Lost Girl With Ashley Logan

SPEAKER_01 0:14

My business is your business. It's all within my lady business with me. Very easy. Listeners or watchers might realize we're you're in a new space.

SPEAKER_00 0:33

I'm in a new space. Yeah. And this is interesting. So I have moved 10 years ago, almost to the date, like September 6th, 2016, was when I opened my first office for Yakity Yak in the city. And it was when my daughter was six months old. That was when our nanny started. And I would haul a breast pump to and from work. And it was such an interesting journey because I was in this like shared co-working space on Adams Street in Chicago. And there was no like my office, my private office was all glass. Like there was nowhere to wear to put it. Was it a WeWork? It was kind of, it was that concept before WeWork got a little bit bigger. Industrious? Yeah, I do maybe something like that.

SPEAKER_01 1:27

I just remember I owned a co-working space.

SPEAKER_00 1:29

So I was so this was the one on um, it was like 219 South Adams or something like that, West Adams. It was like right across from the Sears Tower, right by Hot Walk, cool sushi. Cool sushi. Um so good. Like, can we please go there? Um so in any event, like I remember having to ask for special accommodations and they gave me this like bathroom on the ninth floor or something. And this was also the bathroom that um that the men used to go poo, and because it was like a less trafficked bathroom. And so they put like a sign on the door that was like, we're using this for as a mother's room. And then like I would like get there and it would be locked, and then like a dude would walk out with a newspaper, and then I would just was like, do not go in there. And then I'd have to like sit there on the floor.

SPEAKER_01 2:21

Um in like the warm some man's morning constitution.

SPEAKER_00 2:27

Yeah. Um gross. It was so gross. And then so did that for a while and then um moved into a different space on Jackson. Loved that space. It was like so gorgeous. I could be from my desk to the train in six minutes and I push it every time. And it was just like just the best. Um, and then I moved to a space in downtown Hinsdale that was closer to my house where I could um, you know, have meetings and other things, but I moved my team fully remote before my company merged with another. And now the lease is up, and so I decided that even though I could probably make use of the space, it was gorgeous. Um tree lined, like just so cute. It was in the oldest building in Hinsdale and didn't feel ghosty. It just felt lovely. I I loved being there. But yesterday I moved. And so now I have a dedicated office in my home. I kicked my six-year-old out of his room. So now into where? He sleeps with his brother. They share. And they love it. Are you okay with that? Okay. They totally are. They're six and eight years old. And yeah, like they love it. They named it the Bob Nation Headquarters. They have like like they have this whole thing. What does Bob Nation mean? No idea, but that is what they named it. They go, they when they get home, they're like, let's go to Bob Nation Headquarters, and they like run in there.

SPEAKER_03 3:56

I love it.

SPEAKER_00 3:57

And it's so cute. And so, but like if you notice here, I've got some Godzilla decal with a with a helicopter. Um so but it's really are those chimes and a drum above it.

SPEAKER_01 4:11

Yeah. Are those are those like are those like drum circle instruments? These are sound healing. Oh, yeah, it's sound healing.

SPEAKER_00 4:20

Sound healing stuff.

SPEAKER_01 4:22

I love how you went right into an ohm sound at the end there. Oh. I need to do one of your drum circle things. Healing circle, sound circle.

SPEAKER_00 4:32

Maybe come to something. Maybe come to something. Maybe someday. Someday. But um, it's interesting because I like tied so much in. I'm I'm curious about this for you. As an entrepreneur, like I attached some sort of value to like my worth is attached to having office space. That that means that I have made it, that I have a destination, I have a spot to go to, I'm paying rent, I'm doing all those things. And I have, as you know, and maybe people listening know they care, like been on a pretty massive journey of self-inquiry for the last um four, score, and seven years ago. And part of that has been deciding like what's true for me versus what's been told to me. And one of those questions I had to ask was about was about office space. Am I still legit if I have a dedicated space at home?

SPEAKER_01 5:28

So I think the operative phrase that you said there was like even if I was told that this is what it took to become it or to do it or make it or whatever. Um like it's all, I mean, part of part of it is based on what you're told, but part of it is also like based on like this is what you do when you have a business. And even, I mean, there was a lot of things that were counterintuitive to me as a business owner that I just had to do because it's kind of what everyone else is doing. And it along those same lines was the office. I mean, part of the reason why I got an office back when I I got my first office in 2007, I think was when I first got my my the toast, the first toast and jam offices outside of my house.

SPEAKER_00 6:06

Gosh, you didn't bad bitch.

SPEAKER_01 6:08

Um actually it was the it was the end of 2007, it was 2008. I mean, it was like I got it in 2007 and then we moved in in 2008, in January 2008. Um, but I had to do it because I had no separation between church and state. Like I was working, I would because I was living, I had moved into my condo, which I was I had been living in Wicker Park. I lived in Wicker Park for 10 years. And then I bought a condo in Old Irving, which was on the blue line, but it was like, you know, it was stop many stops away from where my all my friends were, which everyone was in Logan Square and Wicker Park in Bucktown. And so it was it in my mind, I was living basically in the Hensdale of Chicago. Like I was, I was the fuck away from everybody, which was great from a business building perspective, but was really bad from a loneliness perspective.

