Pretired

My business is your business. It's all up in my lady business with me. All right, everybody, it's back for another solamente. All up in my lady business with me, an exhausted sounding Mary Nisi. Um I uh have been going through crazy stuff in uh in the Mary Nisi Cinematic Universe, the MNCU. Uh I'm not even a part of the other one, whatever the Marvel Cinemac one. I don't I don't know much about it. Uh, but I do know that I'm in my own universe and there's been a lot going on where um spring is springing, the birds are happening, my hammock is back up in my backyard. My hammock is my my happy place. Um and I have kind of made a lot of moves. Uh, I'm in a state of big transitions, I guess. And I it kind of all came together with this conference that I spoke at a couple weeks ago, uh, Midwest DJs Live, which is, in my opinion, the best of the DJ conferences. And uh I was slated to start speak to speak at it. I they we knew a year ago that I was gonna speak at this, and like in perfect Mary Nasi fashion, I kind of forgot about it. And then I started remembering it in the fall and then proceeded to freak out about it for four months uh until it was like, and I, you know, I had been kind of working on it, but not really. And uh I just need to accept the fact that I'm a procrastinator and I have to be okay with that. I actually did a um green, my business coach who I've spoken of so many times, had us do this thing called a Colby, K-O-L-B-E or whatever. It's like a one of those like personality uh quiz things that you know, like corporate headhunters use for, you know, shrinking people down into boxes that they can then use to make decisions that are gonna affect the rest of your life. Anyway, uh the what I did mine, there like when you did the Colby, you then get like this little like uh podcast. I guess, yeah, I think it was a podcast that you got it from the Apple store. And it like you it it tell you you put in the kind of whatever you're whatever the thing they determined you were, like, because it get it whittles you down to like, you know, like a Myers Briggs-esque like ENFP type of thing. And it was like the first thing out of the lady's mouth was like, I bet you procrastinate all the time. And I'm like, I'm listening. Cause I've always thought of my procrastination as like my this like soups, like like a shame, like a secret shame that I when I was in college, I just would everybody else is like slowly working on papers, and I'm like unable to do that. And I would just, you know, whip it out at the last minute. Like when I would write papers, I would like stay up until like four in the morning read writing the paper, and then I would always get A's. Like it wasn't, and I don't know why I would beat my it's like the proof was in the pudding. I I was still doing a good job. I just my process is different. I don't, I just couldn't accept it that it was different than what other people were doing. But anyway, she said in the thing, I bet you procrastinate, I bet you beat yourself up for it, and that you uh that you're just the kind of person that like it, you know, you get you're mentally gathering the information and you're and it's true. I am always kind of thinking about it and you know, kind of always keeping notes and kind of writing things down and kind of getting there. And then I just have to synthesize it all in like one big chunk. And I just need to accept that that's who I am and um and you know, just kind of be fruitful with my procrastination. But anyway, um, I pulled together this the speech that I was giving, and it was about branding because toast and jam is, if nothing else, an effectively amazing brand. I will say that about myself with impunity. Um, and it was about how kind of sticking to the um the core values of Toast and Jam. And uh the core values of the of Toast and Jam are also effectively the brand of Toast and Jam. And then how um I was able to use that to like merry-proof the business and make it so that nothing hinged on me. So I think part of the reason why I was also procrastinating on the whole thing is because I didn't really know how to say what I wanted to say because I had some things I really wanted to get out there that I felt very weird about. Um, and that is like what I'm doing with the rest of my life and like, you know, uh what I what I want from this company and you know, whatnot. And it's interesting how it's just sort of evolved over time because, you know, in the, you know, before the pandemic, which I kind of see my entire life is before the pandemic and after the pandemic at this point, probably everybody else does too. Um, but you know, before the pandemic, you know, toast and jam was just trucking along there. And like Sebastian was born in 2014. And I, you know, I was still working. I was still, we had a, you know, he had daycared and I'd go to work, but Dina really did everything. And I was just doing high-level, really boring shit like contract negotiation and, you know, things like that. Uh, and then I started the the co-working space. I bought a building. I started this co-working space called Ampersand that in its first year was voted the second best co-working space in Chicago, according to the reader, um, which was cool. And um, but anyway, I started this other business and I was raising my kid and dealing with my massive chronic pain, which, you know, was in another episode very early on in this process. If you want to like learn all about that. And um, and then when, you know, COVID hit, I was gonna start like right before COVID hit, I was gonna start this podcast and I was gonna, you know, kind of try to pivot away to kind of doing more like business consulting. I spent like all this time and money. I made like this online uh course for DJs to learn how to grow and scale their businesses that like