into the household. So uh, you know, I I am not good at, you know, it's funny, I I'm not good at um, I guess like following the rules or being like, I don't know, I I feel like, and this can't this is all some stuff that happened after years of therapy and you know, turning 50, where when I turned 50, there was some weird like thing that switched off in my brain and I've stopped giving a fuck about what anybody thought about me. And um people making judgments about me based on what I looked like and stuff. Like I I even though I was still, I still am, you know, uh following a lot of the prescribed ways that women are supposed to be acting in the world right now, insofar as, you know, exercising and putting on makeup and doing my hair, not wanting to do you know, like those kinds of things are they don't they are choices, but in many ways they don't feel like choices. Like I, you know, like I think about like my mom, whenever she would uh when we were kids and we go to the grocery store, Rogers Food Man in Omaha, Nebraska, shout out independent businesses. Um whenever you go to the grocery store, if she was, she didn't have makeup on, she would wear sunglasses and she would um wear sunglasses indoors. And if she ran into anybody she knew, she'd be like, Oh yeah, I'm leaving my sunglasses on because I don't need makeup on. Almost nine times out of ten, people are like, okay, I get like that's that's a reasonable thing to do. Like if a woman doesn't have makeup on, rather than subject those around her at the grocery store or at the wherever she's going, if if you don't have if you didn't have time to put makeup on, wearing sunglasses indoors is a reasonable expectation to that, not like, oh, Gene, you're beautiful. Like, you know, you don't have to wear makeup. That was never, that was never, she wasn't fishing for compliments. She was just like, I don't want to subject you to my face without makeup. And everyone thought that was okay. And that is fucked up. Um, and so I've been trying more and more to like just if I don't want to put makeup on when I go somewhere, I'm not doing it, which I know sounds like it shouldn't be that revolutory, but it is. So this isn't really asking your question, but it answered your question about my personality. But I guess, you know, I think that I guess prior to the pandemic, I my personality was like still, you know, making dinner and changing diapers until it was, you know, potty training and all the other things that came along with it. Like it feels like my life was very much easier when Sebastian was younger and I could just control everything about him. And then the older he got, the harder that's become. But I do think that what you to in order to maintain your personality or even just even figure out who you are, because we're all differ different people once we have kids. We're all different people once we go through pandemics, we're all different people when we go through job changes or whatever. There, you know, we we expect ourselves to stay the same, but really those are all big changes that, you know, we should be able to kind of flow with and kind of um, you know, be able to become the best version of ourselves with these new things that are kind of put on it. But I, you know, I was I was very good at managing all of those things until I realized, why am I managing all these things? Why are we doing all these things? Like, like the like I really would be like panicking about like when I would have like birthday parties for Sebastian, I would like panic about um I they need to have a a a takeaway, like a little, you know, party favor to take home with themselves. And I would make these dumb bags filled with crap that was, you know, probably made by babies in China that are made of plastic that probably has phthalates or whatever the things are that, you know, are killing us, microplastics, just be creating the microplastics, just distributing microplastics that will eventually be in all those little boys' testicles and all the girls' brains. And uh I and I really would every time I did it, I felt like I was like like clubbing a baby seal. And it also felt like I was just doing this thing. And I'm like, if I went to a party and Sebastian wasn't handed a favor, would I notice? I would not. Um, and so why am I doing all this? So I stopped doing the favors pr at after a certain point where I'm like, this is stupid. But I guess the way you I guess the thing is, is that you you should be interrogating every single thing that you do. I mean, that's hard to do every single thing, but all of the but really kind of putting thought in your brains about what you really want to do, especially if you're working full time and then coming home and second shifting it. Cause like, you know, there's a lot of things we do that we don't have to. And especially right now with the way that the world is changing, with you know, the whatever kind of revolution is happening, because something's happening. Um making sure you're living your life as you want to live it. And I'm saying this much to myself. I know I still do lots of things that I don't want to do or that are stupid, or but the more intentional you can live, the better. Ooh, this is a really good one. I'm six months sober and still don't know what to do with my hands at parties. You literally work weddings. What do you do with your body when everyone else is two martinis in? Um well um at six months sober, you've still you are still in a fragile place. So, you know, the first year of sobriety is always um is not always, I don't know, but the one thing I got sober from. Uh, you know, it's it's it's very fragile. And so um one of the things you can question is whether or not you even want to go to the party. Because um I did a lot of things because I thought that I had to, and if I didn't show up, that people wouldn't like me. I mean, I, you know, I have a lot of insecurities around that kind of shit. Um, but then when I quit drinking, it