The Matriarchy is Already Here With Ashley Logan

SPEAKER_00 0:14

My business is your business. It's all ofin my lady business with me. Very easy.

SPEAKER_01 0:31

Hey guys. Hey Ashley. Welcome back to All Within My Lady Business for today. Whatever today's date is. Do we even care about the date? I'm having a day, Ashley, where every single thing that I'm doing, um, I'm doing wrong. So yeah, yeah. I mean, I I was just late for this. In my mind, it was at four o'clock, but that's when I have acupuncture. Uh, and I've I assigned things to different times. I thought this, I thought a meeting I was having at 11:30 was the one I was having at two, and then I still thought we were at 43 at 4 o'clock. So I had two things going on at 4 o'clock, and um it was supposed to be you and anyway. I'm sorry, Ashley. My brain. Do we need to talk about neurodivergence today? We could try. My own ADHD or whatever I, you know, my therapist actually doesn't think I have ADHD.

SPEAKER_03 1:26

I have a theory about ADHD. Right now, with all of the content that I'm seeing around paramenopause, there's also a lot of things about like late diagnosed ADHD, particularly in women. And I was just diagnosed um recently. It was someone, something that I kind of knew that maybe I had and that my brain worked a little bit differently than other people's. And it was like really validating in some respects to get that diagnosis. But then I started to think about it as I'm talking to more and more women. And I actually think that um in some cases, ADHD is just fucking burnout.

SPEAKER_01 2:07

I don't think you're wrong. I think that every woman I know thinks that they've got ADHD. And I I did like when I the doctor that's that diagnosed me actually is ADD, which whatever that is, um, how whatever that's ever different from the ADHD. I don't know at all. ADD. Yeah, they're all the same thing. Um I uh I mean, I do think you're right. I do think the ADHD is burnout, and they are they're just so overwhelmed that they can't deal. Um, but I have to, the hormones of it all are so much a part of it. Like, I I I can't stress it enough, and it changes all the fucking time. I had my hot flashes completely under control. I have the things I the lengths I have gone to control my hot flashes have been labyrinthine. It is like, and it seems like every single time I solve it and I'm good and I have like a three solid months of like not smelling like my mother, and then something I will eat like a potato and it'll throw off my fucking pH, and then all of a sudden I'm just gushing. And I and I I hate it. I I want they're so awful.

SPEAKER_03 3:16

I am not at hot flash stage in paramenopause, and I feel for you. I have I have hot flash danced with you, but I have not, um, I don't know what the hot flash is. But like I think the mental fog and those pieces are like are certainly present. And I I have curiosities around it. Like, are we so overfunctioning? Are we surge so much information? Like if you scroll through your phone, like you go like okay, child brides in Afghanistan, then all of then the state of the world, climate change, smoke, the Northstrom anniversary sale. And it's like, what in the fuck? Like the amount of mental shifts that have to take place, and then like we're expected to go interact with the world with a thousand mental tabs in our head. Not to mention, like, do I look young enough? Am I still okay? Like, am how am I showing up as a woman in the world? How am I showing up as a mother? Like, no wonder we're all like system override reboot.

SPEAKER_01 4:20

Well, and it's also imp like I I used to be able to like be writing an email and we want to reference like some poem or something, and I could go online, find the poem, find the line, come back, and then keep writing the thing. But now it's like you get to the website, you got to accept the cookies, and then you're like, wait, should I accept them or should I reject them? And then so you so you so you clear you you get through that ordeal and then you get into the thing, and then it's like, hey girl, let's talk about poetry. And then there's like a soliloquy about the poem, and then you know, it's like this you you can't, it takes forever to even get to the information. By the time you get to it, you're on to something else. And I, you know, when you try to go like clean out your inbox, and it's like while I'm cleaning up my inbox, I'm getting 15 emails from, you know, political campaigns and chewy, and you know, and it's like I can't, and then I want to delete it because then it looks like I've got something else to do. Like, and then I and then I just went up cleaning up my inbox and not even like doing the thing I set out to do in the first place. And I it's bananas. And it's too hard to like, and you can't turn it off, you can't opt out. And I think that's also part of the ADHD of it all, is that like the way that the world is operating now, like even if you wanted to like clear up the gunk and just sort of like, you know, go Ludite for a couple of weeks, you can't. It's impossible. You have to download an app to get a fucking parking spot. You have to, and I don't know how old people deal with that. And I'm not making myself an old person, even though I can't control my compute my calendar.

SPEAKER_03 5:47

This all tracks and resonates. And I think we're gonna be seeing a lot more of this. Like, what are the impacts of switching from things like thing to thing to thing to thing to having to have mastery when it comes to all sorts of digital elements? And what we're losing more than anything is the ability to be present. And I think it's changing our brains. And the number one gift that I think that anyone can give someone is their presence. But like, like my watch just now, it just sent me a notification. Fuck you, watch. I'm here with Mary right now, trying to have a conversation. And it's like, so we're just constantly being reminded of all of the things that we have to do, all of the things that, and so like, and here's like some like fucking empath boundary shit that I'm dealing with. I started to unsubscribe to things and I felt guilty. I'm like, I'm crushing someone's dreams by like opt out of their marketing text. I and it's like, will they, will they know, will they see that I said no to this? Will they like, especially if it's someone that like I have some periphery connection to and I feel guilty. So, like, what the what does that say about boundaries?

SPEAKER_01 6:56

So, like the people who are warned, make make better content. Make better content, and maybe you won't you you won't unsubscribe, but go on. And that's so hard too.

SPEAKER_02 7:06

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 7:07

Then don't make the content. I feel like we all are like I when I started Toast and Jam, there was no social media, it did not exist. And then uh my I had success, like my I did, I had to make my success without the internet really at all. And so I did that. And then I did not care about social media because I'm like, I don't need this. I my business makes money without me like having to put anything into social media. And I didn't have a consistent social media person until 2020, like halfway through 2020, where I needed it to like, I needed someone to deal so they could talk about COVID stuff in relation to wedding things that I couldn't get out there. But I don't have it, it's not in my like that's why I hired how I hired you in the first place. I hired you in the first place to do my social media and uh and look at us now. Yeah, look at us now. And uh I just think that it you have to have it. You can't not have it. And you can't not be on the internet for three weeks and expect your life to still be functioning in the way that it should be functioning.