I launched and then COVID started and then I completely abandoned because I had 80 million other fires going on and I couldn't do anything with it. So that was basically just like uh like my my friend Susan was like, you know, when you make giant expensive mistakes in business, it's like you can just chalk that money up to being like grad school uh in business. And so uh, you know, like kind of what I learned in the process of going through it is probably but more than I would have learned if I was getting my MBA. Uh and so I really Dina was really running all of the day-to-day, and I was doing trying to do other things and trying to figure it out. Plus, I was parenting, my kid was little, I had a lot more things I had to do. Sebastian had just gotten diagnosed with autism, and that's basically like having a part-time job, trying to figure out what you're supposed to do because there's no standard of care for kids with autism. And so trying to figure out like what specialist for this, what specialist for that, scheduling this thing, getting this testing done, blah, blah, blah. And um, and so when the pandemic came in and brought me back in, it was um, you know, really hard in its own way. But then once the the dust settled and I was able to kind of step back and kind of see, like, you know, in 2022, kind of realizing that um, you know, we were out of the shit of COVID. But what I but, you know, what happened to my business during COVID was just, it was disasterful. Just is that a word? Disasterful. It's not a good word. And I can't think of words right now. I spent like 10 minutes today trying to remember the word that I've already forgotten. Um my God, you guys, the perimetopause, the brain fog, the lack of words. Anyway, um, so basically I realized like we hadn't turned a profit in a couple of years. All of our systems were completely blown up because, you know, the I hadn't, I didn't even know how to make a contract going into COVID because that was all being kicked taken care of by somebody else. And so I didn't even know how to run my own business. And we, you know, clients were had weddings that were like, you know, a wedding that was supposed to be in the beginning of April got moved to July, got moved to September, got moved to 21, and then got canceled or whatever. So our my books were like a tragedy. And uh, the person who was helping me out with them at the time, like she never knew what the regular time was like. And so they were doing it their way. And it was all it was a mess that none, none of us could really dig ourselves out of. And that was why I initially got my business coach was to kind of um get everything organized because I really had hit the limits of my abilities. I mean, we hadn't turned a profit in three years. I was there at negative profit and uh for the la for 2022. And I'm like, I didn't know how to fix it. Like I I had gotten kind of to the limits of what I understood about how my books, you know, how math worked and like how to I how to fix it. I didn't, I didn't know. I and I realized that, you know, part of the reason why we were kind of like the magic had like had kind of gone out of the business and it wasn't really working was because we weren't in the same room together. Like we were always in the same room together. Like there would everybody have their meetings at my office and the DJs would come by all the time to pick up things or drop things off. And, you know, when they're in their meetings and they are uh they're able to, you know, ask other like, because like on a regular like Tuesday night, there'd be like eight meetings going on at the same time. So like if somebody had a question about something, they could lean over to the DJ next to them and be like, excuse me, you know, I need to ask you, you know, where where do you set up for the ceremony at Cafe Brower or whatever? And so they were able to kind of get ambient training that way, or I could overhear them say things and I could correct them in the moment if they're saying something not the way I wanted them to say it. Like it was a very like it was we were always kind of ambiently training each other and everybody was kind of slightly competitive with each other and really wanted to like, you know, slice. So everybody was, you know, working together to make sure that they were all doing an awesome job. And and everybody really understood that like the that we were only as strong as our weakest DJ. So, like, you know, if if we get a bad review on the internet, even if it doesn't say the DJ's name, well, if it doesn't say the DJ's name, then it could be it could be about anybody. And then the DJs have to answer to that because the clients would ask them, be like, hey, I saw this bad review about blah, blah, blah. You know, what happened? And the DJs like, well, it was at my wedding, but they still have to answer for it anyway. So everybody was really trying to not be the weak link and trying to be awesome. And, you know, I was DJing a bit more then, so it was easier for me to train people and take people out with me. And so then when um when COVID struck and everything went online, I we I lost my biggest training grounds. Like I lost the place where everybody could could could figure it all out in real time. And I I'm I got kind of despondent because I'm like, that is, I don't know how I can recreate that. People are not gonna start coming back in person meetings all the time. Like, I mean, we could try to really force it. And I'm sure if we forced it, it would, it would work, but it would take a lot to get it to happen and it wouldn't be consistent. And anyway, I realized that I had to figure out some way to get that magic back. And the way that we did it when we started working with Lorraine was to develop the core values of toast and jam. So core values are a