was like, it will I even have will anyone want to talk to me? Will I even have fun? And one of the things I've come to realize is that being sober at events, I actually have more fun. I actually am, I actually have way more fun at events now that I don't have the monkey of having to drink on top of it because I'm actually aware of what's happening. I don't say things I don't, I don't, I won't question the next day. Like I'm I'm more, you know, there at the party instead of just drunk and doing something stupid. But I also always, I always come packing. Like I always bring my own drinks to events because nobody ever thinks about the people that aren't drinking. Or if they do, it's a Diet Coke and I don't want to always be drinking Diet Coke. So I unless I'm at like a restaurant or whatever where I can't bring my own stuff in, like I will almost always come packing uh with my own, you know, either fizzy water or mocktails or, you know, weed drinks, because I am, as they say, California sober. I don't drink alcohol, but you know, I will drink weed. Um, and so um, so making sure you're taking care of yourself when you walk in, um, bringing your own drinks, making sure that you've got something in your hand that isn't an alcohol. But I also, it's funny, the question about like what to do with your body when everyone else has two martinis in. I have come to realize that when I'm at events, when the third drink part happens. So when I, you know, it's like when everybody's had three drinks, that's when the wheels start falling off the bus with all of you drinkers. Um at three drinks, it's crazy. Everyone starts repeating themselves. And um that's the most important, the most ignoying thing is how they're they're repeating themselves, the getting loud. And uh, but the re the repeating themselves is really weird. It's everyone does it. It's like I, it's weird. It's like I, you, it's like everyone decided on the story they're gonna tell that night, and then they say it once, and then I hear them tell another again, another person, and then they tell me again. It's the repeating themselves is crazy. And then there's almost always somebody um at the event that is needs to corner me and talk to me about their drinking. Uh, I don't think I've ever gone to an event where where there was drinking, where I wasn't drinking, and someone didn't want to talk to me or tell me about like, I don't drink that much. I actually, I mean, you know, I I've been thinking about maybe cutting back too, or I really don't drink that much. I only drink, and they start listing off when they drink and how much they drink. And I'm like, well, if you are this aware of how much you're drinking, then that's how I was before I quit drinking. So maybe you, maybe you should quit. I don't know. But that's your life. So I I know I have to leave when everyone gets to that point. So I guess the, the, the no, so come packing, bring your own stuff, get high in your own supply. Um, and just know that you can leave when everything gets annoying. Um, and it will get annoying because everyone will just start getting sloppy and they'll start hugging you, and then they'll be like, Oh, you're not drinking, and you, oh, I can't be drunk around you. And then it turns into this like, it has more to do with it has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with them. But it it does seem like people do kind of come out of the woodwork with their um their drinking stories and then not wanting to be drunk around me. And it's like, I was wasted around you so many times. Let's just, it's fine. I did it, I'm not doing it anymore, but I did do it. I was embarrassing at one point. So yeah, I guess that's my quick answer is that, you know, go into it thinking you're gonna have a good time because you're gonna have a good time and bring your own stuff. And then uh when everybody starts getting too drunk, you can leave. No one's gonna notice. They will not notice if you leave. So the Irish goodbye is actually my is my, I mean, I I don't ever say goodbye. I've never said goodbye, though. That's also kind of my move. Like, even when I was at like go to bars when I was like a bar person, like I would just hit a point where I was ready to go and I would just leave. Because if you start saying goodbye to people, it takes forever. And so I would just leave. And then people are like, Which happened to you last night? And it's like, well, I just I left. I didn't want to deal with saying goodbye to you. So that is that's the answer to that one. Whoa. Okay. So this one is okay, be honest with me. I got divorced, started lifting, my confidence is up, and suddenly my Instagram likes are noticeably higher, hypothetically. And I mean hypothetically, when does I look good and I know it turn into should I start an OnlyFans? Is that empowerment or chaotic? Oh, there's a lot in here. Um, so I mean, I don't understand how the algorithm works or how likes and stuff work. I don't understand it at all. And so I I don't understand when people have engagement. I don't understand, I don't, it's not anything I understand. So um your likes being noticeably higher, that's I mean, you know, the algorithm likes you. Um so I think that when does I look good and I know it turn into OnlyFans is um, I mean, you should want to look good and know it for yourself. I mean, that's you know, just looking good it by your own standards is is great. Um and that's you always look good. You all I mean, everybody always looks fine. It's just, you know, whether or not you can handle uh what you look like. Um should I start an OnlyFans? I so I am very pro-sex work. I think that um, you know, the reason why prostitution is illegal is because it's hard to tax. I mean, I mean, that is I mean, they might say that it has to do with morality or whatever, but I mean, if they could figure out a way to tax it, then sex work would be legal. Um, and sneaky women can just do it by themselves, um, unless they, you know, get underneath the