SPEAKER_03 8:13

Well, I think that I I'm gonna interject there. I don't know that that's totally true because I've never tried it. But I think that people who do take breaks from social media and or at least like even limit their interaction with it, like there's apps that can regulate your amount of hours and time on it. I think that those are helpful and have utility. I think the hard part of that is when you are trying to make an impact in the world, trying to be offline is very, very, very difficult unless you have someone who can, you know, manage all of the content posting and like all of the logistics of being connected.

SPEAKER_01 8:48

And you have to have it because it's like the background check on the business. Like I know that I mean, I think it's actually a mistake when there's people that their entire like financial fee, like they'll they only make money off of Instagram sales because you know, I like so love to be that person though. I mean, it would be very cool. It would be very cool to have an income that was just based on just a never-ending stream of Instagram sales. But if Instagram changes the algorithm, all of a sudden your entire pipeline is just gone. I'm big, I'm a big fan.

SPEAKER_03 9:16

Let's let's all right, let's do something though. I that I think is really important. Let's come back to like, okay, so what does it mean when you're like digitally overwhelmed? And it's like my kids will yell at me for being on my phone when I'm like, I'm setting up a play date. I'm doing that. They don't know the difference between me scrolling or being on YouTube, like the way that they think that I'm being on a screen versus like what I'm actually doing. And so either way, it's like breaking the connection to presence. And it impacts the people you're around. Like, like, how does it feel when someone pulls out their phone when you're having a conversation with them? It feels shitty, yet we still do it. Yeah. And then, like, not to mention the fact that it's like really fucking with our ability to make an impact in the world because we're so inundated with messaging that it's hard to like know how to feel, how to show up, how to do all the things. And it's it's really unsettling at the end of the day.

SPEAKER_01 10:16

Can I ask you a question? Do you do you feel like you are always supposed to be doing something, but it's not the thing you're presently doing? Like I always feel like there's something else I should be doing. Like, you know, like I and I'm doing, you know, like even if I'm doing something important, like making dinner or something, I'm like, I should be like, you know, trying to get more people to come to my next hot flash dance, or I should be, you know, I I'm I never I I always do that. Do you do that?

SPEAKER_03 10:44

I'm working on getting better at it. The the big part of that has this has been like my detox over the last year of like trying to get back into presence, trying to set more things down and trying to get really focused on what matters so my brain can be in the same place as my like mind, body, soul connection. And trying to like check that when I'm feeling pulled to okay, pull out my phone and realize like, no, there's no one who needs me right in this moment. And it's made a big difference in just like my overall mental health and trying to like be like, okay, no, like that can wait. And granted, like I got so much shit that I need to be promoting or things I need to do and all of that. But trying to just like I think this is gonna be like our biggest human exercise right now is presence, like getting your mind and body in one spot so that you're not like burning so much extra energy. No, trying to faces.

SPEAKER_01 11:42

You're totally right. And I don't know how to do that. And I like my therapist literally said, maybe you need an executive functioning coach. And I'm like paying another person to like help me figure out my life. I'm like, no, thank you. There's already the team I have on payroll is insane between the therapy and the acupuncture and you know, weed. You know, there's so many things I have to buy to make myself feel okay. I mean, don't let go of the weed. I might have to. I feel like it's unfortunately, I feel like it's just like, whatever. Anyway, let's not talk about my my drug problem. Uh let's talk about the ADHD. So going back to your diagnosis that you said you had, how did you get it?

SPEAKER_03 12:28

Um, after my therapist, um, we've been working together for a long time. And so she sees like kind of the just the function of my brain and um, which I also want to mention, like women's mental health changes throughout their 28-day cycle. So like we don't talk about that enough. So that's something that's important. Um, ultimately I I went to a psychiatrist and talked to her about, you know, how I live my life and the functions and the switches and yada yada. And she's like, yeah, ADHD. That's great. Okay, so you didn't do like a you didn't, she didn't like you didn't do like a like a test or something or whatever. No, I know I didn't think it was all written right there on the wall. So did you get on medication? So actually, this is something worth noting and worth talking about, I think. Um so what ended up happening is because at this time in my life there were so many different things going on, and I was like in a major, major transition. They're like, okay, you've got some like high functioning anxiety and ADHD. And so let's try to do this all in one medication. So they actually put me on well butrin. I'm on that. Um and so here's an important thing. Um, it fucked me up. And I don't think that I would have known that that was the cause unless I had done the work to like really connect my mind and body. And it actually took me like I was probably on it for like 45, 60 days. And what I started to notice is that like the voice in my head, like the inner critic, got super loud and really, really, really present about all the things I was doing wrong and the self-loathing. And I even like talked to my therapist about it. I'm like, I fucking hate myself right now. Like, God, why do I talk to myself this way? And noticing that like I didn't feel as like amped up to go get things done and motivated. And like I'm kind of someone who like I thrive really well when I have chaos or like fear-based, like it's like, oh shit, this is happening now, time to go. And um, and then I was like, oh my God, it's the well butron. And I went back to the psychiatrist and I was like, yeah, this ain't it. And she's like, okay, well, we can increase the dose. And I was like, no, I'm getting the fuck off of this. Let's try something else. And she shifted me to a really um low dose of Adderall with time release that has been helpful. And literally, I feel like I like I feel like I lost two months of my life in not just productivity, but presence. And I don't regret it, but like so many warning flags for me about how medication is used and how you could go down the path of like, okay, so you're on one medicine and then they prescribe something else to fix the symptoms that have come up from being on it and a rabbit hole. And I know myself well enough, and I've done a lot of work to be like, wait, this isn't it. This isn't solving a problem. I don't even identify as anxious. I'm just like, I'm wound a little tight, but that's how I get through life. I'm also very connected to my body, I'm also very self-aware. And so I stopped it. And but I imagine that so many I didn't stop the Adderall. The Adderall is helpful. Um but I did stop the well butrin. And I feel like like when it comes to like pharma and all these things that like if you don't have presence and many people don't, that it becomes a slippery slope of like one drug path after the next that can like without you knowing, really fuck you up.