SPEAKER_03 6:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:54

Um, and so it made it so it was like I have to get on the train. If I if I couldn't want to drink tonight, I'd have to either take the train or ride my bike. That was also my like, well, I'm gonna drink tonight, so I probably should ride my bike. That was always a calculus that I would mean. Drunk, drunk, drunk biking. Um, speaking of yesterday was my five-year uh quitted drinking anniversary. Yeah, I'm so proud of you. Five years. Yeah. Actually, we did yeah, actually, we're in the midst of the uh chirp pledge drive right now. Um yesterday was my one day on the air, and I'm like, I'm really good at raising money. I love pledge drive. I love asking, I love asking people for money. I'm actually surprisingly good at it. Um that doesn't surprise me at all. I raised the most money yesterday that I've ever raised. And uh part of it was that I did a $500 matching grant for the first hour of my show for $100 for every year that I um quit drinking. And so I had I did a $500 matching grant. So in that first hour, I got actually $800 and something. So I exceeded so I so really it was $1,800 basically, was what I or no, wait, what's $800 plus five? $1,300. $1,300. So that's what so I raised that the first hour, and then I had another matching grant of a thousand from another person, and then I raised another thousand off of that. So I raised it was like thirty eight hundred dollars or something. I am so proud of you. That is awesome. Congrats. But anyway, uh wait, why was I talking about that? Pledge drive drinking. Oh, pal the calculus of of uh living in the middle of nowhere. So basically it made it possible for me to build toast and jam. I think the reason why I was able to build my business is that I was alone, I was single, I was living in the middle of nowhere, and it was hard to get anywhere. And so, but it would make it so that I would one one of the best things about working for myself when I first quit like working for other people and started toast and jam was I didn't have to be up at any time. And so I could just wake up whenever I wanted to. I woke up at nine, nine thirty.

SPEAKER_00 8:52

Shut up. Really? Ten o'clock. See, that I can't shake that part of me. It's like I like early bird catches the worm.

SPEAKER_01 8:59

Now, now I'm like that. But back, but when I first started toast and jam, I realized I needed way more sleep than I was getting. Because I was always waking up at between, you know, six and eight. No, I was really always waking up at seven o'clock, I think was it probably the earliest I ever woke up before I had kids, a kid, the one child I have that I know about. Am I right? Um But uh yeah, so but I do think that isolation helped me, but it also made it so I was working all the fucking time. Like I would be it'd be four o'clock in the afternoon, I would still be in my pajamas, I'd be on my third meal of the day, and I would hadn't brushed my teeth. I, you know, like and I and I had already done like 15 contracts, I'd had three meetings, you know, like I was doing all this. Actually, I wasn't having any meetings because I was doing everything in person. But um so then after two years of that and me not feeling like and I gained a bunch of weight, like it was just so I'm like, I need, I need to, I need to have a place where like work goes to work and stays at work. So I'm not writing emails at 11 o'clock at night. And so by doing that, I made a work computer and then that and all my work stuff was on that computer. And you had, I mean, that's where my QuickBooks was. QuickBooks was like one app, right? It was a software online, no, there was a lot of things. There was nothing, literally, there was no cloud. Nothing existed on the cloud. And so I had my work computer and everything stayed at work. And it was like that. I had my work computer and my DJ computer, and there the twain shall meet. And I I would uh and then when COVID happened, that's what fucked everything up. And I I brought my computer home and then I was working from home. And so where I'm going with this is that yes, it is good to have an office because when we would when we all had a much better work-life balance and we could like set boundaries with our clients, and I'm only reapplying to emails between 10 o'clock and five o'clock in the afternoon, and blah, blah, blah. You know, like I could make those rules when I had the office. So then if I missed a call, it's like, sorry, I wasn't at the office. I was at the office.

SPEAKER_00 11:03

Right, right, right. And now they're all supposed to be on all the time.

SPEAKER_01 11:10

Available at all times. So that's the thing where I'm saying it. So the office versus home, have you made it? It's like I almost feel like going back to having an office now that where like work is at work and you don't do work anywhere else is kind of a flex. I feel like dividing your time up and being like, I'm I'm sacred about I only work between the X and X, and you can't get me outside of that time. So I think it's cool.

SPEAKER_00 11:35

I kind of like did that, by the way. Like that's kind of been my my thing for the last couple of years is being very much like like I will have clients text me on the weekends and I just and I just don't I don't reply. Um and it's not because I am it's because I believe so much in having boundaries and also like it's just it's a it's a matter of respect and all those things. I'm a single mom of three kids. Like so if I don't, if you text me about some business endeavor on a Saturday at 4 p.m., I'm not getting out of here.

SPEAKER_01 12:12

Unless unless it's a fucking emergency where things are burning, but there's nothing burning in your world. Is there anything burning at five four o'clock on a Saturday that a client would bring to you?

SPEAKER_00 12:23

Yeah, I mean, like, especially people I'm working with in the healing space where like there's something that like is like really needs attention, of course. But like But what's an what's an example of that?

SPEAKER_01 12:34

Like there's their sound, their sound gong isn't working.

SPEAKER_00 12:37

My kids my kids in the ER and I just had a panic attack and I don't know how to regulate myself.

SPEAKER_01 12:42

Okay. Got it. Okay. So these are people that you're actively helping.

SPEAKER_00 12:47

Yeah, yeah. Like actively helping in the world. But can we shift gears for a second?

SPEAKER_01 12:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:53

Um I just I want to acknowledge like five years sober, man.