thumb of a pimp, and that's a different conversation. But uh, but I do think that sex work should be legal, and I think that it does need to be taxed. Um, but so I think that if you if you do want to start an early fans account, I mean, fuck yeah. Like, you know, I mean, I've never been on it, so I don't really know what the culture is of it. I don't know if they need people to like commit or if uh, you know, you start with feet and then work your way up. I don't know, I don't know how it works. Um, I've never been on it, but I I do make jokes about it. But there's a TV show called Hacks, and uh there's a subplot with um this dance mom who they find this woman, this this influencer called Dance Mom, and she's like this Canadian person that dances shittily to mus to songs, and they get her on Deborah's um tonight show situation, and then she basically spirals out and becomes like a fame whore. And as it turns out, she's not a mom and she's a drug addict. Um, and so I feel like that would be the chaos is if you um start the OnlyFans, start making a bunch of money, and then use it to put things up your nose. Like that's that's where the chaos comes in. But I think if you want to do it and you and it makes you feel cool when you get to make some extra money, like make some money off your bod. I don't and I don't even think you needed to start lifting or anything. I think you can anybody can just do it right now. Although I do definitely promote lifting because especially for women uh over 45, you start losing that bone, that bone density. And uh you uh it really does happen a lot, right? After you turn like 45 or 50, it's like your bone density goes away. So lifting heavy weights is important. And I am a big fan of lifting heavy weights because that actually makes you feel like a badass when you are lifting heavy weights. Um but lift weights, lift weights on OnlyFans, that would that might actually be a cool idea is to just go on OnlyFans, live stream your exercising. I bet you there's some freak that would like to that would uh that would like to watch that. There's definitely a freak out there that wants to watch it. My friend um used to be a dominatrix. I don't think she'd have a part-time with me talking about this, but she used to be a dominatrix and um and she was a dominatrix for like 15 years, and she worked at a um in a dungeon that was in an office in the loop. Like it was just in an office building. It's like, you know, an accountant's office, a dentist's office dungeon. And uh and she would she had the her clients were all like, you know, C-suite fucking pieces of shit, I'm sure. Just like, you know, hate women. I'm probably being being very generalizing here, but it, you know, but just they were they were in a frat. They like college sports, you know, they don't have any female friends. Uh the wives they make fun of all the time. It was kind of like those, and then they go to the dungeon and uh and you know, she's putting them in diapers. And and I asked her, I'm like, did you ever like, did you have to have sex with these guys? Like, is that right? She's like, no, I never had to sex. And no, I was just humiliating them. That was like, that was the thing I was good at was humiliating people. And I had a really long client list, and she's like, I did I did fuck them with a strap on that pegging men, but that was something I definitely did a lot of. And but she didn't have to let herself in there. But, you know, it's it sounds like fun work. I don't know. I don't know if I'd be any good at it, but I would definitely, I mean, it'd be a weird thing to try at this age. But is it a weird thing to try? That's the thing I kind of have been like really thinking about, like as an older woman, you know, like I mean, you know, in my I'm 51, that's you know, not exactly young. And, you know, I think about like earlier, like during the during COVID, like the first like um we couldn't get our hair done. And I think I had gotten my hair dyed like a like a couple weeks before COVID started. And so then by, you know, halfway through the summer, my I had tons of gray, like tons of it. And I like, you know, I I had my hairstylist like carve out like a big chunk of white, and then we dyed the rest of my hair. So I just had like this weird skunky stripe like in the front of my head. And it was cool initially, but then I noticed that I started becoming invisible and people stopped like even realizing I was there. And it was weird. I I dyed my hair back and it stopped happening. So I think that's fucked up. Uh but I I think about things that I'll I'll say to myself, like, oh, I can't wear that. I'm too old to wear that. And then I'm like, what the fuck does that even mean? Like, what happens if I wear it? Like, I don't it no one will talk to me. Like, I love seeing like a like an older lady that's got like her own clothes, like her, you know, her style. Everyone actually everyone loves it. When you see an older lady that has on like fun, cool clothing, you notice her and you're like, look at her, look at her being herself. And we all kind of look at that, and then we don't think that's possible for ourselves or something. And, you know, I don't wear, I don't, I don't wear nudes. Like that's not, I'm not gonna wear like matching separates that are in the same color. Like that's just not the way I'm ever gonna dress. Um, but I did find myself getting pulled towards that, like seeing things at the mall that were like, you know, like, oh, this is what middle-aged ladies wear. I should probably change, like, you know, like Talbots or uh Ann Klein. No. Ann Taylor, Anne Taylor, or maybe Ann Klein, um White House Black Market, you know, like house stores that sell neutral clothes that don't give away anything about you. I that's something that I feel like all women kind of have to fall into at some point. They don't have to, but that's at some point you start getting pushed in that direction. And um, and feeling like you can't do certain