SPEAKER_01 16:00

It's like when you're watching network television and every single ad is for uh pharmaceutical, like some kind of drug, like, you know, uh, you know, rebelsis and you know, cymbalta and all the things that it's and it's always really weird symptoms. It's like if you've got plaque psoriasis with uh with you know mild antihistamine uh, you know, allergies, you know, you take cymbalta or whatever. And I feel like it's just it's like whack-a-molling all these weird symptoms that are all like like comorbidities with like bigger problems. And so it's like, like, yeah, I've got restless legs sometimes. Sometimes my legs are kind of wiggly when I'm sleeping or whatever. Am I gonna go take restless leg syndrome medication? Like, no, I think I just drink coffee too late in the day. But I think a lot of people just house coffee late in the day. They have their restless legs, and they're like, I probably have restless leg syndrome. And people love their maladies. People love having a problem that they can, you know, point at and say, look, this is why I have to take 14 medications, is because I've got all these problems and I've got a solution.

SPEAKER_03 17:04

Thanks, big. 100%. Yeah. It's pretty wild. And so I think that like that ultimately my yoga therapist, Laura Jane.

SPEAKER_01 17:17

You have a you have a your yoga therapist and a regular therapist? Yeah. Or your regular therapist is a yoga therapist. Mm-mm. Did they talk you through, or are they like, this is how you get into Berta Paradise? You can do it.

SPEAKER_03 17:27

You need to conquer your fears of, you know, failure in order to become be able to do, you know, and the yoga therapist is amazing because what we're like, it's all about mind-body connection. And so, like, what like I'll come in, I'll let her know what's going on, and then she'll give me a flow to use for the you know coming weeks or months, something to like, what's my routine that's gonna help me be more present? What's my routine that's gonna help me to stay connected to my body? And like I get a whole fucking team of people who help keep this ship afloat. And so, like, when someone says you should hire an executive function coach, it's really to me not that. It's more about like, how do you stay connected to your body? So you know when you start to like spiral and when you know that you've got too much on your place, like those, those signs and symptoms of, hey, I am doing the dishes right now, but I'm not fucking here right now. How do I, what tools do I use to become here right now so that I can like be present and be more joyful and be more than a lot of people. Not even really.

SPEAKER_01 18:35

But like, how do you even realize it? It's like, how do you recognize that you're not there? Because you're already somewhere else. And I feel like that's always the the bigger problem is like, I will, I will at the end of the day, I'll be like, I didn't actually do any of the things I was doing all day long. Like I just was thinking about someone who's pissing me off or another people who's pissing me off. A lot of people are angering me. Um, and uh and I don't even know how to be present sometimes. And I think that a lot of people definitely probably are going through that. I mean, I I and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that the world is literally right now burning down. Like we are in a c I mean, there was a rainstorm yesterday that like took down or two days ago that took down like a ton of trees where I live. There's I just spent like an hour picking up branches around my yard. Like, that's here. France is on fire, Spain's on fire, England's on fire. Like, I don't know. Glen Hansard's dead.

SPEAKER_03 19:35

Glenn Hansard died? Yeah. What okay? Can I tell you something really wild? Yes. Last night around 10 p.m., I was coming inside from letting the dog out and falling slowly came into my mind. And I like sat with that song and I wondered about Glenn Hansard, and I woke up this morning and found out that like really right around that time, he'd been killed in a motorcycle accident in Dublin.

SPEAKER_01 20:02

Probably because it was too hot. Sorry, too soon. Uh, that is terrible. That is terrible. I know my god, that's really crazy. That I love that song. I love that movie once, great movie. The movie, that whole song. But to go, but I feel like, you know, I I've been thinking about how if we were watching a movie of what's happening in our lives, like I I saw this as a meme once that was like, you know, if you ever are getting like you're ever like feeling crazy or whatever, to just think about if if what was happening in your life was a movie, what would the audience be screaming at the at the screen right now? And it's a really interesting exercise to go through. Um, but I think about it in terms of just the climate disaster. Like if they were showing a montage of everything that happened in the last month, you would think that the world was about to end. And I think we're also, I think part of the ADHD and the cognitive dissonance of it all is that people can't handle the fact that they're gonna have to change their lives in order to be able to live on this planet going forward. We can't keep the conveniences up that are happening. And I think that we are all like, you know, between Trump and climate and Ukraine and all of there's there's so much, you know, Lindsay Graham dying and is Michael dead, and all these, you know, all these things that are kind of happening, bombarding us while the weather is being it's never just raining. It's always like the worst rain that's ever happened. Uh and I don't think that we can really I don't I think we take it we take a not for granted, but I think we m diminish like what the world's uh behavior is has on our own personal being. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 21:49