thing that sounds really corporate and weird. And I felt really lame when we were figuring them out because it's, you know, it's like coming up with like the four words that can describe your whole company. And it's not unlike a Colby test that's going to whittle you down to five personality traits that are good in leadership or, you know, not. Um and so we came up with the core values of toast and jam. And the way you do it, I don't remember exactly how it how we did it, but it was like you take your best performing employees and you kind of tease out what they are doing. And from there, you kind of see the physical manifestation of what you expect from everybody in your company to be conveying out in the world when they are out representing your brand. And so for us, the first one is to be adaptable. Um, they have to be innovative and resourceful, be creative problem solvers. They have because like at weddings, we could put anything on a piece of paper and call the timeline, but we're like where the rubber meets the road, when you are, you know, at the wedding, you know, we can put anything on there and say it's gonna happen. But like when, you know, you start adding in, you know, the the trolleys relate, getting everybody there, or, you know, the uh, you know, cocktail hour went long because, you know, they weren't ready to put the salads out or whatever. And so all these things can kind of change the timeline. You have to be able to be flexible enough to like change things, or hey, we have to move everything to another room because there was a flood in this room, whatever. Anyway, you have to be able to do that and not be like, what am I gonna do? The robot schedule I have isn't going through. Uh, the next thing is to be accountable. Um, everybody's kind of like, they were kind of like kind of like by themselves. Like everybody, they get assigned their client and then they are dealing with the client from there. They're having all their meetings, they're doing everything. Usually we don't really have a whole lot of back and forth with the clients in the office once it gets to the DJ. So they have to be able to manage, you know, two dozen weddings at one time. They have to be organized and, you know, be able to reply to emails within 24 hours and, you know, be professional. They understand a job well done, like know what it looks like when you're doing what you when you do a good job. So that if you like, because there's no real you can't really phone anything in in this job. It's a very like, you know, no mulligans, you have to do it perfectly every time. And by perfect, in my mind, is just getting there, doing it, and being awesome. Uh and, you know, as you can't have like a, you know, my boyfriend dumped me, so I'm gonna be like sad at this wedding and only play sad songs. Like, not how that goes. So you have to be accountable to the client, accountable to the company. Um, you have to be authentic and invested. Like we need people that understand music inside and out. We understand how they can manage, being able to manage the expectations of the client, having a genuine connection with them, um, having a growth mindset, like learning new techniques, if there's new, you know, kind of figuring out how to make this job continue to be interesting because, you know, the the clients are gonna always be reflecting trends and whatever's happening in the industry, and you can't just keep doing what you were doing in 2007 because it was the way you liked doing it best. You have to kind of, you know, like when I started DJing, dance floors. When I when I was starting DJing, when I started DJing for the first, I mean, most of the time, like the first 15 or some odd years, you know, it was always we started very we'd start with slow songs and then kind of ramp it up, and then you would kind of have like three sets throughout the night where it was like slow song, build it up to whatever a new song is, slow song, build it up to and kind of give people breaks. And no one wants slow music anymore. I don't, I don't even it's sad because I feel like there's a lot of older folks that probably would like to dance to um slow songs, but we just really it doesn't really happen as much as it used to. But anyway, it that's all kind of going along with the trends of the whole thing. And then also the last one is to have integrity. Um we want people who are sensitive, kind, inclusive people, so that, you know, we're using non-gendered language on the microphone and trying to make sure that um everybody feels seen, that everyone feels that they can come up and talk to us and that, you know, we're going to reflect what you know the values are of the client and the people that are attending it. So adaptability, accountability, authenticity, and integrity, or i.e. as we call it in the office. Um, and so when we develop the core values, and that's really what it all is, if it when you know all of those things, when you know exactly what you want, and it's not you can't make them up. I can't say like, you know, honesty is one of my core values, but then I hide income. Like that, you're not really honest if you're hiding income. And I'm and this is all coming at a time when I'm, you know, not super psyched about paying taxes. And uh I don't really like that my my my tax dollars are funding bombs and, you know, tax breaks and apparently ballrooms. You know, I get it that you want, might want to want to hide income, you know, that is a devil's bargain. Uh, but you can't call yourself honest if that's something that you do. Basically, your core values are always already in your businesses, whether you've, you know, figured them out or not, but they're there. What we realized is that if we were to take the core values and run every single thing that we do through it, we hire to them, we fire to