things. You know, like whenever I whenever we go to like a water park, I'll I mean, I'll ride the water slides. I love riding water slides. I'm usually the only woman over the age of 30 that is on the water slide, and I don't know what happens. That I mean, I know what happens. You start being told that you can't have fun anymore or something. And it's it sucks. And so again, it's the interrogating the things that we do and making sure that you know, if you're ever saying to yourself, I'm too old to do that, or I can't do that because I'm a mom or I can't, you know, it's like the shame around that is really fucking annoying. Um and, you know, the the pre-embarrassment, the obeying in advance, it's it's some fucked up shit. So yeah, I think that you can if you're feeling good, do OnlyFans, you know, if it'll make you feel good. Only if it makes you feel good and get, you know, gotta get them clicks. My family is pretty hard to impress, and I'm kind of stressing about my wedding. Excited about TNJ though. Uh, but what actually makes a reception unforgettable? The playlist, the people, the one weird guest, what is a wedding you still think about and can I recreate that? Um, I mean, obviously the people make the most, the people you invite to your wedding are going to make the most impact on your event. If you're having a, you know, a 40-person wedding and it's all your family, I mean, it will, it, I'm not saying that can't be about I have done that. I have done 40-person weddings that are total rangers, but they are um few and far between. And a lot of times that's not even something they're even wanting to do. They just need someone there to kind of work through the music and they just want to have background music. Um, but the people that are in at your wedding are the biggest indication of whether or not you're gonna have fun. So if you're if I'm in a client meeting and they're like, it's 150 people and it's 80% family. Like, I'm not saying that like your family can't get down, but you know, you if you if you only have people over the age of, you know, 40 or actually, that's not even fair. I'm over the age of 40 and I have fun. But family tends to not be as fun to party with. Maybe that's not true either, but I guess the number of friends you're bringing is basically the answer to the question because your friends are going to stay till the end. Your friends are gonna be the ones who are, you know, have memories associated with these songs in you. So, you know, having a a guest count, your guest count and who you invite obviously is really huge. Um, the playlist does matter. The playlist has a lot to do with everything because, you know, the the wedding should be the soundtrack to the wedding, you know, you're the what the DJ is doing is they're soundtracking the best day of your life. And so when you're thinking about that, you know, think to yourself, like, this is my day. I'm paying a lot of money for this DJ. I get to have all the music that I want in theory being played. So maybe all is too strong of a word, but you know, we really like to customize it. And so, you know, if it's if people aren't dancing to it, I can play it. Like I can play anything, you know, during cocktails, dinner ceremony. Um so it's making it sound like you. It is making making it all about you. Like it's making it more like really thinking intentionally about every part of the wedding and not just being like, like I know DJs that'll like be like, oh yeah, they didn't really tell me what they wanted for introduction. So I just picked a song. And it's like, I would never let that happen. I would never let, I would never in a million years, I might suggest some things and they might choose from the things I suggested, but I would never just be like, I'm gonna figure it out and not tell you what it is in advance. Like that's not anything that I would ever do. Because I feel like it's important for the c to force the client to think about these things. Um, because, you know, some DJ, if they aren't, if they like if I if I had done that for my wedding and someone played Let's Get It Started by the Black Eyed Peas as my intro song, which I think a lot of lazy DJs would do if they were just told, like, just put a song on. They would put on Let's Get It Started by the Black Eyed Peas, that is, or uh Um All I Do Is Win. That's also that was a big one for a while there. Um but you want to give thought to every part of it and make sure that you are making sure it sounds like you and making sure that the people that you have pulling off all of the elements of the night are as invested in it as you are and um and want to make that vision come alive. And even if you don't have a ton of vision, hiring people that know vendors are also probably one of the bigger the vendors that you choose. So, you know, we f as a company, DJ company, this is something Melissa and I are gonna tackle later on, but like you know, we have to deal with a lot of venues that are trying to like we pay the price, we're getting we kind of get punished for the bad behavior of other companies. Like we'll have um like venues that'll want us to sign like you know, things that basically say that we'll, you know, behave in their venue. They ask for, you know, kind of ludicrous insurance sometimes, like policy levels that we would never that we don't have and we don't need. And uh and it's like because if if a venue doesn't require the client to have DJ clients have vendors that all are that are insured, that that's just very risky to have like to have like your uncle DJ it or have your friend take the photos or have or you know, you just do the floral. Like when you do those things, you're kind of opening yourself up to the liability that is around those things, um, especially if like you don't have an insurance policy and that client and that and that vendor doesn't have an insurance policy. So hiring professional people that can pull this off, you don't need to have a big wedding. By dint, by