I had a I had a conversation a couple months ago that really shifted things for me in terms of like being able to digest all of it. And it was basically about shifting your perspective to just the people you know. There's not six billion people, seven billion people in the world. There are 5,000, like how many people you know? And that that is how the basis needs to function of how you live your life. Like what's directly within reach, what's directly within your control. So if you are someone who is really concerned about like people being fed and having food to eat, great, what are you doing to make sure that those 5,000 people have food to eat, to make sure that you are someone who someone can count on to know if they are hungry or alone or X or Y or Z? Because the sooner that we start um bringing it back to what is within our own reach and our own control, then we can actually cultivate change. Things stop being out of reach, things start being an action plan, a compass for how you can live your own life. But when you are overwhelmed by things like, okay, there's a KKK marching through the street in Nashville. And it's like, oh my God, that's happening. Well, okay, but is it happening on your street? And I'm not saying to be disillusioned by the conditions of the world, but to take your lived experiences as what's within your control and what's not. Okay, so the KKK is not marching down your street right now. Cool. Take that off your worry list. So what can you do to make friends with your neighbor? What can you do to make sure that they feel taken care of? What can you make sure, what can you do to make sure that you're leading with the values that we're screaming from the rooftops are so important. And that goes to your point too about like, okay, climate change, like, yeah, we need to change the way that we're living our lives. Many people are afraid of that. Many people don't know how. And I think this comes back to burnout. And this is something I think we touched on last time a little bit. And it's like, if you are too at capacity to have space to think about how you're going to do the party favors for your kid's birthday party, what you end up doing is the night before or two days before, going on Amazon, buying some junk fucking shit and like putting it together from the resources that are available. But if you had a little bit more space, a little less burnout, you could be like, oh, do I actually even want party favors? What can I do instead? I'm gonna bake some cookies. I'm gonna put them at like XYZ. Like your choices get to change when you're operating with like at half, and I'm finding out, Mary, the this is a fucked up thing. I was operating like, you know, I had 30 employees, three young kids, all of the things. Like go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Like, and and I would take on more. And what I am learning as I take things off my plate is that I need to be at like 50% capacity to even just show up as a decent person in the world. So I can have the moment. Now. Now you're you're you're incapable of that kind of capacity, is what you're saying. No, no. What I'm saying is that that my target now is to be at 50% of what I used to think I could do. And saying, which is wild, because wait, just hear me out one more second. And then is like when you run into the person at the grocery store who's in need, can you stay for 10 extra minutes and have that conversation? Or are you looking at your watch because you've got to be somewhere else? And if we don't have any capacity to like show up for each other, how are we doing?

SPEAKER_01 25:32

Well, I mean, I I mean, I guess to that end, it's like, what do you do? You know, like I think, I mean, it took me until like three months ago for me to even realize that I was burnt out. Like, I mean, I was I was an empty well. I am an empty well. I'm presently an empty well. And it's and it's it's so real. And I, instead of me recognizing I had burnout, I was recognizing I was just thought I was a piece of shit that like, you know, I can't get anything done and everybody hates me and I should go eat worms. And, you know, and it's it's it sucks how like I hinge so much of my identity on being this person who can overproduce. I have based my entire personality and my values and my worth on what I can produce for other people. And I became unable to do that and then felt awful about myself and then felt like I was letting everybody else down.

SPEAKER_03 26:30

Yeah. Enter the thought that you have ADD instead of just like, I'm fucking burnt out, I'm at capacity and I can't keep living like this. So what do you do? Um, well, a lot of things. And it's really, it's hard and it's a long-term process. But first, it's like about taking inventory of the things in your life. And like, how did you how did you do that? Did you do that? Yeah, I did that. I started by figuring out like what was mine, what was true for me, because I was really tired of living by like a column of shoulds. I wanted to live by a column of yeses. And so what that looked like was I had to, I was so like so fucked. I couldn't tell my ass from my elbow. I had to ask myself, like, okay, do I want pizza? And if it was like, and find out like, what did a yes feel like in my body and what did a no feel like in my body? And then do like try to follow the yes. And if I had to follow the no, at least do it with awareness. Like, I don't really want to be doing this right now. So next time I'm gonna say no. And starting to take out all of the things in your life that feel like a like a no when you're doing them. So when you have lunch with a person who makes you feel like I'm dreading having lunch with that person, like canceling it when and starting to just remove the things that your body is naturally indicating to you are not for you. And then, and then like layer two is when you say yes to something asking why. Is this because I want to, or is this because I think I should, or is this because someone else wants me to? I struggle with that one.

SPEAKER_01 28:07

I I hear you what you're saying. I keep the my first thought I had, because I I'm a I can't not think this, is like how many yeses in our lives are based on uh patriarchy and you know, like if like if there are some women I think that if they were all of a sudden being like, I don't want to make dinner anymore, like I hate making dinner, and they just stopped making dinner, that that would be okay in their house. Like that would, it would require like a long road to get to the point where they didn't have to make dinner anymore. You know, and it's like I I wonder how many people could even fake even realize they can say yes or no to things. Like, how did you do it? What's an example of something that you got rid of that wasn't that was that wasn't a yes? Like my entire life, pretty much. Like oh, wait, that's right. You did get divorced and you did sell your business.

SPEAKER_03 29:05

Well, you got you got rid of a lot of shoulds. I got rid of a lot of shoulds. I got rid of a lot of things. And but also I think that I don't that's not the recommendation that I have for people. Like I think that when you're so at capacity, things fall apart. And so getting ahead of burnout, like exactly the place that you said that you were in right now, is like that it, like you thought you were failing before you realized that no, you were just like at max capacity. So some of the things that I started saying no to were like one, like things I didn't want to do, volunteer things, things at the school, getting together with people, like socially, and like those those things that are like, okay, I feel like I should do this, but made you feel guilty for for no reason, signing up my kids for certain things, having their calendars packed. So I I really led with like all of the spots that my life were being was being filled with that was within my control outside of work. And then when it came to like work, like a client that was gonna pay a lot of money but wasn't aligned with me, starting to say no to it because I realized too much over time that when I would say yes to those things, it would end catastrophically. Like it would end with me feeling worse. And so I think that like the best first step is figuring out like what's true for you, being really radically honest with it, and then following it. Because we take as women, like we're so in our masculine energy where we're taking ownership of everyone else's feelings. And it's not fair and it's not healthy. So if okay, so say the person who's like, I don't want to cook dinner anymore, and she's really worried about her husband's response to that. Well, he's a grown-ass man. So you're trying to control his response to your behavior. And instead, maybe he has the secret desire to become a chef. Like maybe he's got the secret desire to like whatever. Maybe he's like been trying to find a way to lighten the load, but the woman is doing all the things and wants it done a certain way, and then he can't step in. That's not a great example, but it's like it's just something to like start to think about when you're a great example. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:17

I think it's a great example because I think, I mean, I think there's a lot of guys that are sitting at a desk right now that would be way better at being a gardener. Like, you know, like I would love hands. Yeah. I mean, I I know, I mean, I know I don't do well behind a desk. And I I would rather be out doing things like physically. Like I'd be rather be digging ditches than sitting at a desk answering phones. Right.