SPEAKER_01 12:58

Yeah. Well, not too I mean, you know, it's I mean alcohol free. The cal yeah, alcohol free. Although my son, uh, when I was when we were on spring break, um, I ordered a mocktail. Um and they came and gave it to me. I started drinking, and I'm like, God, this thing is really, God, this tastes real. Like they did a really good job with this mocktail. And then like five minutes later, they brought me another drink, and I'm like, what's that? And they're like, that's your mocktail. I'm like, what am I drinking? And they're like, a margarita. And I'm like, with alcohol? And they're like, yeah, and like my face crumbles because it's the first alcohol that I'd had in five years. This is like in April of this year. Um, and I'm like, I just gave it back to they didn't apologize, they didn't take it off my, they didn't take whatever. It was another language. I'm just gonna like let it ha slide. But um, but Sebastian reminded me, he's like, actually, no, that's not true, mom. You had that half of that drink in when we were in Panama over spring break. And I'm like, I almost wanted to say, fuck you, and fuck you. It wasn't real. I didn't decide to drink it. I stopped drinking it once I knew it was alcohol. I didn't tell my son to fuck off, but I wanted to. But he he did remind me. That's the upside to autism is that they have a really good photographic memory for everything.

SPEAKER_00 14:06

Yeah, yeah. Um that drink does not count in case you can get to hear it from from me.

SPEAKER_01 14:12

So Thank you, but I I don't count it. I didn't want it. It would it it tasted it tasted too real and I wasn't I I should have questioned it more.

SPEAKER_00 14:22

Can I ask you a couple questions? Yes, please. How has your life changed since becoming alcohol-free?

SPEAKER_01 14:28

I will say it's changed so much. And I I it to the point where it almost it finds I find it almost annoying when I meant when I mention the fact that I like how much like what I'll use like the my my before I quit drinking and my after I quit drinking as like a you know, as like a boundary where I'll be like, well, the since I quit drinking, blah, blah, blah, or that I was drinking back then. And you can kind of see the sort of internal eye roll of the drinker that I'm with, where they're like, there can't be that much of a difference. And I'm sure these are coming from people that clearly didn't drink like I did. And I'm not saying I was a I don't even know why I even qualify this. I think I was a problem drinker. I mean, I drank too much and I drank a lot, and I drank often. Like, and it wasn't like I was missing, I was I was showing up at parent peacher conferences drunk. Like it wasn't like I I never bottomed out in that way. I had, I guess, what you'd call a high bottom in the drinking world, but I was just drinking too much and I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. Whatever. It's like, you know, the total. Um but you know, when people say they can take it or leave it, like, oh, I don't drink that much. I could take it or leave it. It's like, well, then leave it. I mean, if you can really leave it, then leave it. Because so I don't, you know, I think that we have a very complicated relationship with alcohol in this country. And we insert alcohol into so many areas that there shouldn't be alcohol, like baby showers. Like I remember my baby shower. I I had two baby showers. One was with like my like my friends and family, and then I the DJs from Toast and Jam, they all threw me a baby shower. And at that baby shower, they all got whole wasted. All of them. They had we had they had drinking contests of drinking like alcohol through baby bottles, and like, and it was it was really, I mean, it was super fun. It was a really fun baby shower, but I think about how wasted everybody got at my baby shower. Um but okay, so anyway, that's not my question. That wasn't the question. The question was, how has my life changed? So um, you know, when when I when I was going through the program that got me to kind of question my my relationship and ultimately quit, they said that you were gonna lose a lot of friends when you quit drinking. And I was in my late 40s. So it was like, I'm like, how am I gonna lose friends? Like it's not like it's not like I'm going out to the bars and all of a sudden, you know, I'm gonna lose all my drinking buddies. Like I hadn't darkened the doorway of a bar in many years at that point. And you know, I I'm like, I'm not gonna lose friends, but I did. I mean, I lost I lost I lost two of my best friends, actually. And it it's Was it gradual? No. Um no. And I don't think they would necessarily look at it. I kept them talking about this on this podcast, but um, I think the reason why I know the reason why it happened. Um and that's because when I quit drinking and I was doing the work, the shadow work around that, you kind of start thinking about why do you drink? What what and where did your drinking start? Like how what when when did you start drinking? What was happening around the time you were drinking? And this is all coinciding with, you know, all my my conic my chronic pain problems that I had, where I was in, you know, you know, massive, massive, massive amounts of pain for years that um you can go back and listen to the episode I did on my chronic pain, but I'm you know, it w it's mind-body syndrome. It's you know, your your your body when you have trauma in your life, and I think I've had more than the average person's trauma, uh, like when you go back to my childhood and whatever, um it your body when you can't handle it, when you're 10 years old and your father's in your house kicking everybody out and you know, hitting your sibling, and but you know, like there's there's the there's there's shit around that that like you can't process when you're 10. And so your body puts it where it can store it until you're ready to deal.

SPEAKER_02 18:25

Right.

SPEAKER_01 18:25

And I think, and so with me, it was around the time that I had Sebastian, once I had a child, when I brought a human into this world and oh my God, what the fuck have I done? I now have to like, there's a person that has to go through their childhood with me, and I have to not fuck them up. And so I feel like my desire to not fuck them up is gonna be the thing that's gonna fuck them up. Um but um I literally put everything through the lens of how this is gonna be processed in therapy in 20 years. Like I I think about that as if I have any fucking control over it.

SPEAKER_02 18:55

Like you have control over it.