by the very existence of wedding, it's all luxury. There's nothing about it that is you have to have in order to get married. You can go to the courthouse, you can get married, and then you can go to Taco Bell and uh make it, you know, the whole day cost you$30. Um, you can do that. You don't have to do a big wedding. But if you're going to do a big wedding, like if you're going to rent a venue and have 150 people and you're gonna have food and all of these things, like you should do it right and make sure that you're not spending, you know,$80 to$100,000 on, you know, the venue and the floral and the cater and all these things, and then spend, you know,$500 on the person that's going to be like, you know, making the whole night work, like, you know, running the night, doing all the introductions, running the music, doing all of the ceremony, microphones for toasts. I mean, there's so many things that we do. And a lot of deep people that will hire their friend to do it, they don't know that stuff. They don't, and so it's if you're not going to have a person professional person for this part of it, then you gotta ask somebody else to pick up the slack somewhere else because these all things all have to happen. And I, you know, I one of the things I like to say with weddings is that there's no way to save money. Like you pay for it one way or the other. So if you're not gonna get a professional vendor for, you know, one side of it, you're gonna pay for it someplace else. Like when people have um, people sometimes have like uh appetizer, they'll only do like heavy hors d'oeuvres, thinking that that's gonna save them money. And it will, it'll save them money on food and labor, but everyone's going to get fucking wasted. I've never done a wedding that was all um cocktails that wasn't just a mess by the end. Um, which fine, they they had a good time. I mean, you know, everybody was real, real drunk and started becoming crazy. But that is the that's the thing. It's like if you, if you do heavy orders, people won't eat enough and they will get too drunk. And then they're drinking more. So they're that that bill is offsetting any kind of savings you would have had by not having to deal with the labor and food costs of, you know, catering by doing a sit-down or family style or buffet dinner, I guess is your third option for that. The question was, how can we make sure that a reception is unforgettable? And so I think that first and foremost, you need to have, you know, the right vendors that understand your vision, actually having a real vision, not just like, I want my wedding to be unforgettable. How do we do that? It's like, well, how do you do that? You do that by making it personalized, making it sound like you, you know, not stuffing it with every single Instagram idea and Pinterest board that is out there. Like I did a wedding once where it was um, the bride would refer to it as her big fat Greek wedding, and it was um, and it was at an Italian restaurant. So um, but uh she had everything. She had uh a mariachi band during cocktail hours, she had um an Elvis impersonator that came out, the the um the mascot for the um White Sox came and a ball and a I mean it was like every single idea she'd ever seen was just it was like a parade and the dance set wound up being like 45 minutes because there was all this other stuff that was like, you know, yes, it happened. But it was that there was no theme there. It was just like, I'm gonna put as much stuff in here as I can was like the theme. And was it unforgettable? Probably, because people like, God, there was just so much stuff that happened, but they're not gonna remember the things that happened. They're not gonna remember what the Elvis impersonator is saying because he was only there for one song and then the the baseball guy showed up. And so, you know, it's it's having a, you know, understanding what is important to you and, you know, mm making sure that those things happen by hiring vendors that can make that happen. Like I think this this was an or very early on in my career, but I did a wedding at um the a VFW in Beverly. I actually did a couple of them there. Um, and it's a VFW haul. Like it is like it, you know, had a the bar. You walked in through the bar, which was then filled with V veterans of foreign wars that were in there drinking their troubles away, and you couldn't do anything about that. There was no buyout for the bar. So you were gonna have people that weren't associated with your wedding at your wedding, regardless. I mean, at least in the building, they would they didn't come back to the reception area. But you walk through this dark sad bar filled with guys that are trying to drink away memories of napalm. And then uh, and then you go into the reception site, and then the reception room um had permanent Christmas decorations uh that they didn't cover up, um, which I thought was funny. She also had a chocolate fountain because Britney Spears had a chocolate fountain at her wedding. And I was the most expensive thing associated with that wedding. Like I cost more than anything that they that they did. And they were fucking cool. This couple was fucking cool. They had great taste in music. And I I don't remember their names or anything, but I do remember that wedding. That was an unforgettable wedding because it was at a VFW hall with a chocolate fountain and um the permanent Christmas decorations. But it didn't matter, you know, like that's the thing. It's like that wedding probably all in all cost maybe$10,000, if even that this was like, you know, twenty two thousand five or something. And so, you know, I remember that wedding as being really fun. And it was in one of the cheapest places I've ever been, and I was the most expensive thing there. So, you know, it's like you don't have to spend like crazy, but you need to figure out what's important to you and then spend money on that. Um, because, you know, you can't you can't get everything. You