SPEAKER_03 31:40

And like also when you start to like get really comfortable with like what starts to feel like that pressure test of like, uh, this deal's too much. What needs to go? That's also the opportunity to ask for help. And like as women, we're so excited about helping other people and never ask for help. So aren't we like robbing the ability for someone to show up for us? If I called you and I was like, Mary, I got this big problem, I need you right now. Wouldn't you be like, oh my God, me right now? Yeah. I drop it and I mean I do it, I do it, I drop anything for you, even if it wasn't even that big. Like I mean, likewise. And so that's how we live in reciprocity. Like that's that's the matriarchy. And like I had this thought, and this is wild. The matriarchy is actually here. We just have to choose it. Women have more power economically, more power spending-wise, more power than we've ever had before. You just have to choose it.

SPEAKER_01 32:42

I think we also need to get into the places where people are making decisions. I mean, I think that's I mean, that's the biggest problem is that, you know, like if you're not on the t you know, if you're not at the table, you're on the menu. You know, like it's I I don't know how we unravel this. I mean, I I agree, women have more power than they ever have. I mean, when people are like, my grandma stayed with my grandpa, and it's like, well, she couldn't get a credit card until 1973, buddy. Like she couldn't leave. Right. And, you know, so that's a bad example. I mean, and so I don't know. I um No, but like think about it.

SPEAKER_03 33:15

Let's unpack this a little bit. Like, what okay, so yeah, we need to be in the places where decisions are made. Cool. Great. So what if the what if there's no women who show up for work? And so like one day we decide, nope, we're not gonna do that anymore. Think about the the collapse of that whatever happens from there. Or women decide that, you know what, I'm actually not going to shop on Amazon anymore. That's me. Yeah. And so like we get to make those choices in our daily life. We get to choose. Actually, you know what? It feels like shit to put to come home to pick up my kid from a birthday party and have a goodie bag full of garbage that I'm gonna throw out. So then why am I going to then do the same thing to the next mom for no reason? We have a choice not to do that anymore. So it's like, those are the little things. Those are the tiny choices that we get to make that change the way that we live life and what's most important to us. So then our kids, then when they have uh kids later on, they're like, no, we didn't do party favors. My mom made cookies. My dad made cookies even better.

SPEAKER_01 34:23

Mm-hmm. Yeah. And I think that it, I mean, but I think that also requires a uh, you know, just the men having the permission to feel like they can do things like that, you know. Like I I think that I mean, the patriarchy hurt helps no one, you know. And I it's I would love for people to recognize that they have those options.

SPEAKER_03 34:44

I mean, and I'm gonna kick this back even further. Okay, so what if our death grip, women's death grip on doing it all, is actually preventing men from being able to rise into their truest expression. Bingo, wow, that's yeah, that's that's some real talk right there. Yeah, no honey, I'm not gonna make dinner tonight.

SPEAKER_01 35:09

Figure it out. Well, but then the way they figure it out is by you know, dumping a box of mac and cheese in and cutting up some hot dogs in it, which is delicious, but not food.

SPEAKER_03 35:21

And you know what I mean? It's like then that's feedback that's negative, and that's all those things. It's like they'll figure it out. Okay, here are the basic food groups to work with. Cool, you got this? I love what you did tonight for dinner. Thank you. You know what would be really great is some vegetables. And you can get the frozen kind, and they take a few minutes to make and the kids like them. Put some cheese on them. You know, like I I just I think that so much of this is like is women stepping into their full expression, stepping out of burnout is about setting down the load and realizing like you don't need to have a death grip on life anymore, and it's all gonna be okay. And then that, like, sure, it doesn't happen overnight that then all of a sudden the like a gourmet dinner is on the table, but it gives someone space to figure it out.

SPEAKER_01 36:11

Mm-hmm. Yeah. I mean, I it's it's one of those things that sounds really simple, but it's the it's putting it into action and also not having to manage so many negative reactions around those things. I mean, if I, you know, and so I like I don't even know how to, I don't even know what I'm even burnout from. And I think that's also like part of the equation as well, is like, what what is the thing? Is it mean you just stop doing it? Like, is it mean that you I don't know. Like, I know I guess you're kind of giving me answers and I'm not really hearing them because I want to not believe that I have power.

SPEAKER_03 36:49

You have so much power. You have so much power. You're giving the patriarchy power by saying it has power over you when actually, like, yeah, it does. It's our current system, maybe. But like, you are the one who decided that your self-worth was based on production. How do you undecide that? What's a gold star from Mary Nisi look like? And what does it get replaced with? How about this? A gold star at the end of the day, what feels really good? That you've fucked your husband, your kid is fed, and you just jarred some honey from your beehive. What if that's it?

SPEAKER_01 37:27

If that was my conversation.

unknown 37:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:30

Imagine if that was every day of my life. Do you know how much honey everybody would have? By the way, I've got so much honey this year. I just, I just checked. I've got like it at least three supers, possibly four. So honey up in this piece.

SPEAKER_03 37:44

And so, like, what is honey the euphemism for? Like, let's let's go down that path. Like, what days do you have that feel the best for you in your body? Like having lunch with a friend, doing a little bit of work, doing whatever, and then recreating that. And then, like, when you are doing that and having those days at the end of the day, like being like, yeah, I did that. And that was awesome. And it felt amazing. And life's good, and I'm gonna do it again tomorrow. And if I have a task to do, I'm gonna do the task and I'm gonna keep it to something that's manageable and and start to like gradually take down the things that are like, what's stressing you out right now? Okay, all of these things that are outside of your control that you've seen online that piss you off. Yeah, me too. It's like, what if you didn't go online?

SPEAKER_01 38:30

Yeah. What if? Or I mean when I go online, all I'm doing is just doom scrolling. It's not like I'm doing anything of value when I go on there, you know? Like it's not, I'm not, I don't post anything. I that's the thing. It's like I've I have these like dumb moral like lines in the sand where, you know, it's like, uh, but I don't know, like I like, well, after the inauguration, I probably mentioned this before, but I did, I I canceled my Amazon um subscription. And it drives and so it's like we I haven't had Amazon for two years almost, and it has it has not affected my life at all.

SPEAKER_03 39:05

God badass. Like I know my God, you let go of one convenience and it didn't change anything.