SPEAKER_01 18:58

But one of the things that you kind of uh, you know, anyway, to keep this, to get this back on track, um, you put the pain into your body, and when your body begins to start realizing that it's you're you're in a safe enough mental place to start being able to process it, that's when the pain starts. And so your body is awakening you to like, you need to start processing your w fucked up feelings with you. Like I never thought I had dad issues because my dad was like out of the house by the time I was 10. He was barely there even when he was before. Sure, every time he was there, it was complete and utter chaos and trauma, but it was such a brief amount of my time that I didn't really feel like he really affected me that much. But as it turns out, not true. Not true. Uh and so I had to and I had to, and it took me a long time to even figure that out and then to unravel it from there. I mean, that was my entire chronic pain process. But in all of that, I also realized I was a chronic people pleaser. My codependency was bananas, and I was always trying to absorb when people I was I'm very easy to make fun of. And I and I I and part of it is because I can take it. Like I you can give me shit, I can take it. Like, sure, I, you know, all I people make love making fun of me to my face. I can take it. I can absorb it, and I will pretend you never said it, and I will never defend myself, and I will just allow myself to be the good sport and absorb and absorb the shitty thing that someone just said directly to my fucking face. And uh no, no, no, no, no. I don't need my needs filled. And I, you know, I'm gonna I'm gonna bring all the food because I don't want anybody else to have to have I'm I'm gonna if I don't I'm I'm gonna bring the food or I'm gonna bring the alcohol or I'm gonna bring all the decorations so that I have to be there and therefore I get invited because I have to be there. And I was very like adding value. I would yeah, I was adding value, or I was ha throwing the party so I could get invited to the party, or I would, you know, I absorbed a lot of talking to uh the other people's issues, I could talk about them forever, but if I had a problem, there wasn't reciprocal on that side of things. And I think that and or things would things would pop up that aren't there, they're actively wrong on both sides. And I'm willing to, and and I was willing to to look at them more. Like I was willing to, like instead of just like bearing the fucked up thing that like we both kind of said and like I kind of said a wrong thing, and they kind of said a wrong thing, and I'm I don't under normal circumstances I would have absorbed that and not said anything. But I had to start saying something because it was like, wait a minute, I used to go drink to make this problem, this feeling go away. Like I this feeling of inadequacy or this feeling that taking me advantage of me, or this feeling of like I'm letting things happen that are actively not good for me or even my family. Like it wasn't even just in me that was being affected by this thing. It might be my family or whatever. And I'm letting this my family suffer and me upset, accept messed up things that my friends are doing because I don't want to have to have an uncomfortable conversation. And so I started pushing the more uncomfortable conversations and choosing myself. And when I started doing that, It was like, wait a minute, Mary is usually rolling over. Why is Mary all of a sudden pushing back? Right. And I'm sure that they have different versions of the story, but I also realized that my version of the story also has value. And I used to always think that the other person's side of the story had more value than my side of the story.

SPEAKER_00 22:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:22

And so while there might be fucked up things on both sides, and maybe they're more right than I am, I still have rightness in there. Like I'm not and and I and so it's like the I couldn't absorb it anymore. And and it was interesting how quickly shit turned when I stopped absorbing it and how quickly and easily it was for those people to like kick me out of their lives. And it hurts, still hurts. It some ways it hurts more than like my parents dying, you know. But um because they were supposed to die, you know, you know, like they were supposed to die. So it's like, you know, that sucked. But when you lose friends, it's it's really hard.

SPEAKER_00 23:00

It's really, really hard.

SPEAKER_01 23:01

Yeah. So that is one of the biggest things that happened since I quit drinking. But I will say though, when you get those people out of your life that you realize that were there was a lot of using going on, as much as it hurts to have them gone, it makes more space for the people that don't do that to you. And that's been also a really weird thing because the like, yeah, I mean, you are definitely one of those people. I mean, you know, Ashley, like, I you're actually you are definitely one of those people. Like, I mean, you've come into my life in the last three years, maybe four years. Um, and I would qualify you and my best friends and like Me too!

unknown 23:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:44

And uh Deb. Thank you, Debbie. Thanks, Debbie. I think we've talked about this before, but our friend Debbie who died, who and Debbie dying was actually like a huge part of all of it. You know, Debbie bringing us together without even realizing it.

SPEAKER_02 23:59

Oh no.

SPEAKER_01 24:00

Anyway, this is this this episode has taken a turn. A turn.

SPEAKER_00 24:04

Okay, so I gotta tell you a story.

SPEAKER_01 24:06

Well, about you're quitting drinking too. You you did too.

SPEAKER_00 24:08

Oh, yeah, I quit I quit drinking. I'm coming on four years. And I would say that like the like one, I know when to leave. Two, I know who I can't stand to be around. Um, and also like I just feel like I own my shit. I am like comfortable in my skin. I I know that like sometimes I've got to like pay the toll of like the neighborhood moms and uh actually I don't want to say. What do you mean by that? I don't know. I don't I don't have I don't have the balls to talk about this right now. Got it, got it. So I know that like sometimes like certain social situations are more comfortable for me than others. Like I would actually probably now, because I'm creative like all the time and I'm always creating if I'm awake, um, that sometimes I'd rather stay home and that can be a problem. I would say that like my introvertedness has like really like I've got an introvert boner all the time. So I would say that like for me overall, like my the greatest blessing has been um that like like you know, like you would go out and like maybe you're working on a project or writing something or doing something that was like you're like lit up. You have to go out and then you come home and you crash after drinking, and then maybe the next day you feel like shit. Takes a lot longer to pick up those threads. For me now, I can go out. I leave when I feel like the temperature is right. I come home and I can I can pick up that thread immediately, either that night and or the next morning, whatever. So like my create my creativity is like off the charts and has been. Um and also I'd like to still never well, I don't have regrets.