know, you can have, you know, anything, but you can't have everything. This is a weird one. You work weddings every week. You've seen so many couples. Have you developed the ability to tell if a couple will make it at first glance? I don't think that is something that I mean, first of all, I don't work weddings anymore. I'm more of a hot flash dance lady. But back when I was doing them, um, I mean, that's the thing. I don't know if anybody did or didn't make it out, make didn't make it, but I have had I've done a lot of weddings for people that I'm sure they're not together anymore. Like, you know, where and I and you know, if I'm in a base, if if if if I am going to anticipate it and base it off of what, you know, if I'm just gonna like make a bunch of judgments and not use any research or knowledge behind it. Like, well, I'll get into meetings and it's, you know, either there's only one of them there, which is the worst with if there's only one, if there's only one half of the couple at the meetings, then I mean, I get you there's there's there's a conquer and divide around these things, but I feel like music is so music is so personal. And I think that, I mean, we maybe even discussed this on other episodes, but I think a lot of people think that they know their fiancés inside and out, and that is, you know, part why they're getting married. So it's okay if, you know, only the bride or only the groom are or only one half of the couple is attending the meetings that we have as with the DJ. Maybe they're doing, maybe catering's always together and Fedora's always together, but like the DJ is for whatever reason something that only one of them is doing. And when we have had complaints, again, few and far between, but when we get them and we start doing a post mortem on them, you know, and we I would say a lot of the times only one person was attending the meetings. And that's so that means that only one person was getting in like what they wanted to have, and they assumed that whatever their fiance, that they whatever they want is what their fiance wants. Um, but then they're not taking into consideration necessarily the fiance's family. Um, you know, they've they haven't been to maybe a ton of weddings with that family, so they don't know all the traditions. And so the DJ then gets bombarded with like requests for things that happen at every one of the weddings that of her family, and you know, that half of the family wasn't represented in the meetings. And so, so that's something, I mean, that's that's leads to complaints. But I guess my quote, my point of that is like, are they not attending it because they don't care? If it's if it's an eye roll-y, like, you know, or the other side of it is when they're like, I've got a ton of opinions on music, and I've got the greatest taste in music, and I, you know, I want everything, or or it's like, it's like either we're not gonna be able to make this m sound like me because my music, my taste in music is so good, it's so esoteric, and it's so weird that we can't have my taste in music being, you know, played at the wedding. And I'll be like, So just try me. Like, what are you into? And they're like, oh, L C D Sound System. And it's like, okay, they've been nominated for Grammys. Let's not act like that's, you know, they're so out there. Um, but uh L C D Sound System is definitely a band that could be played, even if it's just during dinner. The only music that I've I really I mean, I wouldn't say no to anything, but like it's when it gets into metal or like a slipknot situation. Um, that is where you get into a situation where it's hard to kind of work that in. Um, but I did, I mean, uh one time I had a client, um, they wanted all hair balls, like all monster ballads during dinner, like, you know, uh Sister Christian and More Than Words and Um Every Rose has its thorn, uh, girl don't go away mad, just go away. Uh, you know, great theme songs for weddings. But um, but I did all monster ballads during dinner. And then I use that as an example when people would um when I would talk to them about, you know, what kind of music they want to have playing during cocktails and dinner. It's like, I'm like, well, at a reasonable volume, you can get away with anything. So, you know, just tell me what you want and I'll make it sound good. Like that's what I do. And uh, and I'll be like, you know, one time I did a wedding that was all monster ballads, and you know, it was like grandma didn't understand what's happening, but every time I hit play, there was like five tables of people that were like, yay! So, like, you know, and then after that, I wound up doing like I did probably like three or four more weddings where we only did monster ballads during dinner because that was a suggestion that I made in the like again, doesn't sound like the couple, but the fact, but I think like they didn't come to me and say, I want all monster ballads during dinner. That wasn't something they necessarily wanted, but their spirit was such that they're like, oh my God, if we had all monster ballads, the people that would like that's that's such an us thing to do. And so even though it wasn't specifically their taste, it was a choice that, you know, was um was them. And it made it sound like them, and that made it, you know, a memorable thing. And it also showed that they've got that they're a team, that they can like roll with new things and, you know, kind of do things together in a kind of a fun way. Like that is definitely something that shows me that there's gonna be some longevity in that couple. Um, you know, I had a I had a couple once where they wanted only music that was being played. The only songs you only hear when you're at a Home Depot. Um, like basically like all like 90s and early 2000s, one hit wonders, Barely Breathing by Dunkin' Sheik, uh Bitch by Sean Colvin. Um, you know, this Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover. Uh, what's that? Um, tell me all your thoughts on