SPEAKER_01 39:10

That's fucking dope. Except for Sebastian's very mad because he can't watch beast games. And I'm like, I think that actually uh saved our us all from that. Um but that that's the only thing is that Sebastian's mad he can't watch some some TV shows. Um I haven't been to Target. I've I've been to Target this year. I haven't been to Target in 2026. Like I don't know how I pulled that off, but I don't know. It's just I think that I had to I had to kind of reassess like how much do I need to shop? How much do I need it now? And um, and I think that that's I mean, not giving the the oligarchy money is probably the number one way to try to make them make them go away.

SPEAKER_03 39:49

But I love that. Like you aren't powerless, you do have power to do those things. And so it's like, okay, good. So like you found a way to be at peace as a consumer without those tools. That's amazing. Great. Now what? What else? Like, what else is on the list that's that's stressing you out? Like, like today, if you look at your day, what was on your what was on your mind and what was taking up space? And then like, how can you, as Danielle Laporte says, like, bless and release it? Cool. I can't control this because I don't, they're not one of the people who I know. This is not something that is actually within my control. I bless and release it and I'm not losing sight of it. I'm not indifferent, but I cannot let it change my day. Like, okay, my ex-husband was a very, very, very, very, very big sports fan. And so, like, some sports fans, I learned, will let the outcome of a game or a team or a season impact their entire day and or their week or whatever, um, their whole mood. And that is like, wow, holy shit. I I hate that something, but not within your control that doesn't ultimately make a difference in your life, then impacting the way you show up in the world. But like, that's also the way we obser absorb news and social media stuff that's like outside of our control, uh, have no say in the outcome, and it's impacting our entire day.

SPEAKER_01 41:19

Wow. Wow. That's some real fucking talk there, Ashley. Because I there's because it's true. Like, I mean, not my husband, but like there are people in my life where, well, now he used to be like this about college football, that where it would impact their whole day. And it's one of those things where it's narcissistic. It is, it makes everybody else have to have to basically because that game loss is actually like, you know, his his unprocessed feelings about his parents' divorce. And, you know, like that, I mean, that's where they're putting their emotions. The reason why they get so bogged down in a sports score and how they played or whatever, it's I mean, they're just putting their emotions in a weird, in a place where it feels safe enough to be able to express them. He can be angry about the Bears losing the game, but he can't be angry as dad didn't hug him enough and talk about it and think about it. I mean, like, that's a whole nother thread, too. But I also think there's actually the a side side note, there's a The Lonely Island and Seth Meyer's podcast, my favorite podcast. Um, they go through and review, like, or they go back and recap all of the digital shorts they did. And they did one called I Like Sports. And uh and it's it it's they mentioned that it's like the game's gonna uh, you know, I like they're gonna lose the game and it's gonna make me mean for the rest of the night. And it was like, wow, I can't believe that like men even realize they did that. So way to go, Lonely Island. But going back to that, keep going.

SPEAKER_03 42:41

Yeah. I mean, like I I have never said that word or had that thought out loud before until like this very moment. But like it is kind of true. Like we are letting the things that we have zero control over in this exact moment change the way we're showing up in our daily lives, instead of um like being more loving with ourselves, with our family, having more presence and being loving within our own communities and leading by example with the stuff that is within our control. So, like when, and I'm guilty of this too, when I'm sitting here and I've spent hours a day scrolling instead of like making a meal for my neighbor who just had a baby, like that's a fail of humanity. And that's like exactly the behavior that like we're preaching against or stay as activists standing against. But if you are at capacity and burnt out, you can't show up in that way. And part of what contributes to our burnout are these things that take up space in our brains that we have no ability to control.

SPEAKER_01 43:41

I mean, you're totally right. But there's a difference between like not having control over a sports game and not having not being able to control the wildfires in sp in France. And that's like, you know, like I I and you're right, I'm not in France. Like, I'm not, you know, I have my we have our own smoke coming in from Canada. And, you know, it's like. But I don't know how to like separate those things and make me not realize like I because it's it is affecting me. Like I I it it you know, like I was when the smoke was coming down, like that was fucked up. Like that was very hard on my lungs. Um I know probably because of probably because of all the weed.

SPEAKER_03 44:16

And uh I actually think like you're you've been training your lungs for this and you should have had better outcomes, as have I. But like, but yeah, it's scary and it's upsetting. And then now the sun is out. Today, it's a summer day and you can't be pissed about what happened last week, and you got to go to the pool with your kid and enjoy the moment that you have and be present. And when it comes time where there's an issue where you can vote on climate change or something you can do and go and attend, then you focus your efforts on that. Or if it's something that you can do for one hour a day and then that's your thing and you're doing it and you're honoring it, and then moving forward. All of that is helpful.

SPEAKER_01 44:59

Yeah. But how do you are you tracking it? Like I this is the it's like this is my problem. I it's like I I'm not gonna get unburnt out because I keep trying to find ways to control the the way I'm gonna control my ADHD or whatever the fuck I have that's keeping me from totally getting unburnt out.

SPEAKER_03 45:15

So this is a great, this is a great transition. So the next thing is finding what does bring you joy and centering it. So the only way to like finding the little things that make you happy. Like you love to knit. You love to be don't you like like mix scarves? Needle, needle point. Needle point's my is my thing.

unknown 45:36

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 45:38

Um, if you freeze frame the face I just made, I will cut you. Um so okay, but like there's things that you like to do. There's hobbies that bring you joy, there's people who bring you joy. And so finding something like in a state of deep burnout and anxiety, the littlest things that that can add 10% more, 1% more joy to your life, like taking a moment and like slowly putting on your lotion in the morning in a way that like feels good to you, dancing a little bit at the at the in the kitchen, putting music on while you're cooking dinner, listening to your favorite jams, like shaking your ass. Um, the smell of the shampoo when it first like out of the bottle when you open it, like breathing it in. Those little delights in life are like such a big thing, like wearing the outfit that makes you happy and like being excited about it. So, like finding those little slivers of joy are another great way to combat burnout because then you're identifying and recognizing the difference between bliss and burnout. And then you can start to track like choosing a little bit more bliss actively because you're aware of like how this feels in your body versus how burnout feels in your body.