SPEAKER_01 25:50

Yeah, that's the thing. I don't say anything anymore. Uh I don't say anything anymore where the next day I'm wondering what did I say. It's more like, oh, I said that thing. I I know I said it. Like it's less like, well, I either have to own it or I but I don't have to I have nothing to I guess I have nothing to apologize for anymore. Yeah, I agree. But I also but you said a very interesting thing is knowing when to leave. And to leave. That is something that I can probably tie to your office. You knew it was time to leave your office.

SPEAKER_00 26:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:22

And I did. You know, I also realized that like nothing happens after slightly more than two drinks.

SPEAKER_00 26:28

Like it's it would be except for better karaoke. That is the only thing that gets better with more alcohol.

SPEAKER_01 26:35

Sure. But I but when I'm at a party, if I'm in a if I am in a social situation, I have to leave after the whole group has gotten two drinks in them. Because after two drinks, I'm oh sorry, drinkers, but you're you repeat yourself. That's all you're doing is you went out that night with a story you were gonna tell everyone, and you are telling that story. I literally will hear people telling the exact same story like four or five times throughout the night. If I'm if I'm moving between three different groups of people and I'm always moving, I'm always moving. I'm always like, gotta go to the bathroom, and then I come back and go with another group of people. Um But also just realizing like this party has nothing for me now. Or even it's even within the first hour, if I'm realizing like there's nothing for me at this party, I start adding up, I play the tape forward, and I'm like, if I leave, who's gonna be mad? Oh, no one, really, no one's gonna and that's the other thing I've come to realize when I quit drinking. Fucking no one's thinking about me ever.

SPEAKER_00 27:29

Ever. Ever. Unless they're soon. Only think only I'm living rent-free in their head. But okay, wait, hang on. I have to tell you a story. This is a perfect transition of living rent-free in one's head. So this weekend, I took my kids downtown to go see my friend's daughter play on the DePaul volleyball team. She is a badass, like extraordinary athlete. And so I took my daughter, her friend, and my two boys. And as we're walking through Lincoln Park, I um there's a woman like kind of bending down with her puppy, and she looks up, she's like, Ashley, hi, and says hello. And I was like, Oh my god, I it was someone who had been like in a periphery group of friends for um for like most of my 20s and 30s. So what that means is that we would often see each other out socially, but we weren't necessarily making plans directly. And um, so she's got a puppy, she lives in Lincoln Park, kids are petting the dog. And she goes to me, she goes, I've been following you on social media and you're all over the place. Lost girl. Lost girl? I can't remember what I've said, but I was like, Yeah, life is an adventure or something like that. And then she goes, Yeah, lost girl. Two lost girls.

SPEAKER_02 28:45

And I was like, Had has you ever heard that phrase associated with you before?

SPEAKER_01 28:50

Ne lost girl? I don't know. I mean, I I've had some weird shit said to my face that I could probably repeat. Like along those lines. Did you ask her to extrapolate?

SPEAKER_00 29:01

No, I told her she looked great and I introduced her kids, and then yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:06

And you're like, also we're in Lincoln Park, baby. It's gone, girl. That's where Gillian Flynn lives. I know that because I've been to go on. I didn't know that she lived in Chicago. That's really cool. She lives in a very amazing house in Lincoln Park. I couldn't find it, but I've been there.

SPEAKER_00 29:24

I'm before we talk about Yeah, sorry, Lost Girl.

SPEAKER_01 29:27

Go on.

SPEAKER_00 29:28

Lost Girl.

SPEAKER_01 29:30

Where do you so wait? Where do you know again, where do you know her from? Just socially, just in the same worlds?

SPEAKER_00 29:35

She went to like yeah, basically same world socially in multiple ways. Like she was friends with three different groups of my friends. Okay. And so we triangulated like Did you feel like she was judging you? Did you feel like it was like a absolute like an absolute haven't seen her out socially in in a long time. And I think I ran into her professionally within the last like three years. And certainly have never had a conversation with her. She's never sent me a message being like, What are you up to these days? Never been like, How are you? Things okay over there? You're all over the place. Instead, it was just like smacking me in the face with the judgment. Um You're all over the place.

SPEAKER_01 30:21

Lost girl. Like you're I'm being found. How is that being lost? Like so weird.

SPEAKER_00 30:29

Right? So weird. And like it's sort of the last thing that anyone wants to hear when it comes to like trying to create a new identity and trying to do all the things. Like the la I want to look like I like got my shit together. Or like I've been on a journey. Like, there's no question.

SPEAKER_01 30:47

My life's like, she's reminding you. She's reminding you. You can try and find yourself and you can lead retreats and you can do all this inside spiritual shadow work, but at one point you were lost, girl. And I'm never gonna forget that. I'm never gonna forget a shitty nickname that we never told you about.

SPEAKER_00 31:06

Like, I don't think I but by the way, like, I don't think I was ever lost girl. Um, I think you had to to her. I think she's viewing me today and saying lost girl.

SPEAKER_01 31:18

Like you're lost right now, like you're right, like you're like you're flailing right now, trying to figure everything out.

SPEAKER_00 31:23

I'm flailing, I'm divorced, I've got three kids, I'm walking through Lincoln Park, I'm I'm posting like it was like you're lost right now.