them. You know, when something happens where my stomach doesn't feel right and doesn't feel right, like, why doesn't this feel right? If I put whatever the thing that's bothering me through the lens of the core values, I'm like, oh, that's why like, you know, this thing makes me feel weird because it like, you know, shows a lack of being adaptable or whatever. And so by clearly defining those values within the culture, then we knew the absolute baseline of the expectations that we could have of a DJ that worked for me. And so we, you know, realized that the training process really has to have every single thing that we do written down in a place that's documented as an SOP, as a standard operating procedure document. And um, and then we had a, you know, the we were, we brought all the sales in-house. So before all the DJs would get, they would get assigned, like a lead would come in and they were like, I'm interested in DJ services. And so then we would just tell them how much it would cost. And if they were cool with that, then we would introduce them to the DJ and the DJ did the sale, and then the DJ did everything. And it worked for a really long time when we were all in the same room, kind of hearing each other saying the exact same things. But when people are kind of, you know, um, you know, just doing it themselves without, you know, being trained and then going off and trying to do it, like I we didn't know what consistent through line the client was getting. And so by bringing the sales in-house, it made it so that we the clients were all getting consistent messaging about what they can expect on working with us. And then if DJs couldn't do those things, then they couldn't work for us. And it, you know, it it it makes it kind of it makes it easier to make decisions, especially hard decisions, when it's like none of it's personal. Not everybody's gonna be great at everything. And you kind of have to be great at a lot of things in order to do this job. So, and we also had had in the midst of all of this with my my profitability is tinking and all of our processes were fucked, was uh we started getting like a like an increase in complaints, which we never used to get. And I don't know if part of the reason we were getting a lot more complaints is because that's just we're, you know, the generations behind me, the millennials and the Gen Zers, they are, you know, they get told to review a light bulb, you know. If they if they buy a light bulb online, they they're they're asked to write a review of it. So I don't know if it's just like that they're uh, you know, people that were raised on reviewing things, and so therefore they are more willing to say things, but it that's what I was thinking. But I think also we were, there were people weren't trained correctly. And so I had to go through, we had to retrain people, we had to really work on the culture. The culture was devastated. Like, you know, I think that um everyone was scared during COVID and it was easier to take it out on. And I get it. I mean, I would have loved to have had a boss to take it out on. Instead, I just took it out of myself on the inside, tearing myself apart. Uh, no one can be meaner to me than me. So I um so basically we fixed the training process. We documented it all so that everybody was getting everybody was getting and giving the same information. And uh we stopped getting complaints. We haven't gotten a complaint in, I don't think we got one this year, um, which is or last year, which is great. And we haven't gotten any so far this year. Um, and we got all the DJs that wanted to work here are now are working here, and they are all psyched. We hired eight DJs last year, which was great. And, you know, I I also know the numbers better. Like I didn't, you know, I initially before I even started doing any of these things, I kind of was like, well, if we got cash in my account, then I fess I'm doing a good job. Like that was my that was my my my uh metric by which I knew I was doing an okay with job was by having cash in my account, which, you know, in a wedding industry is not hard to do. Like you, I mean, it's a very, you know, big deposits, big balances, like, you know, it's so, but I really didn't know like how many leads we were getting, how many we were converting, how many we were losing, like why were we losing them? You know, and kind of knowing, you know, the pricing of things and you know, having them actually be like on a, you know, like it's you know, this cost plus 30% or whatever. Like we had like we actually consistently priced everything and got everything where Melissa is basically slaying on all cylinders. She knows everything. She is on top of it, she remembers everything. It's like amazing. And I realized, and then last year we actually had a really, we had a really good year. And so, you know, I'm I am very worried about um the recession that's definitely coming. Like I, I um I there's if anybody doesn't think a recession's coming, they are insane. Like, I mean, statistically, we're due for one. Uh, and whatever Trump's doing to the economy with the oil and the war and all the other things he's doing to distract from the Epstein files, um, you know, we we've got one coming. And I'm hoping that, you know, the last recession, the 08 recession was really was, you know, we we survived that pretty well because I think people that would have gotten bans were getting DJs. So, you know, we did well then. And I'm hoping with this one we will also do well. But I realized at the end of last year that we had two years of consistent profit and everybody was in line. I have Melissa, who is, you know, running the show. I have a DJ, um, a DJ manager, Chris, and an assistant and a and we I hired someone, uh Rika. She's my additional services manager. And I have a whole team now. And