God, because I really like to meet her. Like those kinds of songs. Again, people were coming up to me all night long saying, I remember the bride's name, but like, you know, did they put you up to this? Like, are you because they I know they love this kind of music. And it's like, yeah, they did put me up to this because they hired me and told me what they wanted to hear. Um, and again, I'm sure that Dunkin' Chic isn't what they're listening to in their spare time, but they do have a, you know, they have got a reputation for liking kind of shitty, like, you know, one-hit wonder songs. And so I don't know. I feel like that kind of stuff that shows like humor, they've got a shared situation going on. They're both at the meetings, they both seem committed to it. I mean, I I, you know, I do stay I do cut, I do stay friends with some of my old clients. And there are some clients where I'm like, oh, they're they're still together. Like they were kind of mean to me during the during the planning process. I'm glad they still got it together. But um I mean, I, you know, I'm not a marriage counselor, but I do, I do feel like I've, you know, I've definitely been a part of some weddings where the couples have fallen apart. But I think that the a a a thing to me, if I'm going to be, you know, weighing in on this kind of concept, is just how well they work as a team. And because I feel like a wedding is like the first really big test of your relationship, which is weird when you consider that it's happening when you're tying yourself to them for the rest of your life, ostensibly. And uh I think that that might be why weddings are so stressful and hard. It's like, how can we get through this together? And if we can't get through this, then what can we, you know, like what else can't we handle if we can't, you know, figure out a way to get our family to be okay together and figure out a way for, you know, all of the things that have to come together for a wedding to come together. Like that is a huge test of how weather and of how compatible you are. And if you are, you know, in the meetings and he's belittling you because you said you liked Taylor Swift and he doesn't like Taylor Swift. And even though she's your favorite band, he's gonna say, no, no Taylor Swift. I don't want any Taylor. That's always that always makes my skin crawl. And it happens more often than you would think, where the they're talking about their taste in music, she'll be like, Oh, I kind of like pop music. I just want to hear like Kesha. And he'd be like, No, I can't have any pop music at this wedding. It's all I ever hear at home. And it's like, well, that music is what's popular on the dance floor. And so you're and you're also telling your wife, your soon-to-be wife, that the music that she loves can't be heard at the wedding because you hear it too much. Like that to me is a that's a dick move. That's a dick move. Yeah, I mean, I think it's just respect and uh teamwork. I think those are the things that uh that tell me if a couple's gonna make it. Again, not that I have any dog in that fight, but um yeah, I'm Dr. Ruth now. Ooh, have you learned anything while performing or DJing that secretly applies to negotiating contracts or surviving marriage? I mean, I think I kind of just addressed that with um tying it to performance. Part of this question is is a little irksome because even though I do DJ, I also own a DJ business that um where I've had to really learn how to negotiate contracts. So, you know, part I guess maybe that maybe I shouldn't be irked by it. Maybe the the answer to this is it's not that it's happening while I'm performing, but it that's the thing about DJing, especially event DJing, like weddings, is that, you know, it's there's so much more that goes into it than DJing. I like to say that being a good DJ is like 15th on the list of things you have to be good at in order to do this job. Um, because, you know, the way to do a good job of DJing is preparation. And so um, you know, you need to talk to the client, ask them all the questions, understand the venue, know where, like, is the ceremony's here, cocktail hours here, dinner's back here, like really knowing what you're going into and doing and not just walking in and winging it kind of like I do with this podcast. You know, it's like what's the Cicero or Seneca, one of them, it's like the what is luck is preparation meeting opportunity. Like, you know, it the preparation is the most important part. And so then when you figured it all out, when you know what you're going to do, um, and then being flexible enough when you get in there to know that maybe all the preparation, like maybe some of this preparation wasn't right. Maybe, you know, a lot of the times a couple will be like, our friends are total ragers. They're the most fun people in the world. And you get there and they're just like duds, and it's like you your friends are not who you think they are. Um, you know, that that requires some some flexibility because this some of the stuff that you were planning for might not hit. So you have to kind of adjust in real time. So part of that is negotiating contracts. But I do think negotiating contracts in sp specifically, I don't know about surviving marriage. I mean, I'm in a long, I've been married for, I guess it'll be four, 15 years, maybe. I think 15, I think 15 years this year. I mean, you know, I got my own marriage. I don't know if surviving marriage is really something I can really. I mean, you know, I have a good marriage. I like my husband, but I don't know if I can really tell you how to do that. But negotiating contracts, I can tell you about. So uh I love negotiating contracts. I love um I love haggling. I love bargaining. I love it all. I love it a lot. Um, but I also know that um that preparation is really the most important thing when negotiating anything. You want to know as much about the situation as you can. You want to know about as much about the other person too when you are negotiating contracts because you want to know what they want, what their limits are, you know, like it's all a dance, right? So preparation and knowing your worth is also important. And also knowing what you won't stand for. I guess this is part of surviving marriage. Um, because you know, it's like if you are trying to negotiate, let's say you're trying to buy a car and you know, you're like, I want a Volvo. Well, okay, so the cheapest Volvo you're gonna get new, let's say it's four.