SPEAKER_01 31:33

Not like a miserable piece of shit. What a miserable piece of shit. What a thing, right? I mean, I'm saying mean things about her.

SPEAKER_00 31:41

Maybe she's listening right now to your I mean, maybe I'm maybe I have been taking up space in her living red tree in her brain. And like maybe an uncle. She's so psyched that to you. She's so glad she said lost girl twice to your face. Twice to my face. And then she did say that she was going out with um that night with a guy that I dated, you know, 15 years ago. Oh, yeah. So he's married and they were always good friends. And so I was like, oh my God, does she have like residual leftover like disdain for me for breaking up with this? I don't know if she's married or not. Was she going the guy's married though? The guy's married, and they've been they've been really good friends for a long time. So that's not a good thing. She was just happened to be seeing a mutual health. Happened to be seeing God. Yeah. Wow, what an asshole. Right? Like such a cunty remark.

SPEAKER_01 32:32

Yeah. Like, what the fuck is see, and and the thing is, Dashley, if you were still drinking, what would that do to you? What would somebody saying like you you haven't fixed your life at all? You're still what you're either still lost or you are now lost. First of all, you probably wouldn't be here if you were drinking, but that would that would cause me to drink. If someone said shitty something like that to me, it would go in and out of my head over and over again. And then I would find the quickest way to find someone to go drinking with me. I would have found someone to go get a glass of wine after work, or like, I got this bottle of wine, John, let's demolish it and then maybe another one. Like totally. Yeah, the thing. The self-like, it would have driven me to drink time. Because I would have been like, I why do I deserve that? I probably deserve it. I definitely deserve it. Why do I deserve? Why was I lost, girl? Am I found girl? Was I ever found? I've always been lost. I would have like spiraled out on that. I would have that would have that would have got me going.

SPEAKER_00 33:27

And I wouldn't have Yeah, I mean, like I for sure made a few calls to be like, get this.

SPEAKER_01 33:32

Okay. And did anybody give you any insight?

SPEAKER_00 33:36

No. It was all like, who, what the fuck? Like, there's no way to interpret that as a compliment. I think there's no way to to interpret that as you're doing a good job.

SPEAKER_01 33:46

Ashley, what if you turn Lost Girl into one of your like things you offer? Like you're like, thanks for the business idea, and you turn Lost Girl into like, are you a Lost Girl? Let's make you a found girl. And then all of a sudden it becomes like a positive.

SPEAKER_02 34:02

Or not.

SPEAKER_00 34:03

Sorry, there was a mosquito in my house. Okay. Maybe. But it's also like I I guess that one thing that it makes me feel pretty good is that like in general, like, yeah, of course, I like contemplated her words and the meaning. And what am I doing online? Am I presenting in a way that feels unhinged? Like, okay, I'm curious about that. And so like that entered my mind. But then, like, more than that, I was like, have the wherewithal from doing the work to be like, this has nothing to do with me. Nothing to do with me whatsoever. And also, like, she's not my target audience. She's like, she's living the same life that she was living before. And that's like no judgment. Like she's going to the same bar, she's living in the city. Like, I don't I I I don't I can't speak to her circumstances, and I have no judgment. But to like to look at me and the path that I've walked and then call me lost without ever being like, How are you? I see like so you sold your business, or whatever threads that she knew to Drew on that made me lost. That she could have been like, Oh, you got a divorce. Sorry about that. Or actually, we did retreat. Like, ask one question instead going straight to your life.

SPEAKER_01 35:21

Oh my god, absolutely is just flailing. She's like leaving retreat where people are coming and paying money to be with her.

SPEAKER_00 35:27

And do you think anyone is really signing up? Like all of that.

SPEAKER_01 35:32

Yeah, like I mean, honestly, actually, this is what I go back to the uh I dust off the the good old four agreements. That I mean, those are the, you know, like because here's the thing. It's like when you put all that stuff online, you believe it. You are being perfect with your word. You know, you are you are saying exactly what you're not putting anything out there that you don't actually believe. And so if you're putting everything out there that you actually believe and that you feel is your truth, then you can't take whatever she's saying personally because you don't know anything about where she's at in her life and where she's coming at. You can't make any assumptions about why she's doing it because again, you don't know why she's doing it, but you're doing your best. So if all four of those things are correct, if you're saying exactly what you mean and you don't you you can't take it personally, you can't do assumptions, then you don't make assumptions about why and you're doing your best, then fuck her. It has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with you.

SPEAKER_00 36:26

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 36:27

It really has nothing to do with you. And that's the hardest lesson to learn. It's like if you have, you know, 20 employees in your entire life and you fire fit 10 of them, like and one of them comes back into something shitty, that's on them. I mean, that's them, you know?

SPEAKER_00 36:45

Like, are you speaking from experience, man?

SPEAKER_01 36:47

No, I'm not. But I'm just saying that like it has nothing to do with you. Like, there's something inside of their heart that is making them want to do this. Like, no one else is doing this thing. So, like it it really is all inside of them. And I know that's a really easy way to like cop out and not take us accountability for things, but there's some things and there's some people that are just assholes and they can't be fixed. Or maybe she just needs to quit drinking. I can always kind of chalk everything up to uh maybe they should quit drinking anyway.