I realized at the end of last year, I'm like, I don't think I have anything to do now. Like I would go into work and I'd be like, I don't, I don't even know what I'm doing here. Like, and so I realized that maybe I could take a step back and not even have to really be there. And that was kind of, you know, all of this work to get the core values and weave them into everything so that it's Basically, I can be there without really being there because I know that people are making decisions based off of the core values of the company, which are the core values of me, really, essentially. So, and then, you know, once we got all that figured out, I realized I'd worked my way out of a job. I'd finally marryproof the business. And so I decided that I'm gonna try to not be there. So I um I don't know if I want to call it retirement, because that isn't really what's happening, but I'm just not in the day-to-day at Toast and Jam anymore. And it's a super unrelatable place that I'm in. Like I don't know how to talk about it. And, you know, I'm, you know, gosh, it's only 15 years away from when everybody's starting my like my age would start doing it anyway. Um, but I just I need some space in my head to kind of figure out what I want to do next. And, you know, I I have given, you know, everything I have to this company and I've always reinvested in the company. I'm not that person that like, you know, I had a good year, so I bought a boat. Like I've always just kind of reinvested in the company. And so I kind of feel okay with, you know, you know, still being able to make money off the company and stepping back from the day to day because, you know, I'm getting my investment back now in my mind. And I don't know if that's a a good thing to say out loud, but that is what's happening. And it's put me in a really weird place because I realize like it's not like I think that obviously I think Toast and Jam's a great place to work at, but I have also realized that knowing who I am, like if I was, if I only worked for Toast and Jam, I probably wouldn't still be working here because I mean, mostly because if I I've been fired for more jobs than I've quit. So I probably would have gotten fired at some point because that just happens to me. Um, but I also um I I need it, I need novelty. I need, you know, some change, which I got when I, you know, you know, had my kid. That caused a lot of novelty to enter into the equation. Um but uh I need something new. And I am and especially when I when I figured out the deal with with hot flash dance, you know, it's like when I think about, oh, I think I did already talk about this a little bit, but you know, I I just want to DJ hot flash dances now. And I hope that isn't hope I can it's it's weird though, because I don't know how to make that a full-time job. Do I even need a full-time job? Do I want a full-time job? Why do we all have hot full-time jobs? I don't know, it's only based off of actual, you know, rhythms or whatever. So yeah, that was that was kind of my goal at this point is just kind of like focus on hot flash dance. Ostensibly, this podcast um is also, you know, in the equation. But I also like I have these desires and these moments to like blow my life up. And I've done, I do this, I've always kind of done this a little bit with Toast and Jam where I'd be like, I want a new bookkeeper. I would just like fire my bookkeeper and just have to get a new one. Uh, or I would, you know, I don't know, I I I tend to blow things up. So then I have to put them back together again. And I do it without really any kind of plan around it. And so I feel like I'm a little bit blowing up my life, um, a little bit with what's going on now. And it it also doesn't help that I'm clearly, obviously, like so unbelievably scared about what's happening in America right now. It really feels like America's over. Like it feels like we are heading, like I think we're all kind of operating in this place where America's always had growth. So we're gonna keep growing. And America's always been number one in the world. And so we're gonna continue to be number one in the world. But I don't know, Trump with this war in Iran, it's like, you know, we just showed him our our, you know, we just really basically showed him all of our cards. Anyway, um, like I this past weekend I was in Omaha. If I felt I felt lucky that I could just take off, you know, last Thursday and Friday to go be with my sisters in Omaha and eat my way through my childhood, which was slightly disappointing because none of only only the steaks and the runzas held up. Every meal we had was like, that's not as good as I remember it. Um and I also got to spend time with my sister, who I have not spent that much time with, and we had a really just kind of a wonderful time all hanging out together. Um but you know, being being back home, it it does, it did kind of make me realize how far I've come and where I'm at. And I don't know where I would be if I had stayed in Omaha. But um the the fact of the matter is is that the world is changing and I need to figure out who I am in this world. And it's, you know, it it's it's also something that, you know, I realized not too long ago, and I don't know if this is too much vulnerability, you know, I I realized not too long ago that I like set out, I I've done everything I set out to do. You know, I have a a really great business that I, you know, have been able to do what I want to do and not feel like I'm selling out and being exactly who I want to be, employ weirdos and provide a place to work for people that are also like me that don't really fit in in the real world. And I have a great husband, I've got a wonderful kid, I've got a great house, I've got piles of shit everywhere in this room, but I promise you that it's usually pretty cool nice in this