SPEAKER_01 46:53

So, what are you doing to do that? What are your so your is shampoo smells and uh toast burning?

SPEAKER_03 47:01

I don't know. Yeah, I mean, for me, like I try to think about something like every day ahead that I'm excited about and just be like, oh, I'm excited that I have this thing to do tomorrow. I'm going to do this tomorrow. I'm gonna take this walk because it's something for me. I'm going to, you know what? I'm gonna go to Hobby Lobby and go get some art supplies and make a painting. I know.

SPEAKER_01 47:26

At least go to Michael's, go to Michaels, find a Michaels.

SPEAKER_03 47:28

I say that I know I all the things. It's just it's the devil I choose. But we can't be perfect. We can't be perfect all the time. And then not hating myself for shopping at the Hobby Lobby to get the art supply because it's the cheapest option. And then making something with my hands and calling and talking with a friend, and like all like really at the end of the day, not fucking shaming myself for what like the things that I didn't do and instead focusing on the things I did do. And like that, like a journal, journaling at the end of the day, like those little things where you're starting to like just bring yourself into presence and like a reality check. Like you're one human. You've got this life. We are you our human bodies are meant to delight in pleasure and connection and dance and joy. Like it's our and it's in our blood. And like we don't do any of that. And then we like those are the first things we cancel from our calendars, and that's bullshit.

SPEAKER_01 48:28

It's bullshit. And it's like, it's like, am I really gonna get a a prize at the end of my life for getting Sebastian to camp on time every day? Like, is it's like this, it's like you you you beat yourself up over the dumbest shit.

SPEAKER_03 48:40

And you know, and no one's gonna hand you a gold star. No, no one's gonna give you a permission slip to choose. Like, there's no like activist measuring stick for who's the most pissed about what's happening in the world. No, you're totally right. Right. You're totally right. Great. So like, good. You're aware of what's going on and you take breaks.

SPEAKER_01 49:02

And well, I'm not aware. You you just pointed it out to me. I mean, it's, you know, I I don't know. I think that that's the kind of stuff that people need to hear is, you know, just be happy when this because I think that's like it's like when you, when people are like, you know, just journal, it'll make you feel better. And get a gratitude journal and write down three things every day that made you feel good and you want to know what it works. That's the most fucking frustrating thing is that when I have do have a journal, a gratitude journal and I do journal every day, that all it's like it, it I am a better person when that happens. Why don't I just keep doing it? Why can't why do I stop myself? Because life happens. Yeah. Life happens.

SPEAKER_03 49:41

Like I just got back from a two-week trip with my kids. I did I didn't do my yoga morning practice one time. I journaled a little. I did some stuff for myself. I ate like ice cream every day and not just one scoop, but two. Who but and so like now I I I like it came to my attention, like, oh, I need a little system reset. I don't hate myself for how I spent my time, but I want to get back to the things that make me feel the best. So, like I really like doing 30-day practices. So it's like, okay, for the next 30 days, wake up in the morning and do, you know, a small yoga flow for 10 minutes and then write three pages or write five things you're grateful for, like whatever it is. And then just stick with it for 30 days and watch how things start to shift. Not dogma. I'm not like, I'm not into dogma. I'm not into like creating more rules that you have to feel guilty for yourself about breaking, but like, what's something that you can do for yourself to actually make a shift? And those like little practices and small, like that are accessible that fit into your life, um, are really, really helpful for a reason. And then, you know, when the 30 days is up, it gives you a chance to be like, do I want to keep doing that or not? And or do I want to do that most days? Sure. But it's like having a time capsule on it helps you to not ridicule yourself and like, why am I not doing a gratitude practice every day? It's like, oh, you know what? That really helped me. I love doing that. So I'm gonna do it for the next 30 days and see what happens. But it could be something else, something simple. Like every day this month in August, when I make dinner, I am going to start cooking with Pink Pony Club, and I'm gonna see what Spotify provides. I'm gonna give it to Spotify and I'm gonna dance my ass off. Or like whatever. Pick your thing to do. That's like, this is my joy. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 51:37

It's the you know, I it's the joy. Like yesterday I was at I was at yoga and um my yoga teacher introduced me to this woman who is an energy healer. Uh, she lives in France and she does this thing at the she follows this like modality that uh the woman's last name is Eden. I don't know. Anyway, it's some kind of like energy work, etc. And I was like kind of being like, So what are you gonna do do you are you doing any sessions while you're back in the States? It just seems like something maybe I should be doing. And I'm like, well, what do you see when you look at me? And she goes, and she kind of like you know, and she kind of like does like a little like I'm going inside of myself, like kind of yeah. And uh, and she goes, You you seem to have lost your joy. And I was like, that is that is that is a hundred, yes, you can see that I lost my joy. She's like, I can. Uh and uh it's a hard thing to hear that somebody can see that you've lost joy and I don't know how to get it back. Are you trying to wish some joy into me?

SPEAKER_03 52:49

No, I just like processing that. I just I think of how many people who are listening to this feel the same way. Like life has gotten so heavy. You are juggling so many balls, so many women are in this position. And then what happens from there? Like you lose your connection to the things that bring you the most delight, the whole purpose of our being. And so, like, I think that the process of reclaiming joy is the it's the whole damn point. You can go to breath work sessions every morning, you can go to whatever, like and healing and healing and healing and healing. But if you're not, if it's not tracking to bring you joy, to bring you play, to bring you pleasure, to like bring you bliss, what's the point? And so like remembering that. So if anyone listening to this can take anything from this, that's to just start to like tune in to your body, like what's a yes, what's a no, and starting to honor it. And when it's a no, don't fucking do it because it's your joy killer. Signing up for the PTO thing, signing up for the volunteer thing, signing up for the board, the getting into a like business partnership with someone, like all those things that bring you that heavy feeling of like dread. It's like you gotta stop doing those things and get into alignment and then start honoring the yeses, like what lights you up? Do you want to go for a walk? Yeah. You wanna go, like if you invited me over to like go do your B stuff, I'd drive to Evanston in like five seconds because that would bring me joy to hang out with you and to get some honey and yada yada. So it's like but tuning in, you have to know what's a yes and what's a no for your body. And so, like starting with those most basic questions, like, do I want pizza? Or insert whatever, and then noticing like what feels good and what doesn't, and like asking yourself and incorporating the things that are a full fuck yes into your life, and then starting to take away the things that you're doing because anyone else wants you to do them, anyone else expects you to do them, or society expects that's how you break the patriarchy is we are still doing all the things that we think we should do because of patriarchy. We don't have to. You have a choice and starting to like little by little unravel yourself from those expectations of production of capitalism of this and connection and going back to connection to our communities, connection to our bodies, connection to our pleasure, connection to ourselves. That's the path. It's here.