SPEAKER_00 37:14

There is a really wonderful spiritual teacher. Um, I don't know if you follow Danielle Laporte, but she's like, she's just like so real and so cool. And she wrote a book and it's called Bless and Release. And honestly, it's like, you know what? Like when things don't make sense, you don't have to make sense out of them. Like for her, bless and release. Goodness, I don't know what I did to her, I don't know what her perception is, I can't control it. You know, but you still wish her so well.

SPEAKER_01 37:49

And she clearly made a decision about you a long time ago that you were a party girl or like I honestly, when you are a fun person, when you're a fun person, I find that people don't take you seriously. They I mean, I'm a fun person and I, you know, I for many years I was floating around, had no idea what the fuck I was doing, but then I found toast then I, you know, started toast and jam and then I had a purpose. But prior to toast and jam when I was I mean, I was 30, so my 20s were spent dicking around at improv and nightclubs. Like it's you know, and I had a lot of friends who were off getting married and having real jobs and having babies, and I'm like, you know, fucking DJing for Obama, whatever. Um bad bitch that you are. Yeah. It's just it's an interesting, it's it's just a different way of living, you know, when you don't make your decisions completely around the stuff that you were told from a very young age that you were supposed to put your stuff around your life around. The people that did the thing that they were that they're supposed to do, you know, getting the office or getting the job or wearing the suit or whatever, like, you know, they're like, well, wait a minute. Like, I and honestly, that's honestly the reason why I feel like Hillary Clinton got so shit on uh in the 90s and why she's never been able to really recover from it was when she said that I'm not the kind of mom that's sitting around put making pies for their kids or whatever. She like made some comment about like how she just wasn't the mom that was like staying at home making cookies for their mom. And was all of a sudden all the women that did stay home and make cookies or did just got a job in the steno pool and didn't want any. I mean, she went to law school, she, you know, was a governor's wife and the president, she's, you know, she's always had to be get her power through other men because they just never let women in those places. And so when she got to those places, she took as much space and power as she could. And all these women were like, why didn't you stay in your fucking lane? I didn't. I didn't I didn't get to do that. I really feel like a lot of the misogyny that's heaped to Hillary Clinton is completely based on the fact that she did more than the average woman was doing at her age, or she was leech latching on to the like second wave feminism that was happening at that time, or was that first wave? I guess second wave, second wave feminism.

SPEAKER_00 39:54

I don't know. Like we could like spend a lot of time analyzing Hillary Clinton and I think that she's I I and and internalized misogyny and all of the things and the way that women are like think that it's necessary to measure one against the other. And like frankly, like I don't do that and I don't care. Like, I'm not looking to compare my life with hers or yours or anyone else's. The only thing that I can do is do what's true for me. The only thing that I can do is like look at you and love the shit out of you for all the choices that you've made. Be like, be in awe of you. I can look at her and be in awe of her and the choice, she looked fabulous. She has an adorable puppy, like she seems happy. Like, great. I love that for you. Literally not happy enough to not call you lost girl to your face twice. Well, I know, but like so, but does that dramatically change my impression of her or and my impression of myself? Not really. I think that it's I don't think it was kind. Um, and you know, at the end of the day though, that's sort of um like I I'm I refuse to tear her down as a result. I mean, have isn't that what we've been doing? Yeah, kind of. But like I'm sharing it with you. Like I don't understand why. I guess I guess the call out is more like, I don't know why she wants to tear me down. Um, but I don't want to tear her down. Yeah. Even if it was like a super cunty thing to say. I mean, if I wasn't grounded would probably make me feel really insecure.

SPEAKER_01 41:30

Yeah, or I mean it it's one of the things also where it's like in a different evolution. Would you been like, what do you mean by that?

SPEAKER_00 41:36

Like, I wish that I had asked that, but like I'm with my three kids. We're late to the game, everyone's got cupcakes. Like, we're holding sweet Mandy B's. There's a puppy. And like, what would have come from that? Me looking at be like, what do you mean?

SPEAKER_01 41:52

So I can be like making her feel uncomfortable so that she has to not that she has to take accountability for the fucked up thing she just said to your face. Or maybe it's really nice. So she's like, I love lost people. Aren't lost people the best? You know, getting found is cool. I don't know. I mean, there's ways to spin it that maybe she's like commenting on the new Phoebe Bridgers record that has this the lead singles called Lost Boys. So maybe she's thinking about you as the lost girl in the Phoebe Bridgers song that finds the lost boy.

SPEAKER_00 42:21

I am a lost boy from Neverland. I love that song, by the way. I know you okay. Um anyway, long of the short of it is like treat people with kindness. Women shouldn't compare each other to each other, and we should just celebrate each other's personal choices and also honor the fact that my god life is fucking hard sometimes. Like I've been through some shit in my life, and I've navigated it with as much grace and love as I possibly can. Um, I don't let that shit define me. Maybe I should. Maybe I should be like, How dare you talk about someone who's been through all that I've been through like this? She's like, she didn't know my story. So I don't need to tell her my story. So asking her what she means by it is like, what? So she can be like, ugh.

SPEAKER_01 43:10

Yeah, whatever. I mean, it is. I mean, you should force people to have to take accountability for the fucked up things they said. That's the reason why we're in this fucking goddamn mess with Trump is that literally no one has ever held him accountable. Can you imagine just failing up your whole fucking life? And every single thing that you have is because you made someone scared instead of like actually like deserving it.

SPEAKER_02 43:31

Like I don't know, man. Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks. I mean you said it. That's I know. Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks.

SPEAKER_00 43:44

You said it, Ann.