place. Um, I've got great friends, and I'm like, and it's you know, they don't give you just like a gold star when you get there to know that you're done. And I'm, you know, I it's like I'm I it's like I'm waiting. I actually had like an interesting conversation with my friend Ellen about this, like how I'm looking for approval from someone, but I don't know who I don't know who it is, because you know, it's like when people give me compliments um about work or whatever, I either believe, I either think they're lying to me or I think that they don't know me well enough to make that assumption. And I don't know, and it's mostly and a lot of it's coming from people that I trust that love me and that I don't think they would lie to me. Um I don't usually lie to people about their successes. I wouldn't give somebody a compliment about something that I don't really believe because that is I'm not good at lying, really. Um, but I don't know why I can't accept it from other people. And it's like, you know, and she's like, who do you need acceptance from in order to feel like you've made it? Like that you can make these sort of moves to, you know, retire or get a new have a seven second act or whatever that I want to do, or even just feel like I've successed that I've succeeded and be proud of myself because my Gen X heart will not allow me to be proud of anything. And I was like, hmm, who would that be? I mean, I think part of it is my parents are dead. So I don't have like, you know, like a parent that has to, you know, pat me on the back. I'm never gonna get their approval unless it comes via, you know, vibes or whatever. Um, although I'm gonna forget this, but many years ago, I this is like a I went, I used to go when I was in my chronic pain cycle, there was this guy, Tom Voidis. He's like a, he's like a cranial chiropractor, something or another, but he's basically also like a like a shaman guru weirdo. He's like spent like a lot of time with native people and he's um he's real mystical. And he would do this thing where he would like just hold on, like he's like, where did you hurt? And I'd be like, my shoulder. And he would just like put his hands on my shoulders and just sort of stand there with his hands on my on my on my parts that were hurting. And then they would just stop hurting because he just like put his hands on, it was really weird. I, you know, um, but we had a kind of an intense session where he's like, you know, handing, you know, touching my pain away or whatever. That sounded very it was all in the up and up. There was no inappropriate touching the pain away. Uh I'm getting ready to leave. I paid him, I'm walking out of the place. He's like, hey, hey, is your dad dead? No, I didn't really said he, he's like, Hey, where what's up with your dad? Like, what's up with him? And I'm like, I'm like, oh, he's dead. He died many years ago. And he goes, Okay, because he was in the session while the whole time while I was working on you. And he just wants me to tell you that he's sorry and he really wants your forgiveness. Anyway, see you next week. And I'm like, what? Like, I mean, because he really owes me a lot of apologies. He owes a lot of people a lot of apologies. And I, it was insane that he was just like in the room and Tom drops that on me. Like, and then I didn't have an appointment booked for like a long time. And he's really hard to get in with. And so, like, when I went back the next time, I was like, I can't believe you did that to me. He's like, Well, it's what happened. And I'm like, don't do that. You you don't just drop someone's dead dads in there begging for his for her forgiveness. Cause I didn't even think my father had like the like wherewithal to understand the concept of forgiveness. Um, I mean, I'm also like, hey, Tom Voidas, in addition to uh asking for my forgiveness, would you also maybe ask him if he approves of me and is proud of me? Um, I'm sure he would have been if he was actually in that room, but I actually think he was. Anyway, I'm it's like I'm looking for this approval from somebody that I can't get it from, which would be, you know, it my parents would be an obvious one, but I'll never get that. Um, and I was like, I don't know, maybe Amy Polar. And she's like, what would happen if you got Amy Polar's approval? And I'm like, I probably wouldn't trust it because she doesn't know me. So it's like really, there's no one's approval I'm looking for that's going to make me feel like I finally got the approval I need to feel like I actually have accomplished something. And it was it was a very wonderful conversation for me to have because it made me realize, like, I think I'm the one. I'm the one that has to give myself approval. I'm the one that has to like be proud of myself, which might seem really obvious to you, but was not obvious to me. And so it made it a bit easier for me to make these decisions about like, can I move on from toast and jam? Because so much of my identity is wrapped up in it too. I mean, I had a big, a gigantic identity crisis after I gave birth to Sebastian because, you know, I I mean, adding mom to my list of things that I am was that's a that's a weird one. Uh, but also, you know, I, you know, I wasn't DJing very much anymore. I wasn't really working there any much anymore, and I didn't really know who I was. And, you know, I think in retrospect, that's what caused all the chronic pain that I was going through was the identity crisis around becoming a mother and losing, you know, the like cool girl DJ persona that I was 100%, you know, leaning into for the bulk of my life. So I think that once I realized I wasn't gonna get that approval and I wasn't gonna get that like, you know, certificate for achievement and capitalism or whatever I was looking for, um, it made it easier for me to make this decision where