SPEAKER_01 55:17

Earlier on when you said that the matriarchy is already here. Um, like how do you see it or are you just feeling like it's just there? We just need to implement it. Like, do you how do you see the patriarch or the matriarchy coming coming out?

SPEAKER_03 55:33

Well, I mean, it's it's always here. It's not like some archangel is gonna come down from heaven and be like, the matriarchy is for you. Isn't that beautiful? Yeah. That's very churchy. That's very churchy. So that's not how that works. What how you bring the matriarchy into existence is by making choices that are built in circularity and reciprocity. So, like not holding all of the things, all the volunteer opportunities, as if you're the only one who can do it. You're not, not asking for help from other people, not showing up when other people need it. So you gotta ask for help when you need it, let other people show up for you, provide help when other people need it, have the spaciousness to why you recognize when they need help and when they're not asking for it and show up and do it. And start to cultivate things that bring more joy and more connection into the world. And so it starts with those tiny, tiny choices of what are you willing to accept in your life and what aren't you? And if you're not willing to accept patriarchal norms, what are the ones that we can say goodbye to? I don't know. How about travel sports? How about some, you know, asshole dad who's living vicariously through his son who decided that practice needs to be at six o'clock? How about not showing up for that anymore? How about not doing practice during dinner? Right. Just don't go, it's fine. It doesn't fucking matter. Like all of these things, like what's most important to the women? Like we all get into this like collective consciousness of what is acceptable and what like and like we're letting other people decide for us and then we're going along with it. Stop. Let's decide something different and let's choose it. Because women are the ones who are making most of the financial decisions. They're making most of the family decisions, they're the ones who are buying for their for the generation above, the general generation below. So we get to choose what we're doing and how we're spending our time and choose differently. We just have to recognize that it's going to be okay. It might be a little bumpy at first. It might suck for a second, until then everyone gets in line with a new way of being. And that is how you foster change. Yes, we need to be at the table politically, decision maker-wise, and all of that. But not, we cannot. Women won't run for office if they're at capacity because they're at all the travel sports. So let's make it easy for them women to run for office because we're gonna cut out travel sports that happen at dinner time.

SPEAKER_01 57:51

Why does travel sports even happen? None, very few of these kids are gonna go on to the NFL or whatever.

SPEAKER_03 57:55

It happens because someone created urgency, and then the next person was like, I don't want my kid to feel left out, and I don't want them to get someone else to get ahead. That's a spirit of competition. That's patriarchy. That's not circularity. No. So like we are choosing patriarchy every day, and we don't have to.

SPEAKER_01 58:14

Gross. Gross.

SPEAKER_03 58:17

We're a victim of our own our own fear of going against the train. And but honestly, like we have the ability to choose differently. We have the ability to choose differently right now. And but it starts with the little things, how you're living your life, because you are modeling the life for Sebastian. So you want him to not have patriarchy in his life? Stop living by patriarchal noise norms and being on the go all the time. That wasn't directed at you, but I just mean like the collective.

SPEAKER_01 58:44

Yeah. I mean, there's never going to be a time when Sebastian's done a travel sport anything. Um for both talent reasons and my desires. Um I uh well, yeah, this is, I mean, I think I just need to hear you say this over and over again 80 million times until it finally like bleeds into my head.

SPEAKER_03 59:04

Like what's but it like listen, like I've been doing this work for like six years. And it takes a long time and a lot of crashes and burns. I don't get it right every day. And sometimes I choose wrong. But like it is, but remembering that we have the ability to choose how, like, how we think, how we spend our time, that's the gift. And it needs to start with what is true for you because no one else gets to decide that archangels and not coming down to be like, Mary, you're gonna get this gold star, whatever. Mary, you worried the most of any person in the world. Congratulations.

SPEAKER_01 59:39

I get a gold star for anxiety. Oh my God, you laughed.

unknown 59:44

You laughed.

SPEAKER_01 59:45

You were making fun of my lack of joy and it made me laugh. It made me laugh. Um, all right, Ashley, we're at an hour. Uh so um, but maybe we can maybe we can like try to gin up some uh some uh engagement and see if we can get people. Uh if you uh want to sound off in the comments on Instagram, maybe people will talk there. Um yeah. I want to go.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:10

I want to know on the Instagram, like, okay, one, like how high is your joy meter right now? Where are you? Like, what's winning, joy or burnout? I also want to know like, is the matriarchy here?

SPEAKER_01 1:00:22

And how can you make it come faster? Sounds like my prom night. Me too. Not really. I I didn't. I didn't. I did most things I've ever done my virginity on prom night. No, you did not. I did. In a motel? No. Okay. I mean, that you didn't really, just kidding. Um, all right. Well, Ashley, thank you so much. We'll talk more about your virginity losing next week. And uh thanks everybody who tuned in, and we will not talk about Ashley's virginity next week. But do sound off in the comments on Instagram about uh about the the joy in the matriarchy. Bye! Bye. Thanks for listening to All of the Mill Lady Business with me, Mary Easty. Uh, we'd love for you to like review, subscribe, follow us to All of the Millady Business on the program. And if you're a female identifying person and you want to dance, you can follow. I mean, everybody can follow us, but if you want to be a part of the magic app, watch dance party.com and listen to my radio show. I'm a radio show. On the radio, radio show, every Monday, every Monday. Alright, guys, peace out.