SPEAKER_02 43:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 43:47

I'm a poet. Well, actually, you did speak some poetry earlier. I was like, gosh, Mary's like such a linguist. I forget what what you said in my day. It was like, yeah, it was like very nicely worded something or other. But um This is where I you know, my my my lit my lit major. I know big words. Oh yeah, I forgot that we have this in common. That we both know big words. And that we're your English majors.

SPEAKER_01 44:11

Yeah. I wish I could go back to school. I would be so good at school now. But then I was also thinking, like, I would like I kind of would like to get my MBA.

SPEAKER_00 44:20

But I kind of feel like I have my MBA. Can I just advise you strongly fucking against that? You don't you have your MBA. They will not teach you anything new and you will be in an enormous amount of debt. Should I teach? Should I become a teacher? How about this? Keep hosting awesome dance parties because you're really good at it.

SPEAKER_01 44:43

Oh my god. I do need to talk about last Friday, because last Friday I had my first hot flash dance in an unknown market where I didn't know anybody. And I was in Libertyville, which is a suburb that is closer to Wisconsin than it is to Chicago. Like it's pretty, it was pretty far out there. And I just kept driving and driving and driving. I'm like, man, this place is far. And the reason why I was there was that one of my DJs, Todd, who is I love him so much, uh, he books this venue, this weird venue in Libertyville. He he was working out of the office, like he went, he came to the Tozen Jam offices that we have that we were also kind of debating, getting rid of. Um, and uh he was like, I was like, what do you do? And he's like, Oh, I booked this venue. And I'm like, would you have a dance party there? And he's like, Yes. So he this is like an unknown quantity, and I'm like nervous because I don't want to like do wrong by Todd. And I don't want to like, you know, I don't know. Like, I don't know. Like, what is Libertyville full of MAGA? I don't know. Um and so um I get there's a club and it's like the back of a restaurant, and it felt like it was gonna be, I just I had no idea, but it was such a really lovely club. It was lit really nice. The staff was amazing. And we got, I mean, I didn't have a tie, I had like, you know, I th I sold like maybe like a third of it, like a third of the tickets sold. Um not too bad. You know, yeah, over a hundred, over a hundred people, which you know, over a hundred people in a place I've never been to before, going completely off of just, you know, Facebook ads. Like Yeah, a bunch of people showed up and they're night. Yeah. I believe I said over the microphone at the end of the night, I was like, you guys, Lincoln would fucks. Like it, like it fucks. Like Libertyville. Yeah, like it was everybody, they made great requests. I played Wu Tang Clan, which I've gravel pit. I've never played Wu-Tang during a dance set, so that was kind of fun. And um they went bananas. Rika was doing my videos and she did a really great job. And we had we brought a CO2 canon and we sprayed everybody with crazy phone. It was great. It was a fun time. And so I've proved that I can go somewhere where no one knows me and I can still do a good job. The the sound guy, when he got there, he's like, just so you know, I'm not a fan of music. And I'm like, okay. Like, wait, what a we why are you a sound guy? Yeah, and he's like, I just he's like, I mean, I like I'm just good at making it sound good. And I'm like, okay. Um, and he was like, you better not go into the red. Like he was like giving me like tech, you know, like issues. I'm like, that's you're on you, fucker. Like, like if I go into the red, it's sort of your fault. Uh, but I really did watch my levels, so my levels were like perfect all night long. Halfway through the night, he came up to me. He's like, Um, by the way, you're fantastic. And I was like, and I was like Isn't it nice to be validated by a troll? And I was like, I go, high praise from someone who doesn't like music. Seriously. And he goes, I didn't say I don't like music, I just said I'm not a fan of music. And I'm like, I don't even, I can't even. What is it? What is the distinction? I think it's a difference between like you and me flying to Paris to go see Taylor Swift and him being okay with me, my sick transition between, you know, somber and Robert Palmer. I don't know. I I was it was really fun though. I played a lot of really weird stuff. That's what I love is I have I have no I have no uh no nor form nor formula for it now, but I am I which I think is probably the reason why it's successful is because I'm just reading that room and giving the peeps what they want. Unfortunately I don't have another one until November, but you know, where's the one in November?

SPEAKER_02 48:28

At Robert's West Side in Forest Park.

SPEAKER_01 48:31

What day? Right close to you. Right close to you. Close-ish. So we are close-ish. So we are at an hour. Actually, we wasted another hour of people's lives. Thanks for being folks. Or did we did we bring it their light to their light?

SPEAKER_00 48:45

Wait, you didn't say you didn't say what date for the November one? November 21st. Okay, what a lovely date. Anyway, I love you. Have a good day.

SPEAKER_01 48:55

Uh thanks, Ashley. Thanks for being my friend. Bye. Thanks for being my friend. Thanks for listening to All of In My Lady Business with me, Mary Macy. Uh, we'd love for you to like, review, subscribe, follow us at All of My Lady Business on the gram. And if you're a female identifying person and you want to dance, you can follow. I mean, everybody can follow it. But if you want to be a part of the magic at hot flosh dance party, sign up for the mail to find out where our next party's gonna be. And if you are looking for a DJ hotland area or anywhere else, you know, money's the same color everywhere. Buy us out. Tokenjampjays.com has the best. And listen to my radio show. I have a radio show on Chirp Radio at chirpradio.org. That's Mondays, every Monday from 12 to 12 M C S T. Today's episode is produced by Shiraz Data theme song, composed and performed by You guessed it, Shiraz Data. Alright, guys, peace out.