I'm like, okay, I can walk away. I can, I can try to walk away. And I'm not 100% walking away. I mean, Melissa still is emailing me things and I want to be involved. And I'm not saying this, Melissa, to like make you not email me. I want, I want um to still be involved in things. But I, it's been two weeks now where I'm like a person in the world. It's just like merry. And um, and I, you know, it's like I had the stress of that conference that I had to speak at um in the middle of April. And then I had this, this sister's trip that we just got done doing that, you know, it's like, you know, you don't know how tweaky it's gonna be. You don't know how, you know, what it's gonna dredge up. And dredge up it did. I mean, we there was one on on Friday we um, or no, I guess it was on Thursday, we were driving around and we like went by our high school, uh, Burke High School, Harry A. Burke High School, uh, in Omaha, and we drove up and like people were just walking in and out of the school. And so we're like, let's see if we can walk in. Um, I mean, like at Sebastian School, I have to have like a um a background check to even go on like field trips. So it's impossible to get into schools here. Um, but we walked up to the door and we like walked in, and the security guard was like, Hey, are you here for the cheerleading thing? And we were like, Yes, we are here for the cheerleading thing. And we walk in and we are walking down the hallway, and some guys like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, we're like busted. And he's like, Um, hey, there's um, there's a bunch of food in the cafeteria because the baseball players were gonna eat it, but they had to leave. So if you guys want some fried chicken, just go on there and grab it. And I'm like, this is the most Nebraskan thing. I'm like breaking into this place. I don't look like a cheerleader. They probably thought I was a cheerleader's mom. Um, am I old enough to have a cheerleader? I definitely am. And um, and so we just walked around the school having like mild PTSD, but also just like, you know, various memories. And then my sisters, all three of us, we went, um, we snuck on to this in onto the stage in the auditorium. And all three of us had the lead in our musicals senior year. Um Jennifer was in Hello Dolly, she was Dolly in Hello Dolly, and then Nancy was in Bye Bye Birdie, and then I was uh Nellie Forbush in South Pacific. And it was like the three of us standing on this stage that we kind of dominated at one point. And I mean, dominated still too strong of a word. Um, but being on that stage with my sisters really felt, I don't know, it felt really special and I don't know, it felt like a long time coming. And um, and just thinking about where I've come, you know, since then all three of us, I mean, you know, we've all we've all gone on to make, you know, our lives what they are, which are all very respectable things. Um, but, you know, and like while we're driving around, you know, we're seeing, you know, like houses that I went to parties at where I probably made some bad choices and they're telling really, really brutal stories about uh our parents. Um, and it was just exhausting and just like emotionally like, you know, draining in many ways. And every night we would go home, we'd just like crash out at like nine o'clock because we just couldn't stay awake any longer because of the emotional baggage that we were all kind of unpacking and then putting the clothes on and not taking them off. But it was, it was um, it made me realize how much it sucks that I don't have a huge family, you know. Like I only have my brothers and sisters, and John has basically just his brothers and sisters. And like we don't just we don't have very deep, we don't have a deep brunch in on either side of our families. And we went to a family party for some friends of ours while we were there, and there were so many just relatives and everybody knew each other. And there were people there that knew me, like had seen me, known me since I was a little kid. They actually like we ran into somebody who referred to me as Mary Beth, and I was like, whoa, no one calls me that anymore. That stopped, you know, in the mid-80s. Um, but it felt really good to have someone who knew me as Mary Beth that called me Mary Beth, and I almost started crying. I'm a little fragile these days, guys. I'm like uh teetering on the edge of a nervous breakdown at all points. But um, and I am really lucky that I can take this time right now and be able to figure out my life and kind of process through, you know, family and work and figure out what I'm gonna do. So I don't know what you think of all this. Um, it's not like I I feel like when I've been telling people about it, because I don't really know how to talk about it, and I've been saying the word retired, but I don't like that word because I'm not really gonna stop working. I mean, I'm still I would like to DJ every weekend. So if every anybody can get me, so I'm like DJing a hot flash dance every weekend, that'd be great. Uh, but if you're not the kind of person that can do that for me, um just know that I'm trying to figure it all out. Part of the problem also is that like the wedding industry is so weird. No one stayed, like I'm I'm my business has been in business for 20 years, which is not most people don't make it that long in the wedding industry. I think most businesses don't make it that long. I mean, only 20% of businesses make it to 20 years. Um, and so in the wedding industry, it's like most people don't make it to the point where they get to even consider retirement because they usually like quit at the age of 35 because their bodies are broken and they can't keep doing this job because it's a lot of on your feet and a lot of late nights. And and I am just trying to figure out