$50,000. I don't know. I don't know these numbers, but like let's say it's$50,000. You can't go into the Volvo dealership and be like, what's it going to take to get me down to$35,000? Because that's just that's not a thing. And so if you have a$35,000 budget, then look at$35,000 things. Don't try to drag a something that costs a lot down to that level because that's not going to work. And that happens a lot with us. People are like, I met with three DJs and I met one that was$900. So if you can meet that price, you got a deal. And it's like, what was the difference between like, why do you want to work with me? If if price is so important, why are you even still talking to me when I cost three times that? Like what like what makes you why do you want to work with us if I if we cost three times as more? And that's when they kind of get it, where it's like, you want to work with us because we bring you the value that three times 900 costs is you you want the value of what the kind of experience and um you know results that you can get by spending that much more money. And that and you can only charge that much more money really by having years of experience and you know, when being flexible, when something doesn't work, trying to figure out a way to fix it. Like our contract when I started my contract was like four paragraphs. Um and now my contract is I bet if we print it out, I bet it's three pages long. Our contract is ridiculous now. But I use my contract as a cudgel to like make it so that I don't have to like it's like my contract is all if I go through it, there's a story associated with why that clause is in every single one of my contracts. Uh because it's all in there because a client did something fucked up or something bad happened and I had to like, you know, fix it and I never wanted to deal with it again. So I made a new contract, a clause in my contract. And so um you want to work with the$2,800 company because they know everything. You don't have to worry about if something bad's gonna happen. A$900 DJ, I mean, when they know what I know, they will be charging what I'm charging early on in their career. I mean, if you if you if you're not concerned about it being perfect or close to perfect, or you know, then go$900. Again, this comes down to what's important to you. We also have people who, you know, I I would say almost nine times out of ten when someone comes to us and says, hi, we met with this other cheap DJ, and you know, if you can match it, and we're just like, no, they almost always were still work with us. Like it's because they realize that we're worth it. Go into it wanting to do a great job. And um that's what I mean, I go into every wedding thinking it's gonna rule. Like I don't ever like someone actually asked me the other day if I get nervous before DJing. And um I haven't gotten nervous before a wedding in years. Like I don't I'm because I'm never like, oh no, I've got too many names to pronounce, or I mean, if I'm nervous about it, it's only because the client maybe snapped at me or something. I don't know, like something stressful happened beforehand. But like I'm never worried about the dance set. I'm never I'm never like worried if I'm gonna be able to make them dance. I'm never worried about the thing I'm only ever worried about is like the worst part of a wedding is the introductions. That's the worst part of the night for me. Uh and then once I'm through that, everything is gravy. Uh, I don't know if this is really answering your question, Nick, but um, but I do think that you need to know I can't talk about surviving marriage because I don't know what your marriage is, but I can say that negotiating contracts is having as much information as you can and um knowing what you're willing to sacrifice and knowing what your non-negotiables are. And I think that's actually good like for surviving marriage as well, quite frankly, is knowing what you will and won't take and you know, having all the information so when you're making decisions, you're not, you know, fucking over the other person. Okay, so I hope you guys enjoyed this uh random question QA with myself. If you guys have any questions, by all means, my email address is Mary at a Mary Neesey Production, but you can also uh submit a question through my website. So uh all up in my ladybusiness.com. Thank you so much for tuning in. Uh, I guess today we talked about all kinds of things. I uh I have been Mary Necy, I'm still her. And um, I'll be next back next week with uh more lady business that you can be all up in. Be sure to like and subscribe. And uh please share this with a friend and uh keep on listening. Have a great day. Bye. Thanks for listening to All of the My Lady Business with me, Mary Macy. Uh, we'd love for you to like, review, subscribe, follow us at Olive in my lady business on the RAM. And if you're a female identifying person and you want to dance, you can follow. I mean, everybody can follow us, but if you want to be a part of the magic at hot flat dance party, sign up for the meal to find out where our next party's gonna be. And if you are looking for a detailed hot one area or anywhere else, you know, money's the same color everywhere. Fly us out. Tokenbeaks.com has the best. And listen to my radio show. I have a radio show on TripRadio at trifradio.org. That's Mondays, every Monday, we call them Tokyo. Today's episode is produced by Shiraz Data. Composed and performed by the Shiraz Data. Alright, guys, peace out.