what it looks like because there's no, I don't have any, I don't have any peers, you know. Like I'm I don't have a lot of people, I don't know a lot of women that own businesses. I don't know a lot of know a lot of women who own businesses that have been in business this long. I don't know a lot of people who have been in businesses that can support, you know, the employees and the things that I I do. And so I really have to figure it out as I go. And I thought I would die in toast and jam. I thought I would love doing it forever, and I just don't right now. So, and maybe you can do that too. Like maybe, maybe you are so in your shit that you can't even see an out, you know, like the world is changing. I don't know what's gonna happen with investments and things like that. And, you know, I I have been I've been poor. I I was probably happier when I was poor in many ways. But I mean, I don't know. I'm the bloom has fallen off the rose on capitalism and money and all of that shit. And I don't know. I feel like I just want to be a farmer. Like make my own food and and then DJ on the side. Is that a job? Is that a is that a retirement plan to make my own food and and then drop the fat beats at night? I guess I'm gonna find out. So yeah, I'm uh I'm in, I guess uh I would I just uh popped off and had a little convo with my producer and he referred to what I'm doing as pre-tirement, which I think I like that. Uh so thank you, Shiraz Dada TM, uh pre-retirement. Uh I guess I'm in pre-tirement and uh I don't really know what I'm doing, and I just have to keep going the way that I'm going. And, you know, I'm gonna get there eventually. And if we, you know, wind up having World War III, then I'll be on the right side of the good fight, and uh I'll have time to fight. I'll have time to enlist and uh, you know, try to try to take the bastards out. So that's what's going on with me. I'm in this massive transition and it doesn't feel good. And I it just doesn't feel it doesn't feel great to be in so much transition, but it reminded me that I have done transitions before. I have done crazy transitions in my life, and I never knew I was in them until they were over. And this one I feel like I'm aware of my I'm aware of being in it while it's happening and it doesn't feel good. Um but you know, it's like nothing good comes easy, and this feels very hard. So I think what I'm gonna say is that I'm once again probably gonna be an unstoppable force. It just isn't right now, but it will be at some point point very soon. So you heard it here first, folks. I'm gonna be amazing in the future, more amazing than I already am. And I look at myself in this video and I am really proud of that I'm willing to be on this video without any makeup on, and that I don't really care about these videos, and I'm just sort of showing you who I am because not to get into another topic, but I've really come to realize that aren't all of our fashion and makeup and everything that women are told has been devised by pedophiles for the past 40 years. And I can't be a pet, I can't be young and nubile. And my sister is doing such my sister that I'm like that one of my sisters that was there, she's like really good at like f lasering her face and masks and peels and like really doing all these things to like, you know, keep her skin good and everything. And I used to do those things, and I'm I don't know if I never I don't know. It's like she looks really good. And I look at her and I'm like, that's what I could mean and we look an awful lot alike, and I'm like, that's what I could look like if I, you know, and she's also 10 years older than me, and she's maybe looks younger than me. I don't know. We didn't we didn't play that game while I was there. But I don't know. It's I I feel like I'm turning into the witch that would have been burned 400 years ago. That I really do feel that. I actually think I am a witch, which might be a conversation for another day. So um thanks everybody for tuning in to this weird. Is is this podcast just turning into like what there was this show called Herman's Head when I was a kid that was on TV where like you could there were like people inside of like the it was like Herman lived his life and then you got to see what his like the characters inside of his brain were like, you know, it was kind of like inside out, but it was a white guy, and then it was, you know, more horny because it was the 80s. Um are we just Herman's heading this? Is we're just going through the windmills of my mind? I think we are. Um, but you hear you stayed till the end, and for that, you should go and write a review of this podcast. Just don't say anything mean. Um, because you know, you're supposed to rate and review these things. And that's how I'm supposed to be asking you to do it too, which I never do because I'm bad at that part too. Uh so I'm really grateful once again for Shiraz too, uh, for making uh those things happen. So thanks everybody for tuning in. And uh next week I will hopefully have, I think I know I'm gonna have uh a guest or two in the audience, so or in the on the pods. So um keep on keeping on, and I will see you on the flip deflop. Bye. Thanks for listening to All of the My Lady Business with me, Mary Lucy. Uh, we'd love for you to like, review, subscribe, follow us at all of the my lady business on the gram. And if you're a female identifying person and you want to dance, you can follow. I mean, everybody can follow us, but if you want to be a part of the magic at hot watch dance party, for the female find out where our next party could be if you want to be hot one area or anything more. You know, like color quiet sounds.com has the button and listen to my radio show. I'm a radio show on trip radio and trip radio.org. That's one day it's everyone. Um five dot. Alright, guys, peace out.